Safety Suggestions if a PWD Is aggressive

LadyTexan

This post includes several lessons I learned regarding safety. Please don't wait for a crisis to implement safety practices.

After DH was diagnosed, he became aggressive, threatening and verbally abusive on more than one occasion. It was very scary; I was shocked the first time it happened and probably didn't think very clearly. 

The overall lesson is I cannot care for a man that is a risk to my safety.

1. Think about safety and be safe. Safety comes first.
2. ALWAYS keep your cell phone charged and within reach.
3. Don't hesitate to leave or call 911 in the event of an aggressive explosion that puts your safety at risk. 
4. Trust the people who have endured or are enduring this rugged path. They speak from experience  
5. When people offer to help, let them. 
6. Don’t expect the social services agencies or the police to meet your expectations. But do call on them for assistance  
7. Don’t isolate. Develop and maintain a supportive network.
8. Sleep when you can. 
9. Don’t delay in handling the legal matters.  
10. Decisions should be made based on logic, not emotion. 
11. Remove, hide or lock-up potential weapons. For example, get the guns and ammo out of the house. Get the hammers and box cutters out of the house. I have minimal knives in the kitchen.
12. Identify rooms in the house can be secured with a lock. Although both the bedroom and bathroom door in our apartment can be locked, my plan is to leave the apartment. 
13. I am prepared to leave my home without hesitation, and I will stay away from my home for as long as necessary even if it means sleeping in my car.
14. Consider keeping important documents and a “go bag” in the car or off premises. I keep copies of important documents stored with a loved one out of town.
15. The phone numbers for the crisis response center and the women's resource center are programmed into my phone. 
16. I practice gratitude no matter how hopeless. For example, I am grateful for all of you. I am grateful for the places I’ve slept. The various roofs I’ve had over my head, hot coffee, nature, my car, a cell phone charger, toothpaste, a hot bath, clean underwear, my faith in a higher power. 

DH was angry for months & months and I was his verbal punching bag. Every loss and every problem was my fault. He said the ugliest things to me. He threw me out of the house. He told several doctors that he was divorcing me which made arranging care especially difficult. 

After one particularly horrible incident, DH ended up in the psych hospital. Thank goodness. The 72 hours that he was inpatient provided much need respite for me.

As a result of the hospital stay, DH connected with a geri-psychiatrist that is phenomenal. She prescribed anti-anxiety meds and emphasized to him that the meds would not work if he drank. He didn't stop drinking at that point. After several more horrible incidents, and additional meds, and follow-up visits with the geri-psych doctor, husband is now abstaining from alcohol. THAT has made a huge difference. I have quite a few alcoholics in my life, so I know what an anomaly DH's sobriety is. I credit the meds, the doctor and the grace of God.

The verbal insults still come and are still painful. I try to be my own cheerleader because DH doesn't appreciate the depth of my commitment to his well being and care.

My life was often chaotic, miserable, unpredictable and a lonely place to be. Friends and family did not understand what I was going through. But the people on this forum did. They understood and cared. The caregiver heroes here provided applicable and actionable suggestions. 

I also learned to discuss what happened (my husband's aggressive outbursts) with a trusted friend or professional. Thanks goodness I was able to vent on this forum. I received excellent, NONJUDGMENTAL advice and suggestions from the caregiver heroes here.

Later, my counselor helped me process what happened. Once I shared my experience with someone I trusted, the fear and the shame had less power over me.

Please be safe. You matter.