Mom with ES AD wants to move away alone

SabaSadr

Really glad I found you all. I could use any help here.

My mother and I currently reside in Lebanon. We made plans to move back to LA, which is facing some delay, because the US Embassy is closed and I need to process papers that could take months. Thankfully my mother is a US citizen so her process will be a breeze once we can leave together.

Since my paper work at the embassy or through CBP is already a lenghty process, I spoke to mom about how moving indefinitely will have to wait a while. She's heard from everyone including her neurologist that she shouldn't travel alone. It's so heartbreaking to see her react when I tell her the above everytime. and then hear her pleading to move straight away alone.

The economic crisis in Lebanon, the pandemic, my dad's severe depression, and a slew of other problems have not helped mom to a healthy and secure environment. It makes perfect sense to move out. Only issue is that I can't leave. When mom is (for lack of a better term) clear-headed, she understands this and agrees. When she's triggered emotionally or going through delirium, she wants to get out of the country whether I go with her or not. Part of me feels that she says these things (mainly to me) to draw my attention to her struggle. She needs someone to feel for her and agree with her. I do as much as I can to help her through her delirium.

I don't know what she will go through or do next, and this scares me. Can anyone suggest what I can do for her?

Thank you.

KawKaw

Welcome to the message boards!

I am sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found this place.  I learned a great deal here to help me care for my mother with dementia.

I think you are wise to hear the emotion behind your mother's comments when she is not having a clear headed day.

Is there a wide support network available for her in L.A.?

Who is her primary caregiver now?

I would hesitate to change her location without someone familiar to her traveling with her.  I would also be leery of letting her relocate unless there are many people able to help in her new location.

Are there any reasons other than her anxiety to move to affect your decision?  Are there other ways her situation would improve despite being without you?

There are books and online videos to help with learning techniques in care and what to expect over time.  I hope others chime in with specifics.  I think YouTube videos with Teepa Snow are available, but cannot be sure I have that name correct.

Again, welcome!

star26

I would try reassuring her and comforting her when she is in one of these distressed episodes even if what you are saying is not entirely true or accurate.  Skip explanations about paperwork, challenges, closed embassies, and the time it might take. Just try to calm and reassure her that "the paperwork is being processed right now and we'll be able to leave soon" or whatever will soothe her. If she were really worked up and remembered past conversations about paperwork delays etc. and was not believing this, I might even say something like "Okay, I'm going to start making arrangements for you to go alone or with cousin X" to appease her. Fibs like this work with dementia because of the person's poor memory, sense of time, and reasoning skills. You describe your Mom as "ES" - which I am taking to mean early stage, so you'll have to see how this therapeutic fibbing goes. But if she's actually EO: early onset Alzheimer's and is further along, I think you may have luck with this approach once you hit on the right wording.  P.S. When you are ready to travel, folks here will have lots of tips for you.

SabaSadr

Thank you for the helpful input. Just responding to the questions above:

@KawKaw - Currently there is just my aunt in LA who knows about mom's AD. I imagine the support system will grow once other relatives are in the know, if mom chooses to open up to them.

I am currently her primary caregiver, but I am looking into hiring a part-time caregiver soon.

I'm with you on her relocating with support awaiting her. I don't think she'll have an easy time traveling for that matter. The neurologist emphasized that she should wait to travel with me (knowing that I'm the primary caregiver). I guess we'll see how long mom can wait and/or how soon I can arrange things.

I'm pretty set on leaving, if that's what you meant. I think if it comes to it and she pretty much buys her own ticket out of here despite any insistence for her to wait, I'll look into options for how to get support through any available network in LA or solicit my aunt's help.

I'll certainly look up the books and videos.

@star26 - That might actually work out better, and I'll give it a shot the next time she brings up how soon I can leave.