How do I tell her? What do I tell her?

Jeff86

I have decided that I am going to take my vaccinated body on a trip to Florida to see my sister and nephew, and my brother-in-law and his wife, in Florida and South Carolina.  They have all been vaccinated as well.  This would be my first travel since COVID.

It will also be the first vacation when I will not bring my DW.  She last traveled/flew in August 2019 and it was touch and go, nervous on the plane, nervous in the airport, very uncertain, and so on.  Alas, her traveling days are over.  Even as I have to face that, I have come to feel that it’s not the right answer that my traveling days are over, too, especially as family and friends are far-flung.

So, not without some guilt and trepidation, I am going away for a week.  I will have aides and a close friend staying with her at all times.  She will be safe and cared for.

I have deliberately deferred telling her I am doing this.  Mostly not to create any anxiety.  She is very dependent emotionally on me and will likely not be happy about this.  And she has no short term memory—I don’t know if that means she won’t miss me, or won’t remember that I’ll be back in a week!

At any rate, I’d be interested in any suggestions on what to say to her, to hopefully minimize any anxiety she may have.

M1

Good for you, Jeff, I hope it's a real breather for you. I'm no expert, but my instinct  would be to keep it very simple-no preliminaries and as you're leaving, a kiss goodbye and "honey, I'll be back in a little while." No different than a trip to the store. Let go of as much guilt as you can, easier said than done I know.

Ed1937

Hi Jeff. I could give you an answer, but I'll leave that up to the many people who have already taken time away from their LOs. But when you do go, enjoy yourself. We all need a break from this world we live in. I'm glad you're getting away.

Joe C.

Jeff, Having just done the same respite break for the first time I will tell you what I said when leaving, the story others told DW while I was gone and my overall experience. Since I thinks our DWs are in about the same place maybe you can adapt what I did for your situation.

The morning I left I simply told DW I was going to work gave her a kiss and walked out the door. I have been retired for 6 years but I often tell her I am going to work when my caregiver is here and I’m going out for the day. During my professional career I worked for an electric utility and was frequently called upon to work emergency storm response both in our service territory or to travel to help out other utilities. I could be gone anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks. So when DW asked my stepdaughter and caregiver where I was they would just tell her I was working on a big power outage and I would be home soon. They just told her this every time she asked and I would call here every evening and tell her the same thing. She seamed to accept this story. When I came home the first day she did asked me where I had been but the following day she did not remember that I had been away.

If your like me you are going to feel really guilty on the first day. Do your best to push those feelings aside so you can relax and enjoy yourself. I have felt so much better since I returned from my break. I hope everything goes smoothly and you have a great time.

Rescue mom

I have been on some trips without DH, who had plenty of care. Like you, I can’t give that up, although he can’t go, new surroundings upset him terribly, his last trip was a nightmare for him, which meant for me too.

Others have already said most of this, and I will second it. Here’s my experience:

Any advance discussion of my leaving for long caused upset and anxiety. It was quickly forgotten, but did cause. So on later trips I did not discuss in advance. I left saying I had to see family, would be back in a while or soon, and (whoever) will be here. Keep as short and simple as possible.

If I called while gone, those calls upset him, reminded him I was gone. So no calls to him, although I’d still check in with caregivers.

Caregivers said he would sometimes ask about me, and sometimes he’d say I left him without notice (not true, but he did not remember anything). But that was rare, mostly he just acted as usual.

He’d be upset when I got back, but by the next day he forgot the trip, everything.

Go, and good for you. We have to stay sane. Travel was what we did and had planned to do forever. I can’t give that up along with everything else.

Beachfan

Here’s my suggestion- -make a list: sunscreen, comfortable shoes, visor, cooler clothing, light jacket, extra golf balls, reading material, snacks for the trip, etc. No worries, no guilt; you deserve this getaway.  On the way out the door, say, “I’ll be right back.”  Sadly, it is more than likely that “time” means nothing to your DW.  Go, enjoy yourself, return, all will be well.  Easy for me to say, but I’ll bet it will all turn out to be true and you’ll be a better caregiver for having gone.  Report in upon your return, we’ve all got your back!

Marie58

I just returned from a week in Florida. DH is in MC but I visit him daily. When I leave I always say, 'I'll see you tomorrow'. The last visit before my trip I said, 'I'm going out of town but will see you as soon as I get back.' My DH may be further along than your DW. I don't think he has any concept of time or days. He also doesn't know who I am. On my first visit after my trip, nothing was different. It was as if I never left.

I hope you can relax and enjoy the break. For the pas 40 years, DH and I always travelled together except for a couple visits to see my family or for work related trips. I thought I felt guilty leaving him but then realized it was actually sadness, that he wasn't joining me. I literally felt sick to my stomach for 5 days before my trip because of that. Once I got on the plane, I relaxed and ended up having a great trip and some R&R. Please enjoy yourself, you deserve it.

Jeff86

Thanks for the excellent responses.  They exemplify what an extraordinary community this is—a wonderful mix of sound practical advice and encouragement/support.   

I have locked down the caregiving arrangements and back up if they fail.  I continue to defer telling my DW I am going away, and am fully comfortable with the fiblets I’ll employ closer to departure time.  

Of course, it didn’t help me, trying not to feel guilt, when my DW said earlier this week, without any lead-up, ‘I don’t want you to leave me.’  

But I’ll do my best to get past it.  DW also said, ‘I love your wife   She’s very beautiful   She knows who she is.’

Ed1937

Jeff, I think you have it all covered. Enjoy your vacation.