His house, no our house

Kevcoy

This is the second go around for my husband and myself with both of us coming off of bad relationships and now we have been together over 20 years and are in our 60s.  Not long after we made the commitment to each other we started looking at houses together and found one we both loved and bought it.  We have done some major and minor remodeling projects but always agreed and loved the final outcome.  Recently though my DH has started telling me, usually in fits of anger, that he purchased the house before we met and paid for all the remodeling with the money he received from the sale of the house he and his ex lived in.  He yells at me that the house is his and doesn't know how I was able to trick him to get my name on the deed.  He sometimes goes around the house pointing to pieces of furniture saying that something is his, something is mine and I'll have to take it when I move out.  Then this morning the talk (yell) was if I wasn't going to take my name off the deed and move out that he was going to sign his portion of the house over to his mother, who hates me, and that is how he can get me off the title.  Because now the thought of the day is he didn't buy the house with the money from a former house it is now the house where his parents lived and they gave it to him.  He tells me that his mother wants to spend her final years in her old house with just her son and not me here.  I try to explain in a calm voice about the house being ours and how we bought it together and the furniture is not his or mine but ours but it doesn't connect.  It is just so sad because we have had so many wonderful memories of holidays, parties and dinners with friends in our house through the years.  Of course I'm not going to leave but I can't help but think I left my ex for far less abuse then I am getting now.  It seems like every day there is another sad reminder of what's ahead.

Marta

Hello. Does your husband have a diagnosis of dementia?

If yes, please download from the internet (free) Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller for insight into what is happening to your husband.

jfkoc

Since reasoning and explaining do not ever do much good perhaps agreeing and telling your husband how nice it is for him to "share" his house and things. 

I know it sounds crazy and not exactly what you want to do but it might work.

Crushed

Ive said this before and I'll say it again

No one is entitled to a personal caretaker to use as an emotional or physical  punching bag

I  know it's the disease IT DOESN'T MATTER

The stress of being an emotional punhcing bag can kill you 

 You need to see an elder care  lawyer right now. 

 

  

aod326

Hi Kevcoy. It's so hard to be on the receiving end of these type of hurtful comments, even when you know it's the dementia talking.  DH went through a similar phase with me. I went along with what he said. I didn't go so far as to agree with him that I'd duped him, but I apologized for the misunderstanding and said we'd definitely look into it "next week". I said that for several weeks, until he got to the point when he no longer said it.

I also had an abusive first husband, and as DH was such a great guy pre-dementia, the rage stage was a horrible shock. The difference, of course, is that your husband's nasty words are unintentional, whereas your ex knew what he was doing.  Crazy as it sounds, don't take it personally when he says those things - it's his broken brain talking.

Good luck.

jfkoc

 I agree but I also believe that when one takes on the responsibility  of being a caregiver one must also know about and learn non-medical treatment.

Crushed

IMHO we never should blame the caretaker for having "inadequate emotional resources"

particularly in a support goup

IMHO No one take on the "responsibility" of being an emotional  punching bag by being a caretaker. 

Iris L.

Read up on "confabulation".  It sounds like his brain is piecing together thoughts from his past.  Did he and his ex argue over their house?  In any case, don't take it personally.  He's confabulating.  

Iris

harshedbuzz

Keycoy-

I am sorry you are living through this. My dad got fixated on housing as part of his array of less then desirable behaviors in the midstages. It never quite went away, but he did- over time- become less territorial in his behavior.

He was also confused and "time traveled". Sometimes this would result in him talking about people who lived with him that no longer did. His parents (long dead) or "the kids" (not sure if I'm a kid, but I'm your age now).

Sometimes he even went looking for things he'd had back in the day and accuse us of taking them from him. It was awful. I particularly recall a skirmish over a painting of a "dancing girl I stole" as he described it, I slowly realized he was describing a Degas. I assure you he never had an original but thinking back my parents did have a couple posters from an Degas exhibition in their first cheap and cheerful apartment. My mother didn't even recall this; I won the bet that it existed(with her only) by pointing it out in the back of an old photograph. This story, btw, is a good example of a confabulation as Iris mentioned. Confabulation is a mis-recalled memory. Generally, there is some piece of the story that is true, but there are holes around it that get backfilled with other people, places and things.

He also claimed to have done all the work to get into his current home. LOL, it was me, using POAs for both parents, who staged, sold, settled and moved two other houses in two states, located the current house, hand held my mom through the process and handled yet another move from their apartment and storage while they hung out in a nice hotel. It's a good thing I didn't crave recognition or appreciation. But it's different for you, the house and the memories it holds are a stage for your life together.

If he is time traveling, he may be emotionally in a place before your relationship which is desperately sad. This could lead him to assume he owns it alone or with someone from his past. I felt a lot of dad's aggressively proprietary behavior came from a place of anxiety and added a geriatric psychiatrist to his team. It was the best move ever. The doc put him on a cocktail of medications which took the edge off and allowed us room to use validation and redirection to get out of the blast zone. 

It might make sense for your peace of mind to sit down with a CELA to discuss the risks/possible moves he could legally take against you or that would bring that serpent of a MIL into the mix. Would he be considered competent to make a move if he were legally able to do so?

HB

Ernie123

My advice echos what has been mentioned above in previous comments. See an elder care attorney and get POA’s in order. ASAP get a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist who can prescribe medications. My DW, married for 53 years who now lives in memory care, two years ago became delusional and believed I was an intruder in her parents home (long dead) and frequently tried to force me to leave, sometimes violently hitting me, screaming at me. It was terribly stressful for us both.

Because she had already been assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist a few months previously, he was able to immediately prescribe medications which calmed her and had no side effects. Over the last two years he has had to adjust and change the meds occasionally to deal with occasional episodes of paranoia, but overall this treatment has helped her become calm and relatively happy in her daily mood.

Dealing with these delusions was undoubtedly the most difficult aspect of her care for me. Apparently such behavior is not uncommon as dementia progresses and can escalate quickly. It is extremely difficult for a single caregiver to deal with, especially a spouse who has many emotional reactions happening at the same time. You must seek help and be prepared to step back and let others assist with his care. These behaviors are unlike to disappear on their own and will likely worsen. You mustn’t put yourself at risk of physical confrontation or undue mental stress. So sorry you are dealing with this. I hope sharing my experience can help you make your way forward.

jfkoc

crushed ...you have stated your opinion about not being a punching bag many times and I while I agree I still believe that committing to the care of someone who is ill carries with it the responsibility of learning as much as possible about how to care and treat a particular illness. Many times we create situations unknowingly that create the punching bag scenario.

 That said I believe that education is not readily available and would never take issue with someone who is not aware of non-medical treatment. I do fault Drs who diagnose with no extra help.

 However more than a few who post here have gone forth to lead educational support groups and put together informational packets for Drs to share with their patients. 

I believe that one of the most valuable things we do here is sharing our experiences and the resources we know about medical and non-medical treatment. 

jfkoc

I have deleted two of my posts because  when I re-read them they seemed irrelevant.

abc123

I am very sorry this is happening to you. I experienced this exact abuse from my husband but it was due to his alcoholism and not dementia. Crushed is right, please see a elder care attorney for guidance. Good luck.