How Do I

banpaeng

Put my wife in a home.  I am a mental wreck and this is killing me.  If I do she will die.  I loose.

Ed1937

If she needs to go there, it will be a win for both of you. You will probably be surprised at how well she will do there. I know it's a hard decision.

David J

I anguish over this decision daily. At times I am desperate and other times I am sure I can do it for a while longer. I am concerned how she would adjust, would she understand, would she blame me?  Would she obsessively ask to come home?  One thing that I am sure of though, when I do place her it will be in a place that will care for her better than I can.

star26

Can you think of it as temporary? Nothing is set is stone. Some people put their loved ones in a home for a month or two to get a break and see how it goes. "Respite stays". That might be easier to swallow than telling yourself "it's forever".  See if you can think of some other story lines besides "If I put her in a home, she will die." There are plenty of members here that have evidence that there are other possible endings to "If I put her in a home...".  I put my LO in a home for respite only for a couple months. About halfway through he was settling in. A couple weeks later he was telling me "take your time" and it was clear he was enjoying the extra attention, change in environment, people and activities. It made me feel kind of hurt that he wanted to stay.

JEDnh2016

I was in your position 6 months ago.  I couldn't sleep, and couldn't imagine leaving her and walking away. My son and her sister and I visited 3 really nice MC, and chose one with a shared apartment with private bathroom.  The night before we placed her, I, was a nervous wreck. When I dropped her off, told her I was going on a business trip, she was staying at this hotel with these nice people. They redirected her, and are pros, knew just how to handle this.

They told me to stay away for 3 weeks for her to adjust.  I had daily conversations with staff, and they said she was adjusting well.  Before my first visit with her, I was really nervous-will she hate me for leaving her?  Will she insist to go home with me? Will she cry and make me feel more terrible?  NO! Again, the trained staff met me as I drove in, and they hugged her and escorted her into the facility. I said I will see you tomorrow, and that has been how the visits continued. 

 Unfortunately the covid came, and my visits were limited, then only window visits in the winter. So when it came time to start in-person visits again, I had anxiety. Our first visit outside of the facility seemed a little strained (probably for both of us), but when we returned, and i brought her back to her apartment, I noticed that she was more at ease and comfortable when she saw other residents, and she was relaxed.

This is a terrible thing you are going through, it sucks.  Keep visiting this forum;  there are so many people that have experienced what you are feeling. It has given me comfort to hear other stories from people like us, that you just can't get from those who haven't felt it.

I had the same concerns as you did.  But I had to place her in a safe place where she could receive 24/7 care in a SAFE place. It still hurts everyday, but I know she is safe and happy. Sometimes that is all you can get, and has to be enough.

banpaeng

Darn Jed, that had to be rough.  I only hope when the time comes and it is coming, I can have the reserve and stamina to do this as well as you.

I am not doing well in this.  The heartache, tears, and just feeling like S--T has got to end.  As stated above, I am mentally depleted and so tired of putting up a facade for my wifes benefit..  I wish I could just get in the car and ride for a month or two.

French

As JED I think that temporary stays are a good way to try.

I am still working and very tired after 3 years of caregiving. Usually, my partner’s family welcomes him several days every 2-3 months. We are locked down again and it’s not possible. This week I have been to the doctor because of several health issues and he advised me to have respite as soon as possible before my health deteriorates more. I have always been very healthy and doing a lot of sport but the last months my knee began to be very painful, then the back, headaches, very high blood pressure...

So I decided to try a temporary stay. We will visit it on Thursday and I am very stressed, but I know it’s needed. I also know everything will be ok because he likes adult daycare. To prepare this stay, I asked the psychologist from Alzheimer’s association to come and discuss with him. With me he avoids the discussion, with her, he agreed to try. The stay will be April 29th to May 17th. I will have 19 days, including 8 working days.

BUT if feel so guilty ! Imagine, he is only 51 years old and he will already be in a memory care... I choose the best one in the city, but even, it’s not a place for a man of 51.

On Thursday I will update you on how it was.

Crushed

DW has been is memory care since September of 2017.  She last knew who I was in May of 2018.  I see her on Facetime almost every weekday and feed her lunch now on weekends. It tears at my guts but she is doing very well there. 

I was her sole caretaker from 2012 -2017  Its a killer job

JJAz

banpaeng wrote:

I am not doing well in this.  The heartache, tears, and just feeling like S--T has got to end.  As stated above, I am mentally depleted and so tired of putting up a facade for my wifes benefit..

 

Have you discussed your burden with your physician?  Dementia caregivers have clinical depression at close to a 50% rate and it can be treated effectively.  Believe me, it makes a huge difference to get treatment with medication.

Blessings,

Jamie

Potsie

My DH has been in a care facility for a year and a half now. He is happy and well cared for. I didn't want to ever place him there. I couldn't do it anymore at home. I am happy that he is safe and has adjusted so well.

Paris20

Friends ask me if I’ll ever put my husband into memory care. My honest answer is that I don’t know...yet. After spending 6 days in the hospital, 4 of which were in the ICU, I learned the hard way that at some point you will not be able to care for your spouse without help. After my health scare, my children found a wonderful and experienced caregiver who now lives with us. We told my husband she’s here for me since he thinks he’s fine and needs no assistance from anyone. Even though I’ve recovered, we’re sticking to that story.

During my hospitalization, my husband deteriorated significantly. He was frightened, constantly asking my daughters when I’d be coming home. Those six days were horrible for him. Before I got sick, he could walk into a restaurant to pick up our take-out orders. Now, less than two months later, he cannot do it. While I sat in the car waiting for him to grab our take-out order, he came out three times to ask about a substitution we had to make. Even after I circled my choice and even after I wrote it down, he couldn’t handle it. I finally went inside to straighten things out. It broke my heart.

JJ401

I know there probably will be a time that DH will need care that I can’t give at home. I watched as his mother and sister slipped into memory care. I know there are limits to what I can do long term. I know that when/if it happens, it will be because it is best for both of us.

Paris20, my DH is starting to have difficulty picking up takeout too. He’s fine if we use the same three places, but anyplace else he waits in the car for me. Yesterday I played find the car.

He is only driving if I am with him and so far his driving is fine. (But I know that is going to come to an end) We went to pick up takeout at a place we have not been to in a while. He pulled in and parked on the far right side of the lot. I get out of the car, and because of where he parked, I have to walk past the restaurant exit to get to the entrance on the left side of the lot. 

I leave by the exit which is closer to where I exited the car. I walk to the car, open the door, and realize it’s not our car. Same color. Similar model, but not our car. Luckily there was no one inside.

I start looking frantically. Where could he be? Then I spot him. He’s moved the car by the entrance door and is looking for me to come out the entrance door. When I ask him why he moved the car, he sweetly says that he didn’t want me to walk so far.