Need communication ideas

suzienickell

Good morning,  I am new to this group and am excited to be here.  My mother is in mid stages of VD.  She is obsessing about going to her old home to clean it out to sell it.   I have already done this myself and have communicated it previously to her but she insists on going there.  Everyone I tt says to redirect, make up excuses why we can’t go. Etc etc ... This is just the beginning for me and I already feel like I’ve hit a wall with excuses.  

How do you communicate to your LO?  How do you redirect over & over?  

Sincerely & frustrated, 

Suzie 

dayn2nite2

Can't go "because of COVID."  Don't elaborate more.

RunningWorried76

I hate to say it, but unfortunately for many, "Can't go because of Covid" or some other sort of logical reasoning whether or true or not, may not work. I'm not trying to say it won't work at all, it's worth a try of course, but be ready for more frustration. 

I have frustrations now with my mom about similar issues. About 2 years into VD. She gets obsessed about things, and my trying to make up excuses as to why or why not don't work. For example, similar to you, my mom's old house which she wants to sell, is far away (I can't wait to sell it to get that headache out of my life!) and I had a family friend maintaining her yard and stuff since she moved in with me. He asked for nothing, but I would send him some money every now and then as thanks. Somehow she has this idea in her head that he wants $800 dollars to cut the grass. No matter how many times I tell her that is just not true, she just doesn't accept it and keeps asking another family member to take care of the house (someone who I do not trust!).

She's also in this phase of trying to give stuff away. She wants to give her car to her cousin. I keep suggesting no you can't do that, just sell it to him cheaper than what it is worth since he's family, but you can't just give it away. Sometime she agrees, but then later she tells him he can have it. I've told him and others that she can't make those decisions and they need to come to me (I have all POA, etc.) with questions, but they are trying to take advantage of her. It's sad and really aggravating how the people who you think care about you suddenly become vultures when the crap hits the fan.

Anyway, sorry, I diverted from the original post with my frustration venting.

What I've been told by experts in the field is it's difficult to reason with them. If your LO is obsessed about something, nothing will change their mind. The best thing you can try to do is to change the subject or divert their attention, and hope they will at least temporarily forget about what that issue is. I've been trying this. But it is still very difficult at times. 

Best of luck to you.

Edit: Holy cow, I just realized it's been exactly 2 years today since I joined the online community...

LaurenB

I like the idea of blaming it on Covid.  It takes the ownership off of you and puts it on the virus.  "The house has been sanitized due to Covid and WE can't go see it.  I'm sorry.  Why don't we ... "  All in one breath so that you are controlling the conversation.  The other poster is right that you can't reason with them.  Just stick to the script and change the conversation.

KawKaw

Some things that worked relatively well over time for my mother:

--It isn't safe there right now.  Blank needs to be repaired.  Is it time for your show?

--The doctor says we need to wait.  Are you hungry?

--That's a great idea.  Let's do that after Blank is completed.  Oh, the rain stopped. Let's go outside.

--Awesome, what are your thoughts?  Sounds terrific.  Let's do that next weekend.  Would you like some coffee?

I found sometimes that lightly engaging in the topic was effective in helping my mother feel heard.

It was never a one time thing, though.  The topic was revisited many times for days.  I repeated myself as if it was a new topic.

My spouse has difficulty when this happens with his father with dementia.  We tag team and I begin to direct the redirection.  Over and over.  

harshedbuzz

Like runningworried, when the concept of redirection through fiblets was suggested, I didn't believe it would work. I thought dad had too much cognitive reserve (the man could pull a fairly typically MMSE until just before he died- it was as if serial subtraction by 7s was his superpower) or that he wasn't far enough along. But I was wrong- it worked. It worked well. 

What helped me was to devise a list of reasons why something wasn't happening in the moment, validate feelings when necessary and offer a redirection. So if dad insisted he needed to go to his house in Florida, I would tell him we couldn't today because- 

1. You have an appointment with the doctor next week, we can leave after that. I wish we could go now, I could really use some warm weather. What do you plan to do first when we get there?

2. They've got a hurricane headed their way, we'll head out once it's passed. I wonder if they'll have finished the new pool yet?

YMMV.

HB

Iris L.

RunningWorried76 wrote:

 some other sort of logical reasoning whether or true or not, may not work. 

---

The idea is to avoid logical reasoning, instead to validate your LO's need or desire before redirecting.  The members have many great suggestions.  

Iris L

suzienickell

These are all such great examples.  Thank you so much.

towhee

For RunningWorried--I think part of your difficulty is not realizing the difference between your logical reason why not to do something, a"good excuse" not to do something, and basically saying "Mom, you are Wrong". Telling a PWD that they are wrong rarely goes well. Reasons don't have to be logical in your world, only in hers. The following may or may not work with your mom, they are just examples. Mom-"Charging 800 dollars for mowing the lawn is outrageous!" You-"Aren't prices these days horrible? Why the neighbor down the blocks' lawn service is charging her 300 dollars a month! (you just validated her feelings and left her nothing to push against) We are so lucky to have your friend mow your lawn, He's charged us less in two years than than a professional lawn service would in 3 months! And change subject, distract.   Mom "So and so could do it cheaper" You-"Well he probably could, but would that be fair? After all he (has a full time job, or never gets to spend any time with his kids, or his wife says he never gets anything done around the house now), change subject and distract.  Fiblets have to hook into her world and her motivations. Mom-"I want to give so and so my car" You-"Thats so nice of you mom, but you don't want to (hurt his pride, you value things more if you pay for them, you don't want to mess him up on his taxes, etc). Distract.  Is this manipulation? Absolutely. And you have to be careful, and know where your LO is in their dementia, and what they will likely accept. You also need relatives who won't work against you. 

There is a dangerous point in dementia where PWD retain some ability but lack judgement, when relatives can influence PWD to revoke their POA and give it to someone else, or to do other unwise things. Since there is a good possibility that, however much we don't want it, our LOs will end up in some form of long term care, we have to be careful. Unless your mom has extremely good long term care insurance or is independently wealthy, she might need medicaid. If she gives things away for less than market value, she could be penalized by Medicaid and as POA you would might be on the hook for her care. Please consider consulting a CELA lawyer about how to talk to your relatives, and about what to do about selling your moms house.

I remember how frustrating this stage was, take care.