Im new to this....

trixxieredd

Hello....

I have had to put my mom in a nursing home as of the middle of last month. This is after a time being spent in Laureate trying to figure out why she was catatonic and deeply depressed. She had been hearing voices, at times she believed it was even me or "the Father" telling her things. Come to find out this behavior has been going on for a very long time.

Now, because she cannot stay by herself as she wasn't eating, taking her medicine etc they have prelimarily diagnosed her with "delusional dementia". Her short term memory is shot and she continues to believe to be hearing from me and others when she isn't really.

SO, this is what I struggle with. She doesn't want to stay at the nursing home. She says that i told her earlier in the day that i was coming for her but when they call me and I talk to her I explain that Im not coming and she is staying there. She has tried to leave the nursing home pretty much every day since going there. She ends up angry at me and hangs up on me OR she cries. 

I go to see her (right now) once a week. I would go more but due to Covid restrictions this is all I can do.

How do I get used to this? How do I help ease her anxiety and get comfortable in her new surroundings. I feel awful about leaving her there but there is no way I can care for her in my home. Im the only child, my dad is gone, and Im the only family she has. 

I just don't know how Im supposed to navigate this.

Thanks for listening to my rambling.

Laura4yoga

Ramble all you want! Don’t ever be sorry for expressing your needs here! You are not alone and many of us have been in that same spot! As long as you know she is in a place that will take good care of her for you, doesn’t mean you don’t care or love her any less, it just means you care enough to know you would not be doing what’s best for her in your home! I know how hard this is! Focus now on being the confident, strong daughter again and with time she will settle in. Therapeutic fibbing is a great tool to use. When she says something to you about coming to get her, maybe you say just hang in another day or two mom, my car didn’t start? Doctor has to “ok” paperwork yet? Anything you can think of to distract her at that moment. Make sure staff knows your plans and to back you up with their own conversations with her too!

RobOT

Hello Trixie, glad you found us.  After caring for my father at home became physically impossible for me, (I'm an only too) I had to put him in a home two weeks ago. He's tried to break out, he cries, begs, rages, and always tells me he's "ready to go"  whenever I'm there. It's mentally exhausting, and I feel terrible about it.  What I've come to realize, aside from the fact that I did the best thing for both of us, is that I am grieving this loss of him, and the loss he is suffering.  I think and I hope that I will process through this grief the same way I have before with other losses.  I talked to a therapist through my insurance, which helped some, and posting here can be helpful.  There are some very insightful, compassionate people here who are more than willing to listen and share what they've done in similar situations.  Hugs to you and your mom.

glitterqueenscare

RobOT - I read your comment about your Dad, I am so sorry you are experiencing that and for the loss of him.  I went through almost exactly the same thing when we placed my Dad in a nursing home.  He would rage, cry, try to break out, beg me as best he could to take him home, pound on windows, even tried to tell me to leave once.  It was heartbreaking. I dreaded seeing him but I dreaded not seeing him too. It was like giving up on "him" as he once was in a way that I had not done before and although with this disease you always seem to be in some state of grief for your LO, it was truly the worst time of grief for the loss of my Dad - the man - that he once was.  When he died I grieved him still but it was combined with immense relief that his agony was over. The experience when we admitted him to the home was absolutely awful.  He never really settled in, he just progressed past a point where he didn't really understand where he was anymore, partly because they had to place him on so many drugs to keep him calm. I just wanted you to know the grief you are feeling is very hard, I eventually knew I had no control over his progression and had done all I could to fight for him, care for him and always love him but I still carried a great deal of grief about it at the time. He died in 2015.  My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers around that time.  I am now faced with placing her in care likely sometime this year based on her progression status.  You have done and are doing all you can for your Dad, IMO grief is a constant companion to the caregiver when it comes to this disease. God bless you and I pray your Dad finds peace soon where he is at very soon.....

Salsam

I am in the middle of this also.  Not an only, but my brother lives far away...I am grieving the loss of who there were last year, the year they came to live with me, and the years they were independent,  A doctor reminded me I can still give them a hug.  I tell myself this is a way of being let down little by little...so that when they are gone I can feel grief and relief.  They are physically so healthy...life isn't easy.  

doryweston

Hi! I'm so sorry you are carrying the weight of this alone.  I had a very similar experience with my Dad a few years ago. It took a few months of him begging to be "set free", crying, etc, but he eventually settled in, and now (although more progressed in the disease) he is very content.  I truly believe your mother will settle into this new life and the tension will ease off your shoulders.  Its so incredibly hard and sad, for so many reasons, and you have to know that you are doing the RIGHT thing by placing her in a residence that will take great care of her. 

be gentle with yourself, xoxo