how do I reply to this?

DHVT

When I tell my wife she isn't able to do certain complicated things (like cooking, sorting her pills, keeping track of appointments) -- she's almost unable to use a microwave or simple phone -- she often challenges me by saying "How do you know I can't?" 

I don't want to dare her to try, because the attempts could be disastrous. So what's a good response for that one?

mommyandme (m&m)

My first thought is the word can’t (not able) might be better off removed. 

“These things are harder sometimes... you’ve worked so long, why don’t you relax and I’ll take care of it”

Something like that, maybe. When discussing the driving issue with my mother I would say something like, “you’re so lucky to just sit back and look and enjoy the ride”... “ you get to be taken care of and don’t have to worry about all this, like a princess.”

Others here are more wealthy with wisdom than I. Hope your day is a pleasant one.

Suzzin

Can you let her try, and help in the background as needed? There will come a time, unfortunately, when she can't do it and won't even try, so for now maybe you can cook together, or let her "manage" her appointments (keep your own calendar). As long as she still wants to be actively involved without hurting herself, there could be some benefit to giving her a bit of support and independence.

LJS45

Could you perhaps divert her attention to a task she would be successful with? Like maybe setting the table. I'm sure she would love to feel useful. A simple, "why don't you help me with this....?" Sort her pills without her present if possible. I agree to not tell her she "can't" do something. Will only cause frustration.

M1

This comes up at our house too. However, more and more now I find that if I back off, she won’t even try (lack of executive function). The two that I have to be stiff about are meds and driving, too risky. No easy way through it though

Cynbar

It's usually not a good idea to try and reason with a PWD, it only makes them defensive and argumentative and angry and sad. Your wife can't look at things rationally, her brain isn't working right. Unfortunately there is no one-size-fits-all resptsonse, you'll have to approach each request separately. Defer and deflect, don't be afraid to use fiblets to calm her down. Let her try and keep track of appointments while you keep the real list, if there is a discrepancy tell her someone called to change it. If she wants to cook dinner, say you have it planned for tonight but she can cook this weekend (then hope she forgets.) These are just examples but I think you see where I'm going. I know things in my household were a lot calmer overall when I finally realized that I can't reason with DH anymore, he thinks he is fine and just can't process it.

Iris L.

Don't say "can't."

Focus on what she can do, not on what she can't do.  

Iris 

Rescue mom

I learned to never tell my DH with Alzheimer’s “you can’t..” or “you don’t know how to..” etc. It upset him, and/or made him more likely to try, which would make a mess . Reason and logic don’t work, and he can’t remember he has Alzheimer’s. Repeating it means nothing, they simply can’t comprehend.  It upset him, making everything harder.

Instead, say something like “I want to learn how to do that,” or “I need the exercise” (if it was a physical type chore). I’d also say, I need to practice with that. Or maybe “I want to give you a chance to relax/or take a bath” or do something she enjoys. 

You can also say “I’ve got this in hand, you do it next time” which they usually don’t remember. Or divert her to do something she CAN do, (whether it needs doing or not), or something she thinks she can do, but you have to do over again, as long as it doesn’t cause too much trouble).

If she wants to use an object/gadget, you disable it temporarily, and tell her it’s broken.  You get the idea. You make up whatever works, without saying “you can’t”.

Practice a few phrases that work so you don’t have to think about it too long. You may have to use fiblets, and that’s OK. It’s for a greater good. But her brain is broken, she can’t understand “you can’t because Alzheimer’s.”

Suzzin

My husband and I call it "conversational jazz"--you've got to be ready to improvise and go with the flow. And sometimes things get goofy but that's what makes "jazz" great.

jfkoc

Pill suggestion...have two 7 day dispensers. Fill both of them together at the kitchen table. When through secretly check hers.

If you take no medicine then put something like Tic Tacs in a med bottle.

There is no direct route for problem solving....none!

Teachertee

I try to collaborate with my father (who is still sharp with doing all of the driving when my mother is involved).  We set it up so that he drives or I pick her up for any outings where it's just my mother and me.   Or we allow her to drive if someone is with her to navigate.

Also, try the forced choice technique, where you give the LO two guided choices, both of which would be acceptable possibilities.  Then they feel like they have some kind of choice in the matter.  "Would you like to set the table or tear the lettuce for the salad?" or "Would you like to wipe the counters or sweep the floor?" etc.  

I also like the suggestions of telling them you've got it this time and they can take over next time, when most likely they'll forget.

Good luck!

Tara

StephCK

Do your best to redirect her. Depending on her recall time, are you able to move to a new topic or take a walk to another area of the home or outside? Try a touch of the hand and a new topic; get some music going that she likes. You wont be able to reason, unfortunately and being right isn't the goal. Redirection can relieve the anxiety of that moment and make the thought less prominent in the mind and can often be forgotten. I would avoid telling her what she can't do as reasoning won't be your friend. Participate as much as you can and redirect whenever possible. I hope this helps.

harshedbuzz

Another option regarding medication is to have both your medications put into daily packets by your pharmacy- then you can offer it up as the new way meds are packaged. Typically, there is no extra cost for this.

JojoBean

My husband was diagnosed 8 months ago with FTD but had hallucinations from the medication the Dr provided due to other meds he takes. Seems the Dr (memory center) doesn’t want to see him unless we request a visit.  Is that normal?  I understand meds might not be an option but isn’t some kind of follow-up protocol?