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First

Hello all,

My mom’s has mid-stage Alzheimer’s. She still knows who I am and enjoys talking to me about my kids (who she vaguely remembers). The conversation goes in circles, but she’s cheerful, even laughing and making jokes. 

My dad (her solo caregiver) says he doesn’t want me having that kind of conversation with her anymore. He says it makes him “wacko” to listen to and “it’s not good for her either.” (When I ask him why it’s bad for mom, he sounds like a person with Alzheimer’s himself and repeats what he just told me.) Instead, he wants me to “redirect” her and change the topic (which doesn’t work because inevitably she asks about my kids again), try to get her interested in playing solitaire on her iPad, or watching TV. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with mom because I live 4 hours away and Dad doesn’t want help. I want to spend as much time with her as I can before her memory gets even worse. Dad says he thinks she’s going to remain stable and not decline, so no need for me to feel a sense of urgency.

I’m still learning about Alzheimer’s, so please clarify for me:

1) Is it okay to answer the same questions over and over? This can’t possibly “hurt” the person with Alzheimer’s, right? Or is it better to try to “redirect”?

2) Is it possible that mom’s condition will hold stable and she won’t worsen both physically and mentally? She’s 91, and everything I’ve read indicated that Alzheimer’s is a long, slow slide. Are there actually cases where the disease doesn’t progress?

I suspect my dad is wrong on both these points. My previous message board rant was anger that Dad was leaving Mom alone several hours/day and wouldn’t get help (from me, my sister, or someone he could pay). Now looks like he doesn’t even want me to visit unless I can “follow his rules” about how I interact with her. This means I sit quietly on the couch and watch the ball game with him, mostly ignoring my mom so she won’t ask questions about my kids. The other thing he seems to be willing for me to do is listen to him talk, mostly about his hideous childhood, but if my focus is on Mom, he becomes visibly angry, leaving the room in a huff, telling me to knock it off, etc.

How can I get time with Mom under these circumstances? I feel horrible about missing this fleeting chance to spend quality time with her.   She’s so alone—I’m sure she enjoys my visits even though she won’t remember later that I was there. But I’m not sure I can stand to visit if my Dad is going to get mad at me every time I go. My therapist thinks he probably has a mental illness and I shouldn’t expect him to be rational . . . 

Thanks for your help and support.

Comments

  • Cynbar
    Cynbar Member Posts: 539
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    Yes, your dad is wrong. Alzheimer's is a progressive disease, it always gets worse although the timetable varies widely. Often, especially in an elderly patient, some medical crisis causes the end of life so it looks like it never gets beyond a certain stage, but it would have if not for the other factors. And yes, it's OK to answer the same questions over and over (most of us are faint this everyday.) Your father may or may not have a mental illness, but irregardless, he is showing you that he resents the amount of time you spend with your mother and not with him. It is exhausting to be a caregiver for a PWD, and often most of the attention is on that person while the caregiver is struggling in other ways. I know I sometimes feel that way myself as I struggle to keep my DH home as long as possible. It must be frustrating to think that your father refuses help wuhile having a hard time himself, but there could be many reasons for this, including some loss of his own cognitive abilities. Have you tried telling him directly "Let me spend x amount of time with Mom and then I want to spend some time just with you, too" ? Also, if your mom is on hospice, enlist the help of her RN case manager and social worker. They are in the home and should have a good feel for what is really going on, they may well have some suggestions for you.
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  • glitterqueenscare
    glitterqueenscare Member Posts: 36
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    I agree with everything Cynbar suggested but wanted to add some advice my Mom's neurologist gave us early on.  She said to keep Mom socially active with as many different people as possible as long as possible because each different person will trigger another line of conversation, another level of interest and get her mind active in a different way.  For instance, it sounds unlikely your Mom is engaging in conversations with your Dad about your kids.  When you walk in it sounds like it might be something she has been wondering about and you are the one and only person she has to talk to about that part of her mind that is still aware of her Grandchildren and curious about their lives.  Embrace that, lean into it and frankly enjoy it because sadly it could be gone the next time you visit.  It's likely your Dad is encouraging her already to play games like solitaire and keeping her mind busy in ways he thinks helps.  You are simply coming with different ways to keep her busy, and conversation about family is perfect IMO. Have you also ever thought about bringing an easy adult coloring book and taking her to the kitchen and sitting at the table to color with her while you chat?  If she is able, that may be one way to appease him that you are trying to do something other than the same conversation loop. Give your Dad a "break" in the other room so you can relax with your Mom, then spend quality time with him too later.  You are doing her a lot of good by sitting there and just chatting with her as long as you can about whatever she wants to discuss and is able to converse about.  Don't doubt that one minute.

    My Mom used to loop conversations too, repeat and repeat and repeat.  I miss it now.  My Mom can still speak but conversations are harder, she doesn't initiate discussions or ask questions and she has trouble coming up with words.  She doesn't remember her Grandchildren's names if asked although for the most part when they walk in she still recognizes most of them, even if she can't come up with the relationship details she knows they're special to her.  Yes we played games with her, took her to senior art and exercise classes, etc. but in the end this disease progresses no matter what - there is no cure.

    Your Dad sounds like he could use some guidance from a palliative care doc, visiting nurse or even a social worker.  The opposite may be true, the less stimulation she has the faster she may progress and anything you are doing with her is stimulation in her brain and every single conversation you have with her at this point should be absolutely treasured.

  • mommyandme (m&m)
    mommyandme (m&m) Member Posts: 1,468
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    When you’re having a visit with your mom, maybe he can go get time for himself? Leave the house?  Maybe he’s just needing all the control instead of allowing you and your mom adult time together.  

    All this is just hard! So sorry, hope you can find some peace today. 

  • Janene
    Janene Member Posts: 7
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    Thanks for all your good suggestions. I love spending time with my mom. She’s become quite entertaining. I’m seeing a side of her I never did before. I think her filter has receded as the disease has progressed, and I know it is a transient window to cherish. My dad is really the problem. I’m in touch with the hospice social worker. I’ll just do what I can, knowing my ability to help or spend time with her will be limited due to his paranoia. As much as I’d like to, I can’t change him. He won’t leave her alone with me, nor does he like it if we go into another room. If he hears us talking/laughing/having a good time, he thinks we’re talking about him and laughing about him. Then he storms into the room and demands to know if we’re talking about him. Everything is always about him. I really do think he’s mentally ill. This is not new old-age behavior for him.
  • jfkoc
    jfkoc Member Posts: 3,878
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    Yes, he is wrong. You can suggest that he use the time to leave and do something he enjoys. If he chooses not to maybe you and your mother can find something to do outside the house. Pick up a hamburger or take a drive.

    Will your mother get worse? Yes, no one knows how fast she will progress.

    I so agree with  you that you spend time with your mother....as much as possible.

  • Salsam
    Salsam Member Posts: 31
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    My parents are divorced, living in the same memory care facility in different rooms.  My mom also does a lot of this looping...I am sorry you cannot be alone with her a bit...is there some way you can take her for a walk and someone can go with you to spend time with your dad while you spend time with your mom? 

    Just recently my dad got more agitated at the facility because he says, "Your mom's brain has gone all to hell."  He is grieving her gradual decline as his own is also going down...oddly, he was worse when we moved them to the facility, now hers is worse in a different way, but she is happier. 

    I wish you the best.  I have learned I do best with my mom and her loops when I am walking with her...of course this only works is someone loves to walk, which she does. 

    And of course, with a walker, for safety. 

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more