Things were going good until....

Lp57$

Well things were going well until about 3:30 this morning..  My DH woke up confused, but it was later on in the morning before he started getting aggressive! I can't stand this!!  I will be honest I am a crier... I want so much to be calm and I try really hard to be calm in this type of setting, but when he wants to put his hands on me I can only let it go to far until I have to start yelling for him to STOP!  This morning was that, please understand he did not hurt me, he just wants to threaten me and try to hold me down.. Thank goodness his Parkinson has made him weak.  Guys this is just so hard!! What do I when the next time this happens?  99% of the time is calm, even when he ask a ton of questions.  This morning episode was that he was accusing me of stealing his money!!!  Calling me a thief etc..  After I yelled at him to stop, he starts wanting to hug me, I pull away!! I know he can't help this and he tells me he can't trust himself.  You guys that have been doing this along time I admire your courage!  I am not really sure what stage he is in, but the hallucinations are starting to get bad, not scary he is just tired of seeing people smoking in the house and weird old ladies.  He is on the serqueal and neoplazid, they work for awhile but they stop..  We have appointment with the doctor in June, but I told her to put us on the first available.  Sorry to vent, but I have been waiting all day to talk and I am just tired!!!

banpaeng

Lady I feel your pain.  What I will say might not help but for your own safety, either check him into a home or get some major mellow meds.  I am male and 6'1", my wife is 5'2" on a good day but I told her from the beginning that as long as aggressive doesn't start, I will try to keep her at home.  If the roles were reversed I would only hope she sent me to a home so I would not hurt her.

My son called today and asked me if I had started looking at homes yet.  I told him, I haven't because I really don't know if I could put her in a home.  I have enough issues of my own but if she got violent in any way,  I would be looking quick.

Please don't wait till June to see Doc.  Call the desk and say you need to come in NOW.  He needs some major meds. 

 Please check so the folks here know you are ok.  If you need a shoulder to cry on, pretend it is mine and get after it.

Lp57$

Thank you banpaeng!  Yes I will call doctor tomorrow and get him in. I face the same problem you do. I have a place picked out but I am worried about the money issue. I only have so much in savings and I wanted to wait as long as I could before putting him in a place. This disease is so terrible!  Thank you for suggestions

abc123

Dear Lp, I am so very sorry about this. Please realize you are in serious danger especially when he doesn’t know who you are. Please call the doctor and explain to them you are not safe. There are many precautions you can be taking such as always have your cell phone charged and on you. Have a room that you can lock yourself in and call for help. I do realize how terrible this must be for both of you and I’m sorry. We have a member called Lady Texan and she can share some very helpful tips with you. Please remember that your DH is not in control of his actions and emotions. While he would never intentionally hurt you in his right mind, that is no longer the case.

JJAz

It sounds like he either has Lewy Body Dementia or Parkinson's Dementia.  They are sister diseases, both caused by Lewy Bodies in the brain.  It's a different disease than Alzheimer's, and needs a specialist that understands the nuances.  I hope you are able to get the help that you need.

Crushed

Lp57$ wrote:

Thank you banpaeng!  Yes I will call doctor tomorrow and get him in. I face the same problem you do. I have a place picked out but I am worried about the money issue. I only have so much in savings and I wanted to wait as long as I could before putting him in a place.

Please tell me you have a medicaid plan

 Anyone with limited funds should have consulted  a medicaid expert normally an elder care  lawyer  do not listen to anyone else.

 medicaid keeps you alive

DW has been in a facility for 3 1/2 years and is still healthy

  

Ed1937

You have to admit that YOU ARE IN DANGER. PWD have been known to kill their caregiver. You definitely need to see a lawyer who specializes in Medicaid planning. Find a sympathetic certified elder law attorney or another who specializes in Medicaid planning. Tell them about your worries regarding your financial condition, but don't lie about it. The first visit will likely be free of charge, but verify that when making an appointment. You NEED to get this done.

LadyTexan

Hello Lp57$.

Please, please talk to your husband's doctor and tell the doctor exactly what is happening.

After DH was diagnosed, he became aggressive, threatening and verbally abusive on more than one occasion. It was very scary; I was shocked the first time it happened and probably didn't think very clearly.

This post includes several lessons I learned regarding safety. Please don't wait for a crisis to implement safety practices.

The overall lesson is I cannot care for a man that is a risk to my safety.

1. Think about safety and be safe. Safety comes first. 
2. ALWAYS keep your cell phone charged and within reach.
3. Don't hesitate to leave or call 911 in the event of an aggressive explosion that puts your safety at risk. 
4. Trust the people who have endured or are enduring this rugged path. They speak from experience  
5. When people offer to help, let them. 
6. Don’t expect the social services agencies or the police to meet your expectations. But do call on them for assistance  
7. Don’t isolate. Develop and maintain a supportive network.
8. Sleep when you can. 
9. Don’t delay in handling the legal matters.  
10. Decisions should be made based on logic, not emotion. 
11. Remove, hide or lock-up potential weapons. For example, get the guns and ammo out of the house. Get the hammers and box cutters out of the house. I have minimal knives in the kitchen.
12. Identify rooms in the house can be secured with a lock. Although both the bedroom and bathroom door in our apartment can be locked, my plan is to leave the apartment. 
13. I am prepared to leave my home without hesitation, and I will stay away from my home for as long as necessary even if it means sleeping in my car.
14. Consider keeping important documents and a “go bag” in the car or off premises. I keep copies off important documents stored with a loved one out of town.
15. The phone numbers for the crisis response center and the women's resource center are programmed into my phone. 
16. I practice gratitude no matter how hopeless. For example, I am grateful for all of you. I am grateful for the places I’ve slept. The various roofs I’ve had over my head, hot coffee, nature, my car, a cell phone charger, toothpaste, a hot bath, clean underwear, my faith in a higher power. 

DH was angry for months & months and I was his verbal punching bag. Every loss and every problem was my fault. He said the ugliest things to me. He threw me out of the house. He told several doctors that he was divorcing me which made arranging care especially difficult.

After one particularly horrible incident, DH ended up in the psych hospital. Thank goodness. The 72 hours that he was inpatient provided much need respite for me.

As a result of the hospital stay, DH connected with a geri-psychiatrist that is phenomenal. She prescribed anti-anxiety meds and emphasized to him that the meds would not work if he drank. He didn't stop drinking at that point. After several more horrible incidents, and additional meds, and follow-up visits with the geri-psych doctor, husband is now abstaining from alcohol. THAT has made a huge difference. I have quite a few alcoholics in my life, so I know what an anomaly DH's sobriety is. I credit the meds, the doctor and the grace of God.

The verbal insults still come and are still painful. I try to be my own cheerleader because DH doesn't appreciate the depth of my commitment to his well being and care.

My life was often chaotic, miserable, unpredictable and a lonely place to be. Friends and family did not understand what I was going through. But the people on this forum did. They understood and cared. The caregiver heroes here provided applicable and actionable suggestions. 

I also learned to discuss what happened (my husband's aggressive outbursts) with a trusted friend or professional. Thanks goodness I was able to vent on this forum. I received excellent, NONJUDGMENTAL advice and suggestions from the caregiver heroes here.

Later, my counselor helped me process what happened. Once I shared my experience with someone I trusted, the fear and the shame had less power over me.

Please be safe. You matter. 

Lp57$

Thank ya all so much for the good advice. I will get right on it!  I get to go to work on Wednesday so that is my respite because I am working for my step mom and sister at their online business. Things are good this morning so I am happy about that. Thanks again I will be checking in to update what has been done!

banpaeng

Google elder care lawyers near me and interview at least two.  One was free and one cost 300.  I learned so much from the one who wanted the 300, it was unreal.  Tell them you are trying to protect assets and Medicaid.  Don't let the work Medicaid  mess with your mind.  Once I understood the word (thanks to the lawyer) Medicaid it is amazing, the relief I found.  You will have to use the one for your needs.  I wish you the best.

Lp57$

Update: Got in to see the doctor today, and I expressed everything I basically told ya..  For the hallucinations, she is backing off to a lower dosage on the carb/levodapa, to see if it will help with that.  At bedtime the doctor has increased his dosage of seroqueal.  We have another appt in 2 weeks to asset how things are going.  I hope I did not worry anyone, I know that you guys have alot going on yourselves.  I will check in daily..  Again, thank ya for all the good advice.

Ed1937

Glad you got in to see the doc. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better now.

banpaeng

I am  hoping that things get better.  Now that you have a brief break from immediate problem, another problem you mentioned is protection of assets.  Please consider visiting an Elder Care lawyer.  It might give you piece of mind for that problem.

Paris20

I so identify with these posts. My husband’s Alzheimer’s is taking its toll on him and on me. I was hospitalized two months ago, the result of thinking I could take care of him myself. My daughters came up to care for my husband and they brought a 24/7 aide who comes highly recommended by family. During my hospitalization, my husband declined significantly. I was gone for just a few days but the change was serious.

Now he never lets me out of his sight. The shadowing is constant. When I participate in a weekly support group on Zoom, he comes into the room repeatedly. When I tell him it’s private he becomes irate. Today he made a very obscene gesture at me when I told him he should go to another room. When the aide tried to get him to leave, he snarled at her and told her to mind her own business or else he’d fire her. His sexual innuendos are so obnoxious, especially in front of others. I know this is not unusual but it’s still embarrassing.

His anger levels are definitely worsening. Last night he threatened to hit the dog when she disobeyed him. My fear is that all these threats will eventually come to fruition. The neurologist  put my husband on an anti depressant several weeks ago when sundowning started. It helped at first but now he’s worse than ever. My husband thinks he is fine and his short term memory is nonexistent. I don’t know what more I can do.

Crushed

Paris 20

SAME ADVICE

Please tell me you have a medicaid plan

 Anyone with limited funds should have consulted  a medicaid expert normally an elder care  lawyer  do not listen to anyone else.

 medicaid keeps you alive

 Anyone with a violent or abusive spouse MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST   HAVE A PLACEMENT PLAN IN PLACE 

Buggsroo

My husband is the one with dementia. Things go well until he starts banging things, yelling obscenities telling me I am the one with the problem, off my meds etc. The cats scatter like mad, they are terrified, frankly so am I. 

I make all his meals now, try to help him with his hygiene etc. He is very clingy worrying about me if I go out. It is draining, thank god for classical music and reading. I know it isn’t his fault, it is the disease, but I do react, I get angry, he is very grateful for what I do, but in a flash he turns on me. I read these posts and they do help, I am getting better at handling him, but I am mentally exhausted. Thanks all of you.

jfkoc

The use of carbidopa levodopa suggests to me that your husband has either Lewy Body dementia or Parkinson's. 

Both of these would best be treated by a neurologist specializing in Motion Disorder.

Both Jazz,  who posted above, and I had husbands who had the same.

The carbidopa levodopa is a tricky drug. What works one week may not the next and the dose is often changed in the same day which is why the extended pill does not work well.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you would like to talk about this more.