DW in Memory Care

DoninNC

As some of you may remember after spending 5 weeks at a Behavioral Health facility my DW went directly to a Memory Care facility. She is doing well there. The rages and aggression has been controlled. She no longer knows who I am. That had started before the psych evaluation. She continues to talk in word salad and continues to wander. I was finally able to visit her for the first time since Feb 11th. They have a visitation room set up with a divider. When they brought her into the room she immediately started exploring the room and although the staff and I attempted to get her to focus on the fact I was there we were never able to achieve that. Then she started disrobing which has become a problem that started while she at the Behavioral Health facility. That ended the visit. 

They did suggest that I purchase some clothes for her made for Alzheimer's patients that have a disrobing problem which I did. Now that is all she wears.

Today I wander through our home looking at all the things that were her life. We married late in life 14 years ago and merged our households. I know she is never coming home. I look around and ask myself what do I do with all those things that were her life. Just curious how others dealt with this?

Ed1937

Don, I'm sorry it is so hard. But she is more calm, and she is safe. I hope you feel better soon.

Potsie

Dear Don,

My DH was in a Psych unit for 41 days and admitted directly to a Memory Care facility. I took some of his clothes and shoes there. The other things we took to hid room were his guitar, keyboard and some family pictures. I wanted to get rid of some of his things that he will never use again. I talked with a couple of our daughters about it and they did not want me to get rid of any of his things. I do get rid of very insignificant things and clothing that they haven't seen in a long time. Some of his special items will be divided up among our children. I am going to keep some of his flannel shirts to wear. The memories will always be in my heart. Do what is right for you when you feel is it time.

I am sorry for your challenges. It's so hard moving forward without your spouse around. Hugs to you.

DoninNC

Thank you for the advice. There is so much here. There are things I know I want keep as memories but so many items she collected/gathered before we met. I would feel guilty getting rid of them but at the same time how much can I hang on to. Do I box it all up and store it? I'm just so indecisive but need to do something. I feel like I need to make changes.

Potsie

After My DH was in Memory Care for a while I changed my bedroom comforter and brightened up the room. I didn't like sleeping in there anymore. I do now and it looks like my room. Now I sleep on his side of the bed.

 I donate whatever I can to the Goodwill. Some things I have stored away to go through at a later date. Other things are still in the closet or drawers. Would any family members be interested in any of her items.

Whyzit

Dear Don, I have thought about your post all afternoon and evening. My heart goes out to you and I encourage you to be kind to yourself. My DH and I have moved twice in the past 5 years and downsized each time. His next move will be to MC. What I have figured out in all this is that eventually someone else will own all that we possess anyway and we don’t need nearly as much as we have. With that thought in mind, keep what YOU want for whatever reasons you have. The rest gift to the kids for whatever reasons they have. Expect them to take it so you are not storing it for them. If they want to store stuff that is theirs to do. The unwanted items can then be sold or donated with joy knowing someone else will benefit from them. It is really quite freeing to do when you do it in your time and your way. Again, be kind to yourself. Avoid the guilt monster.

DoninNC

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. As a good friend always tells me, "how do eat a elephant? One bite at a time."

Crushed

We got married in 1975.  DW has been in memory care since 2017

Most of her clothes are gone to charity. Her knick-knacks are still on the shelves.

I took these earrings off her in 2017 just before she went in.  I put them on the window sill

They are still there. 

   

Gig Harbor

If it were me I would offer anything from her life before you to her family and tell them that you plan to donate what they don’t want. Keep anything that brings you joy when you look at it.  This includes things that are yours that you have collected over the years. Give away the rest. It is freeing to do that. Stuff that has no emotional value is simply stuff. Never feel guilty about getting rid of it. Marie Kondo wrote a good book about this.