Mixed emotions(1)

Tryingtocope77

My husband’s mom has Alzheimer’s. She has been declining over the years and here recently she has been declining quickly. I love her and I love my husband.The problem is that we have been married for less than 2 years; so in a lot of ways we are still newly weds. Last year was challenging because we had to deal with Covid as newly weds. But also we had to deal with his mom and her worsening Alzheimer’s. I have tried to be supportive. As a matter of fact, I helped get her a new physician and put systems in place to keep her safe. I encouraged my husband to find a senior service to help him with her care. The person was coming in once a week and we had to increase the number of days over time. The problem is that I have started to feel somewhat resentful towards her and the situation.She refuses to cooperate with the assistant and while I know she has Alzheimer’s - much of the resistance has to do with her stubborn personality. She gets angry and says that she want this pets in her house( this person is the sweetest caregiver anyone could ask for) but what it does is put more pressure in my husband to be there all of the time which puts more pressure on our marriage. Here recently he has had to start staying at her house most nights which means we are growing  further and further apart. He mentioned that maybe a senior memory center would be better for her but then the other night he started crying saying that he would stay with her every night if it means she can stay in her home. Bottom line, I am tired of the situation and her stubbornness and the toll it is taking on our marriage. We fight more often than not and I feel lonely like his mother has become his obsession and I am left to juggle all of the other life problems- like jobs, finances, kids etc. I feel guilty for feeling this way but at the same time I feel justified. I feel extremely lonely and just needed to vent.

Ed1937

Trying, welcome to the forum. Sorry you are both dealing with this. Last year I set up a "Plan "B", in case I were to die first or otherwise couldn't do the job. One of our daughters said she would take her mother, but wanted to know what I wanted her to do. I told her to give it a try if she wanted, but if it meant that it would ruin her family, to put her mother in a care center. This disease can tear families apart if given the opportunity. The feelings you are having are justified. But it's something you will have to work out with your husband. Maybe you could have him read this thread. You will likely get several posts on this. Best of luck to you.

Tryingtocope77

Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I hope that things go well for your daughter and her family.

Quilting brings calm

You’ve had a rough start to your marriage, blending  the family, with Covid and now the dementia. Unfortunately it’s not going to get easier.  Yes, putting her in an assisted living or memory care unit will free up the nights.  Usually.  But he will still be spending a good amount of time seeing to her care.   Think of it as having another child because that’s truly the case. 

I wish I could say something that would comfort you,  But there is no sugar coating this disease. What is the age range of you, your spouse, and his mother?  How long has she had dementia?  This can go on for over a decade. 

Iris L.

Welcome.  Try to learn more about dementia.  Your MIL is not stubborn; she has dementia.  Her brain no longer comprehends the world.  She needs someone to be with her.  It doesn't have to be her son.  Don't make him choose between you and her.  

Iris L.