Bad day(5)

Teresag56

Today has been one of those days...when you say I give up...but know I can't.  My mom is treating me and talking to me like I am a little girl. Everything I have done today she has laughed at me or made fun of me. I think this disease has her brain stuck in the time period when we didn't get along. I always felt like growing up I was never good enough....my mom never told me she loved me or gave hugs or encouraging words it was always like I was in her way. We didn't really have a relationship until about 20 yrs ago...but now I am giving up my life to make sure her last days are the best they can be and days like today are so hard...because I hated my childhood and early adult years. I have been thru 3 divorces....but my life has been better the last 25 yrs...I have lived by myself or with my daughter for the last 20 yrs and now taking on the roll of caregiver is so hard with no family to help. I so wish I had thought harder about bringing my mom home from assisted living...I had no idea she was as bad as she is and my life would be completely changed....thanks for letting me vent...I have no one to talk to

MimiMinder

Hi There! It is so good you reached out to the forum. I went back and read your post from last week, about needing to sell the house you bought or else your mother's funds would only last for a year. That got me to thinking about baby steps. 

What step needs to be taken right now? Maybe it would be contacting the facility she had been at to see about readmitting her. 

Then you could focus on a move out day for mom and she could go back to the facility. If I am remembering, she was well cared for and you didn't have problems with the facility (and the move was more to deal with COVID isolation). Hopefully everyone in the facility is immunized and visits will happen again as things get back to normal, or the new normal.

Caring for a parent in the home 24/7 is more tiring and draining and gut wrenching than anyone can imagine. I did it for 6+ months, with my husband's help, and we are still recovering 2+ weeks after placing my mother in a new facility. She was increasingly unhappy with us, which made caring for her almost impossible. We made the best choice we could for her safety and our sanity and moved her to a private room at a locked facility. They call it assisted living, but it is most definitely a memory care facility with dementia-trained staff. She isn't happy there yet (will she ever be??), but she is safe and has staff available 24/7.

Bringing your mother home did indeed change your life, but it doesn't have to define your future life. You need to make the best decision for yourself - and for your mother, too. With her declining abilities, it will become increasing challenging to meet her escalating needs. 

If you are able to place your mom, you would have time to breathe and figure out your next steps. Possibly selling the house could happen after you have regrouped and regained some energy. Having those events happen simultaneously sounds like more than I would be able to handle.

Know that other daughers (and sons) are cheering you on. But remember that you are a really important part of this picture and your needs and mental health are vitally important!

Sending a virtual hug ~ Diana

LaurenB

Wow!  Exactly what MimiMinder said.

Teresag56

Mimi minder

Thanks so much for kind and thoughtful words. I am so glad I found this forum. You guys on here are awesome. Yes this is gut wrenching . I just did not realize it would be this hard. Blessings

mommyandme (m&m)

I feel your pain.  I was having a hard time, while caring for my mother, not letting resentments  of the past interfere with my ability to stay mentally strong in this.  It’s taken me many months to at least feel some peace although those feelings still come up.  With time I’m able to deal and stay aware of reality as it is now.  

Many days I can’t stand my life now.  I’m jealous of those that can just do their life as they want.  So far I don’t regret my decision to care for mom.  If that regret becomes another new reality, I won’t do it anymore and will move her to an MC facility. 

Thanks for sharing! We are not alone.