4 Days Postpartum and Struggling with Mom’s Mood Swings

AWM1991

Sorry if this is sort of incoherent. Like I mentioned in the title I’m 4 days postpartum so I’m functioning on very little sleep. 

I won’t go into a ton of details about the background of my mom’s dementia but it’s not something that’s new for us. She had a couple strokes from an AVM 33 years ago (before I was born) but her cognitive function really started to decline around 15 or 20 years ago. 

I don’t know if this is a rant or if I want advice but here’s something that happened to me which made me very sad. 

I understand she doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to be intentionally hurtful towards me but some of the things she’s been saying have been incredibly mean. I also know it’s because this is a time of transition and she really struggles with change and tends to lash out when things change. What’s even harder is she oscillates between being a jerk, being a jerk but thinking she’s being nice/helpful, and being the most loving grandmother to my daughter and sometimes this happens within minutes. 

For example this is what happened to me today in the span of 15 or 20 minutes and it was very emotionally difficult for me to handle. As an important aside I love my pets and but our dog can be rowdy and barks a lot but he’s redirectable so it’s fine. Anyway we boarded our dog for a week so we wouldn’t have to worry about him when we were bringing our daughter home. My husband went to go pick the dog up and as soon as he’s out the door my mom covers her mouth and starts laughing like a middle schooler trying to hide some prank from a teacher. Then she said “You should get rid of all your pets” and then goes on to tell a story about how my aunt and uncle got rid of their pets when my cousins were born (which isn’t a true story). At this point I start sobbing because I feel like I haven’t heard anything positive from her about how I’m doing as first time mother. My dad (her primary caregiver) tries to comfort me while trying to convince my mom they should leave for the evening. Then my mom goes into the kitchen and says “I can take the pets.” Then she starts telling a story about her parents divorce and her dad getting rid of the neighbors dogs. Then she goes to the bathroom so I talk to my dad for a while and he tells me I’m doing a good job and he reminds me that although it seems targeted it’s not because my mom just doesn’t have the ability to do that. When my mom comes back from the bathroom she’s totally forgotten anything has happened and has no idea why I’m crying. My dad tells her that I want her to tell me that I’m doing a good job as a first time parent and so she starts praising me and saying how precious my daughter is. So I start crying even more and she starts hugging me and rubbing my back and wiping tears off my face. 

Even after I type all this I’m not sure what I’m looking for because these aren’t new behaviors. I guess I just am really struggling with the meanness but mostly the meanness rapidly cycling with love while forgetting she was ever mean. I’ll take anything really. Advice. Support. Wisdom. 

(PS - this is neither here nor there but it took me so long to write this I’m now 5 days postpartum lol)

M1

First, welcome to the forum and second, congratulations on the birth of your wonderful daughter! Such a thrill-and so much work, as I well remember. And understandable that it's a time when you really, really wish your mom could be there for you. But I think your dad is right on this to just get her out of your hair for now. She is not there and you are not dealing with a rational person. Assuming normal motivations and expecting normal responses is what's tripping you up I think.  As folks frequently say here, her brain is broken, and you can't expect to reason with her. But what she is doing is not malicious either, it's just damaged. Ignore it. But there's terrible loss in that, too.

You didn't ask, but I'd send her home so you and your husband have one less thing to deal with. For all that a new baby is thrilling and precious, it's also very hard work and not all sweetness and light like we fantasize about.  I'm sure that reality is hitting home too. Hope you get some sleep! 

harshedbuzz

AWM-

Congratulations on your darling daughter.

I am sorry for your struggles right now. I think a big part of what you are feeling is physiological- the post-partum hormone dump is real. I was warned that this happened, but I was unprepared for the magnitude of the feelings that it stirred up. Your body is recovering from birth, you are likely sleep deprived and are finding your feet as a first time parent with all the responsibility and anxiety that brings. 

That said- the arrival of your daughter is kind of rubbing your nose in all of the ways in which you and your little girl will not enjoy they typical mother-daughter/granddaughter-grandmother experience. And that is unfair, tragic and it hurts. Be kind to yourself. 

Perhaps it would be best to give yourself a couple of weeks to settle into a routine before entertaining your mom. It would also be worth discussing what you are feeling at your 6 week check up if you aren't able to take this in stride. You might benefit from some therapy around the issues you are dealing with. 

HB

King Boo

Ahh.  This hit close to home. 

You need to be the focus of your day to day right now, along with your newborn.  It's funny how no one mentions that a new baby, while a happy event, is also a little bit of a shocker.  Everything changes - and you cannot anticipate that!   It can take a while to learn to function with the new little wee one - to bond - to feel secure.   It's also completely normal for newborns to sleep in small segments, and to eat frequently on demand for the first 6-8 weeks.  Which of course, wrecks havoc with our adult sleep.   This really needs to be your focus right now.

I might suggest limiting your contact with Mom and Dad right now.  Conservation of resources, so to speak.  You have no 'extra reserve' to deal with the demands and bizareness of dementia;  your resilience is understandably needed for yourself and your baby.

With limited phone contanct, you can say a brief hello and then hand the phone to your spouse to deal with it if things start to get wierd.

Even though my contact was limited to the phone, I had to limit the nature of my contact with my mother.  Anxious, bizarre reactions - little did I know it was a signal of what was coming.

I just knew I couldn't deal with her, and I simultaneously missed her old self terribly, and was furiously and irrationally angry at her.  This wasn't how things were supposed to be.....

Any hoo - you have enough on your plate right now, your Mom and Dad can be placed on 'the back burner' so to speak for a few months which you get your relationship established with your new wee one.  It takes time.

dayn2nite2

Congratulations on the birth of your child.  You need to take care of you right now.  Mom and dad need to leave.

Unfortunately, she is incapable of being the grandmother you hoped due to her brain disease.  Limit your contact for a while until you feel better.  

mommyandme (m&m)

My thoughts are you should devote all of your mental, physical and emotional time to yourself, your daughter, your husband and the dog... the added stress of your mother hurting your feelings right now is completely counterproductive to your immediate needs. If you are breastfeeding the anguish you feel will affect that also.  Complete relaxation is needed for success. 

Even though my youngest is 27 now, I remember being postpartum x 3 all too well.  Life does not pick up right where you left it before you gave birth. Bring the babé to her home when you feel a little less fogged.  Then you can leave whenever you feel the wave of stress rising. 

Give you, your husband and daughter the time YOU need to feel strong again.  Your dad will understand.

Congratulations!!!

Iris L.

Do not leave her alone with the baby--not even for a minute.  

Iris L.

abc123

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby girl! I agree with everyone else. Limit the time spent with your Mom. This is such a special time for you and your husband. Sending you peace and happy wishes. 

You have gotten some excellent feedback from some awesome members.