Just need to vent(5)

Teresag56

Hi all...just wondering if anybody else has ever felt like you can't do this caregiver thing one more day. My mom is 92 I am 65. .I brought her home from assisted living in Jan. She had been there for 3 yrs one whole year of no visits because of covid. I felt guilty so I took money out if her account and bought a house so I could bring her home. She is not the mon I knew even a year ago she has declined so much. She has no physical health problems....just the Alzheimer's. Somedays she is frail and just wants to sit and do nothing. She has no short term memory...but I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I have no family to help. My sister is 4 states away and sends an occasional text.i have a caregiver 4 hrs a day x2 days...I made a mistake bringing mom home and now I don't know what to do. Would I be a bad terrible daughter if I sold the house and put mom back in the facility  ...the way she has declined in the last year...I know it will be worse in another year....I feel terrible

LaurenB

Good afternoon Teresag.  No, you are not a bad daughter if you sell the house and put your mom back into long term care.  You did what you thought was right at the time and given new information (your mom's current ability level) have made a new judgement.  Covid is a mess for all of us.

Emily 123

No, it would be fine to have her go back.  You did what you thought would be right given the circumstances, and with a lockdown, how would you know how much she had progressed?Covid has made everything crazy. 

If you liked her old facility could you get her back there? That might be less orientation for her and the staff already know her.

Teresag56

Thank you Lauren ....it is just so darn hard....Alzheimer's and dementia is awful. I don't know why I thought I could do this...I just don't think I am ct out to be a caregiver and that is so strange ihave worked in Healthcare for 20yrs and loved it....but this situation is really getting me down. The only time I see my friends is at church on Sunday...my grandkids is a few hrs a week....just thank you for listening and your kind words

Teresag56

Yes she could go back to where she was. She seemed happy there it was a real nice place. I will have to sell the house and put the money back in her account otherwise she would only have funds for about a year.

May flowers

You are not a bad daughter at all. Being a 24/7 caregiver is so hard. I have only been taking care of my FIL for 9 months but we are at a point that it is too much for me. I took care of my mom (ALS) and my MIL (cancer with brain mets). Both were hard and had some level of cognitive impairment but it was nothing compared to dementia. I found their physical care much easier than caring for his dementia - the paranoia, restlessness, depression, anxiety. 

I haven’t known him like you knew your mother, but he is so different than the person Ive known for the past 15 or so so.

We are getting ready to place him in MC. I think being around other people, and the activities will be good for him. Plus, the caregivers there are on a schedule - they get to recharge in their time off. When they go home, I don’t know they would sit and think about their patients. I don’t know about you but even when I’m not caring for him, I’m thinking about his care. 

I have been telling myself it is a journey  - we do what we believe is right at a point in time but things change and the our plans have to change. There is no right or wrong in that, just adapting to their needs and our abilities. 

Teresag56

Thanks Mayflower...this is a journey I wish on no one..and every minute seems to be different....I have only been doing it 4 months and not all is bad...but I just know I can't keep up a house and her and me...I thought I could but somedays I don't like me....

terei

Apparently there are people who can be a sole caregiver.  I am not one of them.  My mom went from being in AL to MC after she could not live alone any longer.    I did my best to see that she had lots of visits from me + others, but I knew that I could not live with + care for her.

I did not feel like a bad daughter.   I always felt I did my best to make sure she was cared for properly.  

Also, I would never want my own daughter to live with + care for me under the same circumstances.   

abc123

I am not sure if I could be a full time caregiver for my Mom but I definitely know that I don’t want to be her full time caregiver. Just helping out when my Dad ask me to is hard for me physically and emotionally. I am more concerned for my Dad at this point because he is the full time caregiver. I am the only backup help he has. 

I do not think you are a bad daughter. You tried doing something that plenty of people would never even try to do. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

Teresag56

Thank you abc 123 for the kind words.

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cbashar

It's won't be bad decision and you won't be bad daughter if you sell the house and back to the old home. And based on your text you want caregiving of your mom and Love her so much. 

So don't be hesitate if you really honest of your work, try to be cool. 

I saw a video in Home Care YT Channel ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9S2CKoVgBH2a1ggxHu0rYw ) 

I just attached it for your help. I think you are in right track. 

Thank you 

The4thOne

Hi Theresa.  I think many of us can relate, as we assume the Care Giver title for exactly what you are sharing, for fear of being thought of as a bad daughter.  Guilt moves us to do what we think love should do.  Love is doing what is best for your mother, as she would do what is best for you, out of love.  As much as you can, reconcile that you did your best, that you were willing to do more, it just was not possible and it was not in your mothers best interest nor safety.  And then go about the business of selling the house, making arrangements for her to be where she is safe and well cared for, and do it in the spirit of love - not guilt.

Teresag56

The 4thone...thanks for your kind sweet words....they really helped. I also read your profile and I am going to try to remember that my mom is not the mom that raised me...thanks again

Stori

I think you’re making the right decision for both of your quality of life. I’m holding space for you.