Dark Cloud over me today

Potsie

Any tips on how to change the sadness of the day. When I awoke I didn't know where I was, then all the memories flooded back. What can I do to not feel so sad and defeated. What a cruel, cruel disease for all of us. I feel so helpless and hopeless today.

Michael Ellenbogen

Its all about how you think. Think of positive things and only about the things you can change. While it may not be easy but with time it will get better. Find something you would look forward in doing when its all over and thinks about that also. Good luck

Crushed

Michael, that may be what works for you in your life. And good luck to you.and best wishes. 

Please don't suggest it as a universal panacea for everyone.

Grief is REAL and paralyzing and difficult to shake

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Gig Harbor

I know exactly how you feel. Some days are better than others. I plan to come out of this time in my life stronger and I make plans in my mind for things I will do. I am trying to exercise more and use the iFit program on my Nordictrack to take hikes all over the world. Right now it is my travel. I also have lowered my expectations on what my husband can do. I actually try to disassociate myself from him and let him live his day without having me ask him to do things. I am definitely not the house social director and I don’t try to fill his days with activities and fun things because I have too much to do just to keep up with everything that needs to be done. We do some things but he is OK watching TV or walking. There has to be a balance that serves both of our needs. I use my AirPods to listen to audio books when I am doing yard work and at night when he watches his Westerns. This is definitely not the retirement I envisioned. Due to our difference in ages and the fact that he retired at 61 and I worked until 67 he has already had 20 years of retirement with me doing most things for him. I will probably never see 20 years. I don’t feel guilty that I am not devoting every minute of the day to making him 100% happy.

JDancer

Wise approach, Gig Harbor

jfkoc

It is true that our minds only think one thing at a time so anytime we can substitute a happy on for a sad one it is good.

That said, there are times when it seems impossible to make the substitution. Grief has a life on its' own and is different for all of us.

I have learned that what is best for me is to be left alone until the grief lightens. I liken it to be like a wounded animal.

I sorry that you feel helpless and hopeless. It is grief and it will have its way. You will feel better when it loosens its grip.

Michael Ellenbogen

I always was a worrier and I read two great simple books that changed all that in my early years in life and many doctors will agree with it. It is all about how you think. You must train your self to do that. It has changed my life early on. So don’t knock it till you try it.  And trust me I was realy bad about thinking about things.

zauberflote

Potsie, I know the feeling. I'm sorry, and sending hugs. 

The only person in my life I advise on emotions is my adult, immature, autistic son with clinical depression. I advise him the same old same old, to which he rarely pays attention... "get more exercise! Stop eating all the cookies cakes donuts sugar white carbs! Drink water or milk not gatorade! Plenty of sunshine! Sleep regularly! (Nothing is preventing him from that)" That is really all I know. I like to talk to a sympathetic ear for myself, but that doesn't work for everybody. I hope you can find something in the responses here that will give you a lift. 

zauberflote

Crushed, of course grief is REAL. Being paralyzed by grief may be what works for you in your life, and I hope your life may improve despite it, but please don't suggest it as a universal condition. I am one who has had plenty of "REAL" grief and yet little paralysis. Someone less thick-skinned than I might come to believe that since they are not paralyzed, their grief is not real. To those folks I say, however you experience your own grief is the right way for you. Read that in a hospice "Stage 8" booklet, and agree. It was helpful to me and still is.

Crushed

My statement that Grief is REAL is in no way shape or form a statement that it is the same for everyone. Similarly the term "paralysis" does not have a uniform meaning.  Sheesh

Grief is an emotion and a perception Its variation among individuals is so well known that I did not feel it necessary to explain the variation  to this group

  https://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief

storycrafter

Oh my, I SO relate. I journal almost every morning before I get out of bed. This morning my journal was absolutely pathetic! I totally succumbed to it. Anybody who knows me would be flabbergasted at my written language this a.m. The writing was terrible and utterly forlorn and vulgar. Fortunately no one will ever see it.

But somehow it helped me to express it on the page (I am no longer able to physically write by hand with any ease due to arthritis or something, so I've learned to use a tablet that I can hold on my lap; it syncs automatically with my pc and I have my journal in Google Drive so I can access it anywhere anytime).

Fortunately, it was helpful to let it out in that manner. Then I made myself give thanks for something even though my heart wasn't in it. I said some "gratitudes" like a robot; I can get up - thankyou for the warm blanket, I can walk to the bathroom - thank you I'm ambulatory; I can flush a toilet - thank you for plumbing that works. I make a game of not following the "other" thoughts - oh what an ache in that muscle/oh no it's cloudy and dreary outside/omg there's that broken drawer still broken - I don't let myself complete and go down with those thoughts. I re-set and think - ah, i can feel the floor with my feet/I've got running water/etc.

I usually meditate in the morning before I get up also. This morning all I could manage were rote "prayers" of gratitude, mechanically forced thoughts just for the exercise. Thank you I can see my foot. Thank you I can blow my nose and cry some tears.

There's a poem that has a line something like, "...if you cannot stand, lift your heart to heaven...." Lately my grief is teaching me to simply "stop." All I may be able to do today is burst into tears now and then ... and I can lift my eyes to look up. I am practicing stopping any thought that's a downer. When I catch myself thinking, I practice stopping and turning it over to the universe. Sometimes I have to do it every few seconds because my mind persists in doing what the brain does. It works sometimes to interrupt any rumination. It's different from Denial because I acknowledge my feelings, tell myself I can revisit them another time, process it another time, and then make myself not think any further on it. I woodenly put one foot in front of the other. It gets me through the worst of it. And often I then feel better the rest of the day.

I didn't mean to go on and on. Thank you for the topic and for being so honest. It has helped me to see what I'm doing more clearly. A ray of light that I'm not alone in this journey. And I somehow muddle through one more day.

LadyTexan

Some days my emotions are more difficult than others. My emotions today have been stuck on sad and sadder. I am about a 1/2 a second away from bursting into tears. I have to remind myself just to breathe. I don't know what is triggering my feelings. I know my feelings are real and I acknowledge them. I also know they will pass.

Like Michael, I have read about (and learned) how to adjust my thinking to stop negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts. I focus on what I can change. I try to accept what I cannot change.

Like StoryCrafter, I verbalize gratitude no matter how dim my day may seem. I pray even when I am not feeling connected to my higher power. 

Like Lorita, I go to my peaceful place (mine is in the backyard) and watch the wildlife and listen to the birds sing.

I did force myself to do some exercise (yardwork). Specifically, moving a dozen pavers which was a good workout. Unfortunately, I am a stress eater and gravitate toward the carbs and the sugar. Thank goodness there are no donuts in the house.

To all of you who are struggling today, I wish you a better day tomorrow. 

Potsie

I didn't want to be sad today. I had plans to do things around the house. It just hit me. I tried to seek my social worker, not there. I tried the 24/7 Helpline, I was on hold so long and when I left my number my phone would not ring when the called back. It would only accept a voice message. Eventually a dear friend stopped over unexpectedly and helped me through the morning. I don't want to be sad anymore than I want my husband to be living in a Advanced Care facility enslaved in this horrible disease. There are going to be sad days. I am not super human. That's what support groups are for, to support the other person who is struggling.

LadyTexan

You are right Potsie. There are going to be sad days. I am sorry this disease is so very cruel. We walk this path with you. We support you. You are not alone.

I am sending cyber hugs and love to you.

Crushed

Let me just send hugs, its been hard for me lately too.

DW's hair is down to her shoulders for the first time in 45 years.  She is lovely but is the shell of the girl I fell in love with in 1972.  She gobbles the fish sticks I feed her but has no idea who I am.  What kind of person can deal with this easily?  The memories pour over you.   Scuba diving in the Red Sea with our children. Watching her testify on Capitol Hill.  Making love in romantic places.  Photographing lions in South Africa.  Not one night when I did not want to come home to her.  Watching her accept important awards.   Her gratitude when I used my legal skills to get her fair treatment.   Walking with Bears and Rhinos.  Touching whales.  She was my partner in everything we did.  We wrote articles together, raised children together, built a house together. 

So hang in there and do whatever it takes to keep yourself together.  You deserve it

CStrope

I have bad days too, really really bad days.  I usually don't know why that specific day is bad, or why others aren't so bad.  They just are.......   When I'm having a really crappy day, I just allow it.  I allow myself to eat junk food to feel better.  I allow myself to cry about nothing.  I allow myself to feel sorry for me, not my DH, but just me.  And then, I try to find a friend that will let me say whatever I need to say, without judgement.  Someone that will not judge me for any horrible things I may feel and say. Someone that understands who I was like before this whole nightmare started and who understands that I'm doing the best I can.

Then I go to bed, and hope that tomorrow will be better.  Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but I just remind myself that I'm doing the best that I can on any given day.

Crushed

Please do whatever it takes to keep yourself  ALIVE    Chess, church, pole dancing , singing in the shower, prayer, gardening, complaining to friends sex with strangers, cooking, archery WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT

You will get nothing but support from me.

EllisA

Yes, DARK CLOUDS are frequently here.  So far, and I prat that for a long time, I am blessed, by being able to see a little LITE shining through, I focus on that, do some walking in fresh air, make certain all medications are on board and do my best to carry on.  Not always easy, but it does help.  I work on the Brain HQ improvement games a lot, they can get frustrating, but do seem to help.  Visiting my in town family really helps.  Grandchildren are the BEST.  So innocent, yet very loving and encouraging, I am really BLESSED.  EllisA

caberr

My emotions are all over the place.  Good and bad days.  Good days I don't really accept this but I say to myself I can deal with it.  Bad days I get mad and sad and feel like it's just not fair.  I want it to end but I don't want it to end because that will be the end!  Make sense?! 

Just have to take each day at a time and I pray for more good days than bad days

Michael Ellenbogen

I would also recommend speaking to you r doctor to get happy pills as they do work.

Potsie

Thank you for the responses. There are some very kind and supportive words there. This has become my "go to" place where there is so much information and true-to-life experiences that I cant get anywhere else.

 The first 3 years after DH diagnosis I wasn't doing very well. The bad days were continuous. I had never felt such desolation. As I would go through the motions of the day it felt like there was never going to be sunshine again. Occasionally I would have an an ok day and sometimes a couple in a row. Now I actually have mostly good days.

 When a bad day hits I don't know which way to turn. The sadness of losing so much consumes my whole being. I usually try to seek out someone to talk to then I don't feel so alone. On these days I still visit DH at the facility. You all know what it is like seeing your LO disappearing. I curl up on the recliner next to him with my head on his shoulder. I just need his touch and he just gives out a soft chuckle. It warms my heart. I don't ever want this to end and I know it will.

 I am amazed by reading your posts and know that so many share the exact same feelings that I feel. It is reassuring that I am not alone and it also breaks my heart to see so so many caregivers in the same place.

 Thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am so grateful for all of you and the time you took to respond.

The sun is peaking out on me today. Wishing you all a Blessed day!

ElaineMcG

This is my first time on this site and I already feel that this is a good place for me to connect with others going through the same thing.  My husband is in the early stages of Alzheimer's but I already feel like I'm losing him.  I also just feel sad and alone at times.  If I get busy doing something, visit friends, go for a walk, meditate I always feel at least a little better.  As a retired therapist I know we can't just bury our grief, it will just pop up some other way, like fatigue, headaches etc. But I try not to get stuck there.  Being grateful for what is good in the day helps too.  I'm looking forward to connecting with all of. you.

aod326

Welcome to the forum Elaine! This is an amazing place, both for practical tips to help manage the journey, and also for great support from people who really know what you're going through.

Dementia is a profoundly sad disease. It's often hard to see anything other than the losses. One thing I learned somewhere was to focus on what the PWD can still do, not what they can no longer do. Depending on the stage the PWD is in, that could be that at least they can still cook, even if they need help, then further along it could be that they can still feed themselves, or that they can feed themselves with help. That doesn't stop the sadness altogether but, for me at least, it can help to stop going down the complete rabbit hole of loss.

DH died 2 weeks ago. I said to someone, it's not that I'm sad he died - because he had zero quality of life. I'm just terribly sad that he ever got this cruel disease.

Hugs for everyone feeling the sadness today.

Crushed

Hi Elaine and welcome

I'm 70 and I've been on this road over 11 years The first 7 I coped with the steady decline of my loving wonderful wife.  She last drove in 2012. She went int0 memory care in 2017.  She is 68.  The more you love and care, the more it hurts.  I have no magic only support.  Do whatever it takes to keep you going. WHATEVER.  

ElaineD

I think there are two elements to how we are 'feeling'/'facing life'.

1. Basic Temperament:   This is our emotional set point, which I think is mostly innate/genetic.  We can improve the way we 'see' things, how we feel about circumstances, to some extent, but not a great deal.  

This is why research shows that after winning the lottery, or becoming suddenly disabled, people's emotional outlook changes in response to this major life change AT FIRST.  But after some time, most people's emotional outlook reverts to their original basic temperament.

This is also why the happiness from buying things or from travel, or getting married, will improve your 'happiness', but eventually you will be at your basic level of happiness.

2. Current circumstances:  This is why we are here on this forum.  Two things are happening to us every day (almost).  First, our current circumstances often include horrific daily experiences and stress related to our LOWD.  AND second, we are experiencing terrible GRIEF because we are losing our LOWD, and each day there is more grief.   We live with emotional pain that deepens daily.

Try as we might, we cannot say 'don't worry, be happy'.  That does not work.  And the wounds in our current circumstances can only be eased bit by recovery time (sleep, time alone or with family/friends, etc), and validation, love and recognition of both the physical and emotional difficulty of each day and the deep sense of grief and loss this disease inflicts on us.

I am at the beginning of this journey with my DH, and I know there is no way to really prepare for what lies ahead.

Thank you for making this forum possible.

Elaine

Pam BH

Very well said, Elaine, and unfortunately so true.

anneleigh

aod326,  hugs to you that your DH died 2 weeks ago.  I have followed your posts and feel your sadness that he had to ever get the disease. I hope you get support from your closest friends and family.

My husband is declining rapidly and I am feeling the dark cloud as well, but try to find some goodness every day.

Hugs to everyone!

JJAz

Michael Ellenbogen wrote:

I would also recommend speaking to you r doctor to get happy pills as they do work.

Treatment for clinical depression is effective and necessary for many caregivers dealing with what we deal with on a daily basis.  It has nothing to do with 'happy pills.'  Antidepressant medication does not make you feel happy or high.  Instead, it removes feelings of life being overwhelming, and allow you to function normally.  You no longer feel like you are slogging through an endless and overwhelming bog called life.  Antidepressants just make you feel 'normal.'  For anyone who is suffering from the heavy, dark clouds of depression, please go see your doctor and discuss treatment with antidepressant medication.  It can save your sanity and maybe your life.

Blessings,

Jamie