how, or if, to answer his questions

Tucsonbirder

Hello, this is my first real post, although I've been reading here for a long time, and did respond to another's post.  I placed my 84 yr old DH in assisted living/memory care on April 1.  He is has moderate stage Alzheimer's. He was diagnosed about 6 yrs ago, with symptoms for about 3 yrs before that.  I had in home aides, nearly full time, which was manageable to a point,  but to be brutally honest, I just couldn't take it anymore. He has some good functioning, but no short term memory, increasing confusion about where he is, occassionally who I am, and can't recall details of his professional life.  Constant repetition, of course.  He also has some physical limitations now that made going out anywhere with him very difficult.  Our marriage had many ups and downs, and it's been a long time since it was romantic or intimate.   I am 70 yr old, in good health, and just couldn't accept that  my life was becoming so restricted and empty.  He often said I should place him when it got too much.  It got too much.  I found a fabulous care home, and he basically likes it, but thinks it is temporary, that he will be coming home.  Almost daily, he asks when he'll be home. I know about deflecting and redirecting, but it is so hard to do constantly.  Is it ever advisable to explain that this is his home now, where these wonderful people will take good care of him?   Before the move, we did discuss this, but he doesn't remember that.  He gets so upset when he thinks he won't be coming home, but it also feels so dishonest to keep avoiding the question.  I am torn apart by not knowing how to handle this.   I know many of you  have better caregiving skills than I do.  I don't think I will ever have them.  I am just searching for some kind way to respond to him.  Thanks so much.

Ed1937

Tucsonbirder wrote:

He gets so upset when he thinks he won't be coming home, but it also feels so dishonest to keep avoiding the question.  

I am certainly no expert on this. But I think what you wrote should answer your question. No need to upset him. Even if you told him this is his permanent home, he likely will not remember that. Then you will have the question being asked again. Being honest will only upset him every time you answer truthfully. Telling a small fib will be compassionate, and the way to go. Make it as easy as possible. That's only my opinion.

 

Tucsonbirder

Thank you, Ed1937, for your response.   I guess I know you're right, but it's so hard to do.  What a good fib?  It's only for a little while?  What can I say that satisfies, even for a moment, his question?   I am just at wits end.

terei

Forget about being ‘dishonest’.  Your goal should be to keep him calm + content, whatever it is you have to say.   My advice to to blame it on ‘the doctor’.

“I am working with your doctor...it might be sometime in July(or whatever month) if he agrees you are making progress.    I am on top of it + i will let you know right away when the Dr says it is ok.   Oh, I heard there is ice cream today...lets go get some’

I would not try to explain that he is ‘home’.  Clearly he wants to leave. You will only upset him in the moment + he will not remember what you said later.  He will continue to ask until he doesnt.  You cant control it.

Tucsonbirder

Oh, that is so helpful, terei!.     I can try that.  I imagine he will want to talk to the doctor, though, and make his case for being "discharged".  I do know that telling him the truth will upset him greatly, and he won't remember the discussion, and it will begin anew.  He is just so desperate for a "reason" why he is there.   Dozens of phone calls/voice mails:  just tell me why I'm here so I understand, so it makes sense to me.   I don't need to be here.  If you love me, you'd get me out of here".  You all know how that goes.  Part of him really does want to know the reasons, and part of him is able to process it, but not all of him, and I do know that it would just upset him for no benefit.   Thank you for your wise counsel.  I hope I can follow it.

Lorita

Hi Tucson,

 We had this problem with my sister who had alzheimers.  She wasn't able to care for herself at home, physically or emotionally and there was someone who was trying to take advantage of her so we had to move her into an assisted living center. 

 She kept asking when she could go home and we came up with the idea of telling her there was something wrong with her ceiling in the LR that had to be fixed before she could go home.  This would satisfy her for a while, then she'd ask again and we'd have the same answer - just taking a long time to get it finished. 

 Try to think of something about the house that you could tell him had to be fixed before he can go  home - maybe putting in a walk-in shower, something that he might like and would wait for.  No need to tell him that is his home now - like you said, it only upsets him.  He'll forget from time to time what you told him last time - just remind him each time he asks that whatever you decide to tell him, is taking a long time but it will be finished.

 Good luck.  I know it's hard to tell you loved one fiblets but it does become necessary sometimes.  Don't feel bad about it.

Tucsonbirder

thank you, Lorita.  Ironically, we redid the bathroom last summer, so that excuse is gone!   I may try to think of something like that, though.  It's just so hard because he still has enough cognitive capacity to process whatever I tell him and if doesn't make a lot of sense to him, he'll just challenge it.  I appreciate everyone's suggestions.   I have to get through this somehow.

Ed1937

Could you have had a water pipe that burst in the ceiling, and ruined it? Or a tree fell on the house, and did extensive damage? Maybe it was so bad that you had to move out for a while (cracked foundation?), and when you can get back in, so can he. I'm guessing he doesn't have much sense of time, so that could play out for quite a while.

Or his doctor has consulted with another expert in the field, and the other doctor said he is not ready to go home yet. You could also let the doctor know what the plan is, just in case he asks the doc about it. You'll come up with something. But most of all - no guilt!! There is nothing wrong with being compassionate.

ElaineD

Dear Tucsonbirder,

I hope you are finding some time for yourself now.  You've earned it.

I have no experience with the situation you are in with your DH wanting to know when he's 'coming home', when there is no plan for him to come home.

And I understand how hard it is to constantly manage his questions.

However, I wonder how helpful it would be for you to tell him that he's not going home, that he is home..   Would he remember that the next day?

From what I read here, LOs with dementia often ask to 'go home' even when they are home.

I'm afraid this will be a constant question, no matter what you say on any given day..

Bravo to you for providing full time care for the past 3 years.  Enjoy your new stage of life,  you've earned it.

Love, Elaine

Nowhere

What comforts my husband is to be told he’s coming home tomorrow, as he pushes back on being told “soon”. He does not relax with anything other than the therapeutic lie,“tomorrow”. He forgets this within minutes, but the idea reached his emotion and that helps for a few hours.

Tucsonbirder

Thank you all for your wonderful responses and suggestions.  Sorry I "disappeared" after posting for a few days.  It is such a roller coaster!   I did begin to try the "doctor says" approach, and it seems to work fairly well.  I am telling him that I am in touch with his doctor, who wants him to stay a while longer, while he continues to assess him.   He seems to buy that, a bit anyway.  It does quiet down his obsessive requests to come home, and he seems a bit more relaxed about it.  Of course, each day is different, but at least I feel like I do have some new "skill" in responding to his pleas to come home.  Thank you all so much!!!

Marta

Let me reiterate that many of our loved ones ask to go home, even when they are home.  It is generally thought that they are asking for the place where they felt safe, where the world made sense, perhaps their childhood home.