Family tension

audrey_elle

Hey, y'all! First time poster here...

My mom was diagnosed with EO ALZ back in early December. My dad told me on Christmas, I told my brother the following week, and we told my mom together the next week. It was rough.

My dad and I have a rough relationship. We used to be super close, but my life has not turned out the way I thought it would, and DEFINITELY not the way he thought it should. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing fine, but not in the "9-5 job with benefits, no debt, a husband, and 2.5 kids" kind of way. (Also, he has a good many unaddressed mental health issues- PTSD and possible bipolar, to name a few). My mom and I are VERY close and best friends. Anyways, he likes to hate on me to my mom. This ends up with her defensive, in tears, and hating on him (not a good combo considering he is her primary caretaker and not the best with tears). I don't know what to do! Yesterday I called her when I got off of work, and she had been crying all day because he had called her to talk about me and everything I "do wrong" (don't get me wrong, I mess up PLENTY, but he is finding fault with everything right or wrong these days.) Then when I call her to chat, she ends up crying about it. I know that the tears come with ALZ but I feel so guilty leaving her alone when she's so upset. I work most days and can't be with her 24/7, not that that would be a solution to anything. I'm at my wits end right now. He and I have talked before about not talking to her about known stressors, but he continues to do so. I feel so helpless and like such a burden. Don't get me wrong, my dad is a really good guy and I think he's lashing out from the stress of the diagnosis and life change, but something's got to give! Anyone else been through something like this?

P. S. Is there a trick to not letting my moods be so affected by my mom's? When she's having a hard day, my day goes down hill very quickly. I'm working on this in therapy, but does anyone have any tips?

mommyandme (m&m)

My experience is not quite the same.  But as far as being put in the middle between my husband and my kids I completely understand your moms point of view.  My husband is also a good guy with good intentions.  Even though, putting me in the middle and constantly using me as his sounding board was so toxic for me, after years of it, I almost broke.  And about my own children that I gave my all to nourish and love without condition? I finally found my voice.  

It’s a very selfish thing to vent at someone for his own soothing especially since your mom may not be able to find her voice now.  Basically I stood my ground that my husband was asking/talking to the wrong person.  He needs to direct his concerns and fears at you, not your mom.  Talk to his adult, uncompromised child.  If he finds it easy to vent and leave his feelings on her, it’s just not kind.  She can’t deal with it and it’s so destructive.  If only she could turn and walk away and not allow him into her head space that way.  So difficult. 

For me, not letting moms moods affect me is still a work in progress and prob won’t be entirely gone, ever.  But over time, I’m able to see that it’s not personal.  So I’m gonna say time and learning under a steep learning curve is what helps me progress.  Gaining wisdom in this horrible adventure is my best solution along with time and staying aware. 

So sorry for all this hardship, it’s no fun.

Suzy23

Hi Audrey,

This sounds difficult. 

I can identify with what you say about being so close to your mom and her getting down affects your mood a lot. It is the same with me, but the difference is that my dad has dementia, rather than my mom. So I do a lot of support for my mom. 

I think it’s pretty likely that as your mom’s dementia progresses, your relationship with both your parents will also have to change. As your mom’s dependence increases on your dad, their relationship will change also. 

The more you can accept this new reality, the better you can prepare and figure out what to do. If that makes any sense. Ask your therapist about radical acceptance and compassion. 

I don’t get why your dad hates on you to your mom. He is going to need your help also. Do you have other family or friends who you can talk to about this who know them? 

nutmegtree

Hi Audrey,

I'm also new to this message board. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was reading your post with my jaw dropped because I have a very similar situation. My dad is my mother's primary caregiver but he has several undiagnosed mental health problems himself, medical phobia being one of them. (Anxiety, anger management, OCD, depression, among others.) My relationship with him is strained, to say the very least.

My mom was diagnosed almost two years ago but still isn't receiving the care she needs (and deserves). The hardest thing right now is that because of my dad's medical phobia, he doesn't give my mom the kind of nurturing or enriching care she needs. He doesn't go to any of her doctor appointments, and because of his  "father knows best" attitude, my sister and I are not able to educate him about Alzheimer's or how to care for an Alzheimer's patient. We are helplessly and hopelessly stuck because he won't take advice or get help for his own mental health issues.  My mom and I have always been very close, best friends, but as she has progressed and my dad's actions limit access to her, this relationship no longer exists.

My mom does have a daytime caregiver, but it has turned out that the caregiver does not have in-depth experience about how to manage an Alzheimer's patient and the only activities they do is go shopping. When the caregiver isn't there, my mother sits alone in the house with my father all day long (he's retired) and he "takes care" of her by feeding her OTC sleep medication to "help" with her confusion, emotions, or when she's agitated. (It's more for his own anxiety, so he doesn't have to deal with it. He can just put my mom to bed.) He forces her to eat whatever he makes (he can't cook so he usually buys frozen meals or food from restaurants) and it makes her sick. She has IBS and has to be careful about the kinds of foods she eats but he isn't mindful of this because "she has to eat." My sister and I can't tell him anything because he isn't open to any feedback or learning about Alzheimer's.

My sister and I are at a complete loss. Our preference is for mom to be in a memory care facility, away from my father, where she could have a regular daily routine and could participate in enrichment programs, but my dad will not hear of it and believes the best place for her is in her home. (I understand his heart is in the right place in this instance, but my sister and I would prefer for her to be away from him since another one of his behaviors is that he often yells and screams at my mom when she struggles.)

I understand he is struggling too, not only with my mom's Alzheimer's but his own demons, yet this does not make this OK! 

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to offer you, because I am stuck myself. But at the very least, I can let you know you are not alone. 

As far as not letting all of it affect your own emotions, I know how hard this can be. I was doing well for a while, but recently have started to let things get to me again. I use mindfulness and breathing exercises throughout the day. It allows me to be present to the moment rather than stewing in the situation. I also run, hike, and spend as much time in nature as I can.

Sorry to ramble on, this became much longer than I intended! I hope things start going better for you. Maybe someone will see these messages and offer us both advice!

M1

Welcome nutmegtree. One thing jumps out at me in your post-beware OTC sleep medications in PWD, especially the many containing Benadryl. Could definitely worsen her mental state. Sounds very difficult and I'm sorry- sounds like you need poa for both of them. No easy path to getting it though--