Memory Care visits causing distress for mom..?

Sunshine days

Hi everyone,

I am hoping that those of you who have or had LO's in Memory Care can offer some insight and/or advice about visits with your LO that seem to be doing more harm than good? My mom was moved to a beautiful Memory Care facility in February due to numerous falls and worsening dementia. She seems to be adjusting fairly well per all of the staff there and I have talked to quite a few of them. They say that she is friendly and smiles and takes part in activities and I see evidence of this on their Facebook page. The issue is that when I and my daughter come to visit, she cries and gets very emotional and all we talk about is why can't she leave there and go back to her former residence? We do our best to distract and redirect and change the subject but it doesn't really work. I am told this is fairly typical among residents in Memory care, but it is so emotionally exhausting for everyone involved... Today she actually wanted to go back to her room before our visit time was even up?! I know it is likely that we remind her of her former " life" and that is why I am now wondering if we should curtail our visits for awhile? ( we have been going twice a week) ? She has a very limited conception of time anymore and maybe it would give her longer periods of relative peace and calm? I don't know what to do at this point. Any advice from those who have been through this before would be greatly appreciated! Thank you and God Bless! 

Shiba-Mom

Hi,

Your situation sounds very difficult and sad.  You want to be there for your LO, but worry you’re visits only make her sad and upset.  I don’t know the answer, but I can tell you that your situation isn’t uncommon. My mother-in-law reacted in similar ways to her family’s visits. We all still visited her anyway, if only to say hello and quickly leave.  As her Alzheimer’s worsened, visiting actually became easier on everyone.  You’re in the really hard stage right now.  I wish you all the best.

MN Chickadee

I know how bad this feels, how laced with guilt it is. It seems like you should be there, but at the end of the day what really matters is mom's comfort and if visits are causing stress then it might make sense to pull back for a while. My LO had a long bumpy adjustment to MC. I would say it took more 2-3 months before I could say she was anywhere near adjusted. We stayed away the first week, speaking only on the phone. We wanted her to rely on the staff and went with the full immersion approach. We tried vising around weeks 2 and 3, but it was like you describe where it seemed to set back any progress she had made. By that time she was engaging some with other residents and activities, and our presence only served to remind her that she wanted to go home. My dad, her spouse, really set this off. We found my sister and I could visit alone after a few weeks but if we were in a group or if my dad went it totally set her back. He stayed away for a whole month. We were worried she might forget him but she didn't. She still hasn't 2 years later despite long periods of no visits during COVID when it wasn't warm enough to sit outside. Since that rocky adjustment period and those painful early weeks we didn't visit, she has settled in. We have nice visits routinely now. 


I guess if it were me I would stay away for a week or two and see how she does. When we were staying away I would still drop in and stay out of sight from my mother to talk to the staff; to communicate to them I was still involved in her care and had high expectations, to bring the staff treats to show my appreciation, and I would listen in on mom at activities to see with my own eyes she was ok when I wasn't there.


We had one member on these boards whose visits were so disruptive to her mother in MC and caused such distress that she stayed away much of the time. She hired her own trusted aide to spend a few hours a week with her mother; this gave her the info she needed to monitor mom's health and gave mom something extra to do. Since the caregiver was not family it did not trigger the intense memories and desires to leave but served a similar purpose. You might see if a friend could check in with your mother in your place.


Hang in there. I remember when the visits were so emotionally draining. As I would drive up to the building I would fill with dread at the thought of another unpleasant visit and wondered if that would ever not be the case. I can report it is no longer the case. This phase will pass. You're doing the best you can. Maybe you step back for a little while and give both of you a break, there is nothing wrong with that.  Later, and even still years later, I sometimes go and just spend 5 minutes depending on what kind of day she is having. Other days I spend an hour or two. There is no right or wrong approach, the only thing that matters is what makes the PWD comfortable and does the least harm. That is a different answer for each person.

Salsam

I am having the same problem.  I stayed away the recommended two weeks.  Now my mother and father have both been there about 3 months.  When I left today, they were like toddlers yelling for me...doesn't make me want to go back.  I took my dad out to Starbucks for awhile, I had to take my mom to the hearing aid place yesterday...she was so confused..but the hearing aid specialist has known her for a long time and really did a great job with her.  She was fine going back that day...every day different.   The staff doesn't know what to do...either...it bothers me, and I don't go back for a couple of days when I have a bad day with them.   They used to live with me for 5 years, so I really miss them, but I don't miss the level of care they had begun needing, so I needed to move them...My mom seemed to really slide down a lot very quickly and then I felt so guilty.  My dad almost seemed to thrive one week, then this past week he has been extremely anxious and wants someone with him at all times...that is impossible. 

I have to remind myself if they don't remember how many minutes have gone by, they also don't remember what mood they were in when I left...and they wouldn't be there if they could understand why they were there.  It ain't easy at all.  I had a touching moment with them...they are divorced...but my dad saw my mom after she and I came back from walking and he was so happy  he said, "We've been married 44 years...I love you so much!"  Then he started to cry and she hugged him...however the next moment he was watching tv and she yelled at him because he yelled with anxiety...so I have to remind myself if a bad moment comes after a good moment the good moment was still there. 

Sunshine days

Dear Shiba -Mom,

Thank you so much for your reply and kind words. It is very encouraging to know that in all likelihood things will improve over time. You are so right, it is so very hard. I told my daughter today that I almost wish she was further along in the disease so she wouldn't remember the past at all.... God bless you.

Sunshine days

Dear MN Chickadee,

Thank you too for your reply and encouraging words. I think I will try what you suggested ,

and  wait a week or two and still check in with the staff to see how she seems... I am so glad to hear that now things have settled down for your mom and you no longer dread the visits...I look forward to that day...Thanks so much for taking the time to write. God Bless you!

Sunshine days

Dear Salsam,

Thanks so much for your kind reply as well. I am sorry you are going through the same thing and with two parents! What a sweet story though about what your dad said...and you are so right things change from day to day and even hour by hour. I guess it is a blessing that they do not remember everything. I hope things get easier for you and your parents, too....God bless!