Family members who refuse to be involved

Stori

I’m disabled and caring for my dad with some help from my mom who is also disabled. We’re struggling hard to keep up with everything.

My sibling has totally refused to be involved even though they have more resources than we do.

Is this a common thing for a family member to just refuse to help?  

Do they ever come around?  Am I out of line being upset?

Kath50

Sorry for what you are going through. Sadly, there are a lot of us holding the bag  so to speak. I don’t have a large family but what is left,  carry every excuse you can think of as to why they can’t help or not even offer.  My sibling is supposed to help out and take my mom, but that’s still two months away and after mom living w me since end of July. It took communicating on a deeper level with my sister for her to finally decide to eventually help me.

You are not out of line being upset. Most of us are upset that family refuses to step up. It’s not fair and it’s simply not right, but sadly that’s just the way it is. True characters emerge in time of turmoil. Maybe talk to your sibling some more? Are you utilizing any resources though Medicare or Medicaid? 

abc123

I don’t think you are out of line for being upset, I sure was upset with my sister! But you will need to let it go and move forward because it’s the best thing for you. Unfortunately this is very common. I am dealing with the same issue with my siblings. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

GothicGremlin

Echoing what others have said -- you're not out of line for being upset, and sadly, relatives who don't help is a common thing. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. 

I'm in the same boat as you. My brother checked out long ago, so I'm the one caring for my sister.  My brother is a difficult person, so, in a way, it's less stress for me that I don't have to deal with his "help".  His difficult personality has helped me to detach from my anger, and move on. 

star26

I have the same issue with my sibling and I think it’s unforgivable. The only “positive" is that we often don’t get along or see eye-to-eye so at least we’re not having disagreements or power struggles.  The only thing that can make this situation worse is if the non-participating sibling is named as a successor POA or the personal representative in the will. Imagine living with your parents and sacrificing your life to caring for them, and having your sibling controlling the purse strings or making medical decisions. 

LadyTexan

DH's family is small. His parents and one sibling are diseased. He has an adult son that has been absentee for approximately 2 years now. The son lives 90 minutes away. He does not call. He does not visit.

I spent a lot of energy trying to engage the son to be involved in his dad's life. Even when we lived in the same town, he did not participate. He claimed he was too busy. Meanwhile, I was sinking by carrying all the load. I spent more energy being angry and resentful. Then I got to acceptance (too bad I don't always stay in acceptance).

In my opinion, it is not fair and not right that the Absentee Adult Son (AAS) does not engage. Most days I just let go of the anger and the resentment because I cannot change the AAS's behavior. AAS is part of the snowflake phenomenon. I will be candid and say AAS is selfish and self centered.

As frustrating as it is I had to let go of my expectations of AAS and accept what is. A wise man told me once "Let go or be dragged".

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Rescue mom

It’s very common, IME. Some may eventually “come around” but this board has seen so many in your situation. You’re not out of line, I just don’t know if anything can be done. Lady Texan summed it up, you can’t really”make” them help, you have to accept that they don’t. I wonder if they ever feel badly later about ignoring a family member like that.

KawKaw

No, not out of line at all to be unhappy with the situation and the response by others in the family.  Caregiving can be very lonely.  

My younger sister and I ended up sharing responsibility for my mother's care.  We have an older sister 2000 miles away who did not feel capable of helping.

My younger sister tried to force our elder sister to participate.  Asked her to do some research online or by phone for resources.  Tried to give her other such tasks that could be accomplished from a distance.

However, our older sister is deathly shy and freezes trying to phone strangers or email them.  She tried, but is too terrified of flying to be able to visit and help in that way.

I accepted this in time and moved on.  I could not use the energy to be angry or resentful.  It would have been helpful if she could have accomplished such tasks, but I understood her inability to do so.

I did experience something like a bit of envy though, at times.  Though such shyness has been a burden of my sister for her entire life.

My younger sister cut our older sister our of her life for the most part.  She is bitter that our sister received her third of the sale of our mother's house.

I remain in contact with our elder sister who did her best to emotionally support me during caregiving.  She was a constant phone companion and checked on my often.

Though she could not assist with administrative or direct caregiving, my elder sister sent our mother cards, care packages, phoned her and sent her videos of my mother's great grand son being an adorable toddler.

My mother treasured these personal touches and it fed my heart to see her enjoy her treats, to hear her laugh with the video recordings of her great grandson giggling in delight.

If I had a magic wand, caregiving would be accomplished by a village of people.  Resources would be available to help make that a reality regardless of personal finances.

Of course, if my wand really worked, I would wipe out dementia and a lot of other suffering.

Quilting brings calm

Please don’t assume that I am implying that my comment below relates  to your situation.  I know nothing about your personal situation.  

There are many reasons that family members don’t help.  Lack of money, location, personal  issues in their own lives ( unstable situations, drugs, alcohol, divorce, etc).   In my situation, our childhoods were dysfunctional.  My younger siblings  took until their 50s to have stable adult lives as a result.  I managed  in my mid 20s due to therapy and a child to raise that I consciously wanted to raise differently.   I can’t fault my siblings ( or my step siblings that were abandoned by their father( my step-father) for not jumping back into the fray.  I’d jump ship if  I wasn’t the only one manning the deck.  I’m not going to put this mess on my children who would be next in line: 

The4thOne

Stori, as you can see by the number of responses to the string, this is a common frustration. I have 4 brothers, and I am the only daughter and the youngest (54).  Family always has it's own dynamic, but never thought there would be any hesitation of us coming together to take care of 'our' mother.  And for the most part, we have managed, individual capacities aside, (some, due to health and other situations, just can't).  But one brother - whewww!!  He lives closer; I had to call him like a bill collector in order for him to contribute any money, (he finally agreed to $78/mo that covers her Depends, arrgghh - but I digress.)  I got so I could not stand him.  He went from being one of my favorites , to 'who is this selfish bat rastard?  He grew up in the same house, same mother and father, same everything, and yet on this - ghost!  Oh, I called him everything but a child of God!  But ultimately, I accepted, 'don't, won't, can't'; work with what you have, and who is willing, even if its resources from outside.  Remove the energy wasted on being mad at them for not doing. They let you go - return the favor - let them go. They may be doing you a favor by staying away.

Goodtogo

Welcome Stori, 

I was the primary caregiver for my LO.  I worked full time in a very demand position, active with my own children and activities, plus being a full time caregiver and increasing demands on all levels.  My sibling appeared to have a lot more resources, both financial and time.  When my grandmother needed care, my LO was not physically able to do it and my sibling was nowhere to be found.  The anger and disappointment and everything else was real, along with the hurt I felt.  I realized early on that I had a choice to make.  Carry the anger and hurt with me and limit what I was doing or accept the siblings decision and do the best I could.  I choose acceptance and to be honest I did have any leftover energy for anger and hurt.  

As years went by, I maintain limited contact at times going a year or two with only sending a holiday card.   Things progressed and I could do what needed to be done without anyone second guessing me or challenging me on my decision.  Yes it was hard, years of caregiving took a toll on me.  Towards the end with my LO, I did reach out.  I didn’t expect help, but thought it was important for them to do what was right for them.  Things changed on a dime for me as I now needed to communicate on a regular bases and try to “include” them in the process. I found that to be way harder than dealing with everything on my own.

I’ve continued contact with my sibling and now understand more of the limitations that have.  

It’s a difficult journey. IMHO adding different  personalities, opinions, possible dysfunction, and anything else would have broken me very early.  The feelings are real, holding to them in would have been worse, and having the sibling helping IME would have made everything so much harder.  

Stori

Thank you to each and every one of you who replied. It helped me a lot. I’m grateful!

French

The same than lady Texan, my partner’s adult sons barely come to visit their father and when I asked for help, they couldn’t. One even explains me he is too tired because he doesn’t sleeps well. He is 24 years old and complains ! And me, nobody asked if I sleep well ? I don’t !

The sister doesn’t want to help and explains she can’t. She needs time for her daughter. I still have 2 children at home. but the worse is that she criticized me and have very interesting advices. The last one was that I should try not to control everything and also to have a « deep psychotherapy. You who know how it is to live with somebody who suffer of Alzheimer, you know that anticipation is a key not to be overwhelmed. She has now idea of what happens to her brother but seems to know better than me what to do.this is upsetting.

My conclusion is than I should not spend time and energy to try to involve them. I will be deceived. I also stopped to inform them. If they want news they will call. 

I know that they will criticize later. And then I will ask where they were.