In need of ideas

2020NM

My mom 90 came to live with me five months ago, prior to that she lived with dad 87.  Dad helped out at least one to two days every other week for the first couple of months.   I stopped asking for his help when he would call after a few hours to pick her up, because he couldn’t deal with her outbursts (Alz hadn’t been diagnosed, we all thought her passive aggressive behavior was getting worse). Can’t deny I felt he abandon her when she needed him most. my small social circle pretty much dropped off once she moved in. 

My biggest challenge, how do I keep her out of the kitchen?Rips open dry food box etc because that’s what she wants prepared for lunch/dinner. I child proof fridge. The cabinet locks eventually get broken as she pulls and pulls until they snap. I’m noticing I’m constantly on edge. I / We can’t afford assistance or assisted living. Any ideas? 

DaughterColl

Have you considered applying for Medicaid for your mom?  If her finances are low/non-existent, she may qualify and you could find her a care facility that takes Medicaid residents.

Good luck to you.  Please remember to try to find time to take care of yourself, too!

star26

Try Munchkin Xtraguard Dual Action Multi Use Latches from Amazon on the fridge, cabinets, and drawers. They’re strong. You might find an adult day care facility more affordable. In my area it’s $65/day and they offer sliding scale. When you say “I/We can’t afford assistance” are you including the assets your Mom shares with your Dad? You shouldn’t be also footing the bill for any of her living or other expenses. I don’t blame you if you feel resentful.

2020NM

Thank you so much, I have placed my order for the latches. My parents have always lived separate financial lives. I meant mom cannot afford the expense of assistance. I am looking into applying for Medicaid.

MN Chickadee

I would consult an elder law attorney for financial and estate planning. Since they are married, there are likely rules specific to your state as to how that will affect medicaid regardless of whether their bank accounts are separate. Medicaid is strict and each state is different. The timing of applying can make a difference. A reputable attorney who practices elder law can help make it happen. In some states Medicaid provides some in home help. In most states it covers long term care in a facility. The attorney can help sort out what is covered and what facilities accept medicaid. 

We had baby locks on the cabinets and fridge. It did keep mom out of them, but that just meant she found some other mischief in some other place. Ripping apart drawers and closets, rummaging, rearranging, watering the plants until they flooded the floor. This phase is extremely challenging, and you will constantly be scrambling if you aren't engaging with her every moment. Respite and help was the only thing that truly helped us. Adult daycare was a life saver. In some states it is covered by medicaid and some have a sliding scale. 

Also try to get her to a doctor. Fib and say Medicare or insurance requires an annual check up, or say it's for some other issue like a blood pressure check, or say it's for you and she can come along before your lunch date. Write a list of symptoms and send it to the doctor ahead of time. She needs to be evaluated so you know how to move forward. Some forms of dementia require a bit more planning, and can mean certain medications should or shouldn't be taken.