Frustrated, angry and very sad

Itswindee69

This is more of a rant and just get off my chest but if anyone would like to respond, I’m HAPPY to take in advice and info. 

My father in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s over a year ago. My mother-in-law tried to hide it from us for as long as she could until she landed in the the emergency room/hospital for three days due to food poisoning in late Feb 2020 just before Covid hit. We noticed how “off” my father in-law was which was very out of character for him. He stayed with us during tat time and “all hell broke loose”. He displayed anger, forgetfulness that we never saw before and ranting about a completely untrue delusional story about my mother-in-law being unfaithful years ago and running a brothel out of the house over 50 yrs ago when he worked out of the country. He used words that I didn’t even know he knew the meaning of. Needless to say my husband and I were dumbfounded and completely taken off guard. We tried to calm him down and tried to distract him. It proved to be challenging and very difficult.

After my mother-in-law was released from the hospital we got both of them settled in their home which was about 20 mins away from us. We talked to my mother-in-law and told her what happened. Her face turned pale and she told us that he’s confronted her with that delusional story and just shrugged it off. She wasn’t ready to deal with what was going on and was in complete and total denial. 

Over the next few months we saw his rapid decline and was unable to hide what was going on. The house they lived in for over 45 yrs was falling apart and much too much house for them (over 3600 sq ft) so we had a family meeting and all agreed it was time to sell it. I found a smaller 4 yr. old house closer to us in our city that they could afford (we helped a lot financially to make it happen). Their house sold quickly and they moved into their new home (there was a lot of turmoil during this time with my father in-law). 

I work in emergency services and crisis management and I’m finding it very difficult to see and hear how my mother-in-law is handling this. I’ve told her dozens of times to call their doctor and tell him what’s going on but she isn’t being truthful or isn’t being as straightforward with him as she should (in my personal and professional opinion). I am at a lose and find myself getting very impatient and angry with her. My husband tries to explain to her what she should do as well but it falls on deaf ears. I just don’t know what to do anymore.....

Thank you for letting me rant. 

dayn2nite2

Please consider that it isn't unusual for BOTH spouses to have some level of cognitive decline, and hers just might be so subtle you can't see it yet.

Also consider she is probably very depressed and stressed that this is happening to her husband and this can also cause an inability to take action even when a situation has become serious.  

Is there some reason why your husband can't take his father to the doctor himself.  That would also be a way to ensure that the doctor knows the truth of what is going on and any followup can be handled from there by your husband as well, since your MIL is not capable of handling this right now.

Please also have him take her to her doctor to have testing for her cognition and/or depression, also with a full physical to rule out any physical causes for her.

Itswindee69

Thank you for your reply Dayn2nite2. My MIL is actually in perfect health considering her age of 86. She still teaches piano five days a week and still drives everywhere. She will not allow my husband to take my FIL to the dr and she says she’s taken care of it. I hate to say this but it’s not my parents and there’s just so much I can say to her. When there’s an issue or problem, I’m the one who gets the phone call. I’ve given her many horrible scenarios that I foresaw happening and she would just say, “oh no that won’t happen. He’s knows not to do that or he’s afraid to leave the house”. Two months later I get a frantic call from her that she can’t find him and he’s been missing for an hour. He went for a walk and didn’t tell her and he wasn’t answering his phone. He of course got lost and knocked on a neighbor’s door asking for help. His phone was ringing and he wasn’t picking it up. Thank God the neighbor heard it and answered it and we picked him up. Things like that just infuriate me....

Cynbar

I agree that your MIL is probably depressed and scared about what's happening, with possibly a dose of some cognitive decline thrown in. But it's important this doesn't turn into a power struggle, however well intentioned, because that will just alienate her further. What does your husband and his siblings, if any, think about all this? Is he as alarmed as you are? He (or they) need to be taking the lead here. One possibility is for him to write to the doctor (either an email or actual letter) about his concerns and observations before the next appointment. The doctor can't talk to him without your FIL's permission, but he can certainly take in information. This should lead to more probing questions, closer examination, referrals, etc. The doctor should keep the letter confidential, especially if asked to. But this is a challenging situation, you may have to wait until your MIL is more worn down. And it's especially difficult to be an in law and have differing views on how things should be handled.