apologies, just need to vent

melynnG

Hi All,  Just feeling sad and tired today. Constantly doing for both parents, stayed over last nite because nighttime caregiver couldn't come. Changing mom's Depends, feeding her, etc. Back and forth all day today because we don't have daytime help on weekends (we have 4 hours on the weekdays but I am still there every day). And I know how lucky I am to have the help that I do. I still feel like I live at my parents' house.  And God help me, I leave as much as I can between Depends changes and feedings because staying at their house all day feels like being forced to live in a nursing home and socialize only with the residents.  No one else comes over besides me, our paid caregivers, and occasionally my brother and sister, because of Covid and the fact that my introverted father can't tolerate the intrusion.  I know it's because I'm tired today, but I get irritated when my siblings call my parents but don't call me. My sister lives 6 hours away so she can't help at all on a daily basis. She freezes casseroles for them and brings them when she does come and will be here in a flash if mom is really sick (and of course so am I). She is a paralegal who supervises other paralegals in a large law firm in South Carolina and basically works all the time.  My brother is 1.5 hrs away with 3 kids ages 13, 10, and 8 and is an attorney so he's busy. He does what he can but is not here with any frequency.  I retired early at 53 from the public library system, so live mainly on a pension.  I would be working somewhere if not for mom and dad.  So as my sister is cheerily talking to my dad, I am once again changing a wet Depends and slathering diaper rash cream on mom's backside. I don't call my siblings much, I think because I feel really negative and depressing and don't want to release that energy on them. But I know I am also resentful that they aren't here and don't know what this is like (but I would be mortified if they ever knew I said this).

JDancer

It sounds like your sibs might be in a position to help financially- don't be afraid to ask. Years ago, before I was dealing with this nightmare in my own home, my husband's grandmother lived with his cousin. His grandmother did not require a lot of help, but her presence meant the cousin could not work outside the home. So my husband and I gave her some money every moth to compensate for lost income. It seems like your siblings should do the same for you. You deserve it, ask.

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JDancer

One more thing, melynnG- no need for apologies on this forum. We're here to hear you- questions, venting, whatever you need.

To get an idea of what your (priceless) care is worth, you should go to the spouse message board and read replies to Ed's post "Fair pay for family member."

AmyALove

This really resonated with me. I'm living in my mom's house. Her mind changes everyday. It's exhausting, it's sad, and we haven't reached Depends time which sounds awful. 

I get that Covid left many feeling stuck and, in the grand scheme, I'm luckier than many but being stuck in a place that's not yours, with a mom who was never the nicest and now slips daily, who can barely hear... it has taken its toll. 

First, in a word, I'm fat. I was a bit overweight. Then, mom had three falls in 4ish months and now I'm fat. Cortisol, stress fat as I worried when the next fall would be, etc. Though I'm fat, my motivation to exercise is Zero. Also, my desire to give up wine at night is Zero. I know this contributes extra calories, both from wine and munchies with wine, but dealing with all of this Vice-free feels very difficult. 

Like your post, I too have siblings. I know they don't get the amount of both physical work and mental exhaustion that is our mother. It's tough. It's made extra tough, read resentful, as my siblings are all rich. So I'm here, not rich, dealing with everything. Pisses me off. My sister was our Aunt's caregiver and was well compensated for it. There's none of that here, plus my aunt was nice and fun - mom's no picnic. 

Just leads to all around GRRRRRR. 

Thank you for letting me share.

JDancer

AmyALove: So sorry to hear you are in such a difficult place. It sounds like your siblings are in denial, which can happen for a variety of reasons. Why not give them the benefit of the doubt and assume ignorance? Tell then exactly what you need (and deserve). (I like to put this kind of communication in written form, so everyone can spend time with it before responding. If siblings get defensive and angry they may say things they don't really mean. You need each other's support now more than ever.) I don't mean to simplify what is obviously a complicated situation, but many of us expect others to understand...and they don't. Sometimes we have to be blunt. Explain what you do, what it's doing to you and how you need them to help. I hope they understand and provide you with assistance.

search4innerpeace

Please don't apologize!  I go through frustration with siblings too and feel like I almost do everything.   I now give them duties and ask for help.  Of course the approach is everything.  I wish the help would come unsolicited at times.   Try asking your siblings if they could give you break and be specific on what that will look like.  Your mom is very lucky to have you.

Iris L.

Welcome Amy.  Read about intermittent fasting.  I've lost a lot of weight.  

Iris L.