More cognitive loss, Alas

ElaineD

My DH no longer knows how many brothers and sisters his father and mother had or their names.  He no longer remembers how many children HIS OWN brother and sisters had, nor all their names.

DH also doesn't remember which of his siblings had cancer or what kind of cancer.

My DH is enrolling in a Genetic Counseling program through Duke University.   DH has been referred by his Oncologist because DH has both Colon Cancer and Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, which run in his family.

DH had to complete an online questionnaire about his family history.  I offered to do it for him and he jumped at the chance, since he has always hated questionnaires, and he is no longer skilled at using his computer except for watching the news.

I had to ask him about his parents' siblings and was shocked that he no longer remembers.  He gave me the wrong numbers of siblings and had almost no names.  No idea of the ages they died, or whether anyone ever had cancer.  Even I knew more of them than he did.

DH does have 9 sisters, so I understand that it is perhaps more difficult to remember which sister had what cancer, and the names of all of their children, and their cancers.  But again I remember all of that history and that, for example, one of DH's nieces died at age 45 of breast cancer.

And STILL DH contends that his memory is normal for his age (81).

I am not challenging DH about this memory loss. Earlier this year I realized that he no longer remembers any of the vacations we took in the last 6 years (Ireland, Italy, Germany) and he told me that he didn't try to remember things that weren't important!  

I'm not going to ask him if he has 'forgotten his own family' because they 'aren't important'....but I'm sure he would rationalize that...he clearly has anosognosia.

It is like 'stepping off into midair' for me when he shows a new level of memory loss.  I know this is just the beginning, too.   I feel frightened and a bit frantic.

I feel like between his progressing dementia, his recent surgery for colon cancer (which was already metastatic), and my own severe physical disability and recent diagnosis with Macular Degeneration, I am losing any illusion of control of my life.

I need to keep breathing, and to accept my own powerlessness.  Thank goodness our nearby son and daughter-in-law are clearly committed to helping us in the last stage of our journey.  We are so lucky.  And it's still hard.  

Which will happen first?  My husband's full blown dementia, return of his cancer, or my progression of my blindness?  Or something new?  Yikes.  It's always something, I guess.  Almost every day there's a "New Normal" to adjust to.

Thanks for being here so I can vent.

Elaine

Ed1937

Elaine, I'm so sorry for what you are feeling. But I guess we would all be surprised if you didn't have those feelings. Just remember that we are always here for you.

Nowhere

Elaine,

I’m sorry your experiencing all these challenges. It is baffling how our loved ones brains are not concerned that they’ve lost the ability to remember siblings and important big trips. It’s a blessing though they do not lament the loss. I’m listening to the book, “Codependent No More”. For the past twenty years ir so I’ve been seeking to control my husband’s life as he became more and more disorganized and paranoid with cognitive decline. He simultaneously hated and loved me for my efforts. He’s been in memory care for eight months and he emails me short desperate “Save Me” messages. I cannot and in truth will be lucky if I can even save myself. I let go and am learning it’s okay. Healthy even?

I recently had eye surgeries and light now is so  painful that I keep my eyes closed much of the time. It’s been two months and not getting better so I commiserate with your sight concerns. I’m glad you have family support. May they guide you with decisions you will need to make going forward with your and your husband’s changes. You have been a pillar of strength here for me and others over the years. Wishing you peace and strength.

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