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Debbann

Thank you for this opportunity.  My LO, (Dad) age 80, was just diagnosed with mild ALZ cognitive disorder.  I'd like to help Mom out as much as possible but I don't know how.  I've asked if all legal matters have been taken cared of (POA's, trusts, etc) and she says yes. 

 One of the problems is that neither one of us know how to tell him that he is repeating, or remind him when we are out of the house.  There are sticky notes EVERYWHERE!  But he forgets.  He is able to drive and so far, I don't believe he has forgotten where he is headed.  

He is extremely proud, brilliant (so he "gets it") and unwilling to pass things over to Mom.  And at the same time, she is very protective of his mental well being.  They are both very private.  

At what point does Mom take over taxes (some paperwork was lost), all the bills, his MEDS!  That one is a big one!  He will allow her to watch him fill up the daily containers, but if he doesn't take it, he throws it out!  He's a smart one!

Last part, they are about to travel home.  With confusion and anxiety, this will not be easy for Mom, just as heading down south was awful for Mom.  He knows he 's coming home but it's all the airport stuff that gets him.  Anything I can tell her to help with this?  They will not allow me go down to help come home.

We are just starting this process and are in desperate need of both general and specific advise.  Any thing is truly appreciated.  Thank you for reading this.

star26

Hi Debbann, Here’s some info to get you started: 

Reading suggestions: 

“Understanding the Dementia Experience” by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. (available free online)

“The 36 hr Day” (Amazon)

The issue about driving is more than the person getting lost. Dementia affects skills crucial for safe driving such as judgement, reaction time, and visuospatial skills. Drive with him regularly to assess if he’s truly safe. For instance, is he going over the curb when turning right, is he turning into the wrong lane when turning left, how is he handling 4 way stops and unexpected events such as cars or people jumping out in parking lots. You may be able to see these same kind of judgement impairments at home and that can also tell you he's not safe on the road. There are professionals that can assess safe driving but it’s usually only necessary if the person with dementia wants proof etc. 

If bills are being paid late or if the tax paperwork was lost because his record-keeping has gone downhill, it’s time for your Mom to take over. You need to carefully examine and monitor all the accounts to determine if he’s struggling. He’s already forgetting to take meds, so it’s time for your Mom to monitor that too. If they are taken at meal times and she normally serves the meals, she can start by putting the pills in a container next to his plate. Both the ability to safely handle finances and meds are among the first skills to go. If your Mom can ease into handling these things without a lot of fanfare or announcements that she’s taking over, that is best. It’s best to use another excuse for why she’s doing something rather than saying it’s because he’s making mistakes or can’t handle it anymore. 

We usually have to just live with the repeating because people often get upset when told they are repeating and it definitely doesn’t stop it from happening again and again. But even the most patient caregiver loses it sometimes and cannot hear the same words one more time. When that happens, sometimes I jump in and bring up a different topic and hope he can’t remember the long story he was about to tell. 

Airlines and airports usually offer extra assistance for travelers with dementia such as having an escort bring your parents through security and up to the gate. This is something you need to call ahead to plan. You might be able to get more details by searching these forums because it’s been discussed before and members reported it was a big help. 

RobOT

Hi Debbann, sounds like quite a load of stuff.  A few years back my father was a lot like yours, smart enough to get along at first and clever enough to fake it when he wasn't.  You might have to let some of the things go for now, or until your mother decides she needs to force some of the issues.  Fortunately, with things like taxes, most of whatever gets lot can be retrieved online.  What stood out to me, however, were the POAs and the driving.  You didn't say if you know who the POA is, and where any trust or advance directive papers might be.  If there's a crisis, you'll need this information and shouldn't have to take time to look for it.  The driving is a whole other issue.  It's likely that your father will tell you he's fine-just-fine with driving, will never tell you if he got lost or forgot where he was going, or possibly, even if he had an accident.  People fight to keep driving because that's their independence.  With even mild cognitive impairment the focus and multitasking needed to drive safely is compromised.  Places like parking lots, where people appear suddenly from behind cars, heavy traffic with multiple traffic lights, and residential streets all pose challenges even for alert drivers.  An accident where someone else is hurt could wipe out your mother and father's entire savings and investments.  Getting someone like your father to stop driving is really hard, but will become necessary at some point.  Hopefully your mother will be able to let you know how his driving is.  Good luck with all this.

Battlebuddy

   Wow the beginning is so difficult because there is such a learning curve . 

   My first 6 months with my husband being diagnosed was the worst part so far. I don’t think you can remind a person with dementia that they are repeating. They just don’t realize it. 

    Also I agree with others that you just have to slowly take the reins on so many things. 

   There are many folks here who have brilliant loved ones that get this disease, including my husband who was a software engineer working for a major investment company. Unfortunately that only helps for so long . Don’t make the mistake of saying in your mind,” he’s a brilliant guy, he will not have driving problems at the rate others do “  Or that he will be able to handle finances longer. Anything with math and numbers goes fairly quickly I think and complicates a lot of things. 

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Welcome to the group and I hope you learn a lot so you can help your mom.  

Marta

Can you introduce your mother to this site?

towhee

Welcome Debbann- We have had quite a few new posters this week who either have a new diagnosis or who have found their parent is worse than they thought ( usually because the spouse has been covering for them). You might want to read a few posts from this week.

I second reading "The Dementia Experience". It is short and gives you a good general  understanding. Also the 36 Hour Day for specific problem solving. It is set up so that you can read whatever section applies to you instead of the whole book. Also, check out videos by Teepa Snow on youtube. She gives good factual information and also role plays so that you can see dementia behaviors.

You will get multiple responses on the driving issue. I will say that travel and change often increase a PWDs confusion and decrease their capabilities. It would be good if you could find some way for your father not to drive for 3 or 4 days until you can see how things are going.

DPOA and HCPOA- These are the foundation for being able to care for your father and later possibly your mother. You need to see these or at the very least get your mother to give you the following information: 

1- When were they done? - Many banks and other financial organizations will not accept a DPOA if it has been signed more than a couple of years ago. Some will accept only their own DPOA form. HCPOAs and trusts need to be checked every few years to make sure they comply with current law, and updated if circumstances have changed. If there are any changes that need to be made in these documents, those need to be taken care of while your father still has the capability of doing so. Then register the documents with the different financial institutions, make sure all regular doctors have the HPOA on file, and have the person holding the HPOA keep a copy that is readily available for possible ED visits.

2-What type of power of attorney is it?- Is it a durable power of attorney, a "springing" power of attorney, a non-durable power of attorney- You need a durable power of attorney. If it is a "springing" power of attorney you need to know what is required before it can take effect. 

3- Who will hold the power of attorney and/or who is trustee of the trust? Many times spouses name each other. Your father is probably no longer capable of being your mothers' DPOA or HCPOA. You need to make sure that your mother has someone else on her documents, and that someone in addition to your mother is on your fathers documents. Also, the people that are chosen need to know this and agree to serve. 

In short, your mother might need to take all these documents and talk to a lawyer.

There is airport assistance for elderly travelers, and it can make a world of difference. You have to call and arrange for it ahead of time. I think you call and arrange it with the airline.

See if you can get your mom to join an alzheimers support group or read some posts here. The azheimers helpline is 1 800 272-3900, 24/7

Good luck 

Suzy23

Hi Debann,

As someone who has been on the learning journey just about 18 months now, I can say all the advice you have received is excellent. 

In my situation, ending driving for my dad was really unpleasant. Ending his control of their finances —which I am in the midst of —is even more painful for me and my mom. The finances issues have more layers. Getting access to the accounts, the credit cards, and the taxes. Understanding what their savings is, their income, their expenses.

It’s going to mean your mom’s relationship with your dad will have to change. She may have problems wrapping her head around that. And she is likely to  need emotional support as well as logistical and practical support. 

Good luck and best wishes and keep reading. One step at a time. Make lists. 

aod326

Hi Debbann. Maybe your mom could tell your dad that she'd like to learn more about the finances, so would he let her do them for a while? DH and I took turns over the course of our marriage, and I just made sure to say "I think it's my turn - I'll do my share".

Regarding the airport, from what you've said about your dad, I'm guessing he wouldn't react well to "senior assistance". I clearly remember our last trip when I said to myself "never again". It is very stressful and especially when the PWD doesn't believe there's a problem. My only advice is for your mom to stay as calm as possible about everything, stay close to him the whole time, and allow plenty of time to get through.

As others have said, the early stages, when you're getting to grips with things, is very hard. Keep coming back to the message boards - loads to learn, and lots of support.

Good luck.

Gigikf

I’m new to the group!  What an amazing resource this is. I’m 72,live in Colorado and Mom is 93 and lives in St Louis. I go there for a week every month. We have a dr appt in 2 weeks but it’s pretty clear she’s got some type of dementia. I’ve read the 36 hour day and it’s been helpful. 

I’m just looking for some support, guidance etc. I feel I’m doing all I can and I’m not sure its right or enough or too much  

We have advance directives, POA and a trust - I’m the executor.  

I’ll be reading everyone’s comments and just want to say thank you again for this resource. 

Gina

towhee

Welcome to the group Gina. If and when you have a specific question click on the green "add topic" button on the top of the page. You will get more responses that way.

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T-Pam

My Dad could not walk long distances, so having a wheelchair escort thru TSA and to the gates was a life saver for him traveling. (This was a year before diagnosis.) Perhaps that could assist BOTH your mom and dad. Dad may allow a wheelchair for mom & get one for himself to keep up.