Accepting help

HP123

My dad is in his element on the golf course. I go with him on the weekend but I want him to accept his aid as his “caddy” so that he can go more often. He is loving and sweet to me but sometimes he is mean to his aid saying he doesn’t need a babysitter. This Sunday, I plan to have the aid come with us so that she can see what I do - make sure dad wears a mask inside, drive the golf cart, help with clubs, track the ball, cheer him on! Any suggestions on how I can approach this arrangement with him? I’ve talked about it before but of course he won’t remember. He’s 82 years old so I’m trying to say that getting a little help is no big deal. Can I say, sometimes you forget so it’s nice to have someone around who can help you? The extra challenge is that the aid is not English speaking. My stepmom was rash in hiring her. She is very sweet but ultimately can’t use language to talk him down. She does take him for walks daily.

M1

Welcome to the forum.  Sounds like a tough situation.  I can understand that the language barrier is a big deal here unfortunately, you need someone who can redirect him.  You didn't ask, but it also occurs to me as possibly risky to let him drive a golf cart with someone else in it.   What if he rolled it and hurt her?  Or anyone else?  Don't mean to add to your troubles, you are right to be concerned.  Lots of helpful folks here, hopefully others will have input.....

jfkoc

I think you are going to continue to meet with resistance with "you need help" approach. Needing "help" is not what an older person is  not going to go along with. It takes way independence and dignity and is like one more rung towards death. Getting a little help is a big deal.

You might approach it as an outing for the aid (please do not call them that). Or That the "not aid" could use a little extra money.

LJS45

I learned the hard way when I tried to convince my mom that she needed help in her home, pointing out that she was falling, unable to bathe, etc. She got very angry. So the first time a care provider showed up, I was there and introduced her as my friend. We had lunch and my mom enjoyed showing my "friend" all of her collectibles.  The next time she showed up, without me there, my mom insisted that she get out of her house and even shoved her.  She called her husband at work to come home because there was someone in her house. When I spoke with my mom she was upset that she just showed up with no warning. So now I call beforehand to tell her she is coming and at what time (even though she doesn't know time) Sometimes she will not remember who she is and I tell her it's the nice lady you like. 

I think it is important that whomever is going to help needs to speak English so as not to compound any frustration. I don't know your dad or what would work, but I would try to think of another strategy to get him to accept help, without telling him he needs help. A little fibbing won't hurt. And I agree that driving a golf cart could be very dangerous. Good luck to you!

HP123

Thanks everybody for the input. I understand the “you need help“ approach is not good. I need to find another way to convince him. I will try to use the fact that it’s an outing and a wonderful way to be outside and enjoy the good weather. He can go whenever he wants. I’m trying to get him to see that having someone along is a means to an end and no big deal! We’ll see how it goes. He really wants this so I hope I can make it work. He calls me 10 times a day sometimes. He thinks that I am his playmate. It’s very sweet but I’m hoping to transfer some of that yearning to do fun stuff onto someone that can make it happen. Wish me luck!

harshedbuzz

Did your stepmom find the aide via an agency?

Maybe she (meaning you) could find a younger male aide through Care.com. I have friends who have had good luck finding younger men who are willing to do sports or hikes with PWD.

MN Chickadee

I guess if it were me I would find an aide who speaks his language, only because dementia communication techniques and redirection are so important and it will make things more confusing for him if he can't communicate with her. Sometimes if the PWD doesn't speak English as a first language they revert to their first language and it becomes challenging for the family if they can't find a caregiver who can communicate with them. But in this case it seems like it would be easy enough to find someone else. Perhaps I'm wrong. I would hesitate to have the only person with him in a public setting not be able to effectively communicate with him if something goes haywire. 


Regardless, you might offer very little explanation. Often the things we think need extensive explanation go unnoticed by our PWD. I would not try to convince him he needs any help, that is usually futile. Say this person wants to learn how to golf, and I've volunteered you to teach her. Yay! You're such a good golfer/teacher you will be good at this. She's fortunate to learn from a great golfer like you. She's just going to watch this time and get the lay of the land, you do your thing. You're going to get along great. Look she brought your favorite snacks. If you stick with this aide maybe say it's an exchange program and it's our job is to show her around our community and how to golf. Find whatever fib he will accept. It doesn't need to be plausible to anyone but him.

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HP123

What you said is what actually happened! At first I thought about saying the aid wanted to get a second job as a caddy and you need to show her but then I decided not to say anything since he wasn’t objecting to her presence. At lunch afterwards, he looks at her and says, do you want to learn how to play golf? She said yes and I said, dad you could teach her! He actually seemed open to the idea. I’m hopeful but we’ll see. We wonder what will happen when I’m not around. I had her ride the cart with him and I rode with my friend that he played with. He did come up to me and say that he didn’t think she was very good caddy. I had to laugh. It was her first time on a golf course. I made sure that I used a translator app to tell her a few key things in Spanish. I thought it went really well.

HP123

One more thing. I am going to check out care.com to see if I can find someone who would play golf with him. Thanks for the suggestion.