Did I handle it well or handle it badly

LadyTexan

My brother's 60th birthday is tomorrow. I offered to have a small casual low-key birthday celebration for him this weekend at our home. Gatherings at our place are usually a simple store bought dish and a simple store bought dessert on paper plates.

SIL stated she wanted to have a luncheon for my brother on Sunday. She is a wonderful hostess and they have a beautiful home. Gatherings at their home are like stepping into an issue of Southern Living Magazine. Specifically, cloth napkins, fine china and real glasses with a beautifully decorated table and multi dish meal to include salads, sides, an entre and fancy home baked desserts. Their parties are lovely.  

One gathering is not better than the other. They are just different. The party will be at their home, instead of ours.

DH has declined significantly since the last time SIL saw him briefly in February. DH has not been to a social gathering outside our home in over 18 months. I sent SIL an email explaining DH's declines regarding table manners and social graces. Specifically, that I wanted to be seated next to him, that he eats with his fingers and is rather messy. Meal time with DH is comparable to feeding a toddler. I also informed SIL that DH does not always understand what is said and does not always respond appropriately. In addition, if DH becomes overstimulated, we may need to leave abruptly and to please not take offense. I sent the email 2 days ago. SIL has not responded. 

I was trying to be considerate in giving SIL a heads up and am suddenly wondering if I handled this badly. I welcome your feed back. What would you have done or not done in this situation?

ps - this will be a small 6 person family only gathering. Everyone has had both vaccinations EXCEPT for DH and me. I have had my 1st vaccination but DH has not. 

jfkoc

Seems reasonable to me....I would appreciate the heads up.

Crushed

I just would just  assume she is trying to figure out how to handle it in her home

amicrazytoo

I agree, you did the right thing. I have told friends that we used to frequent restaurants with that I am no longer comfortable with DH in that environment, due to his very sloppy eating habits. Gratefully they understand and also told me that we are welcome to come to their home for a meal anytime. They have been there for me since the beginning of this journey. I am grateful for their friendship. If shoes were reversed I would appreciate a heads up.

Ed1937

You did not handle it well, you handled it perfectly! If you hadn't given her the heads up, she might wonder why you didn't if he created a mess or behaved inappropriately.

Rescue mom

You handled it perfectly. Like crushed, I would assume she’s trying to figure out how SHE will handle it.

Marie58

You handled it perfectly. Quite a while ago, we visited out-of-state family for a week-long visit. I sent an email to everyone similar to what you sent. They really appreciated the heads-up, as most of them hadn't seen DH for almost 3 years prior to that visit. They all expressed thanks for the information. Hopefully your SIL appreciates it.

Marta

LT:  vaccinated persons can still transmit the virus to unvaccinated persons.

Best to hold off on socializing until DH has been vaccinated.

M1

LT, first off I think you did exactly the right thing.  Better to have the concerns on the table, than not.  But I kinda agree with Marta, not clear that it's safe for DH to attend given his vaccination status.  I'm wondering if perhaps you could use that as a good excuse if you decide you don't want to go?  Or--is it possible for you to go, and not take him?  Would that be an option you'd want to consider?  Would he need someone to stay with him, if you go alone?  What are you going to do if your SIL responds and says she doesn't want him to come or is not comfortable with him coming?  What then?  I guess that might be worst-case scenario?

Family gatherings big or small can be fraught, even disregarding dementia and COVID.  I guess the answers to all of these questions depend on your relationship with your brother, in part.  Is this gathering something you really care about, or can it slide?  

I no longer have any contact with my extended family of origin or my one brother, so I can't really comment.  Except to say, that I don't miss them, most of the relationships were toxic to start with.  But that's not true for most folks, so I am not really in a position to say.  Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.  But I do think it helps to think through the possible scenarios so you're not taken by surprise.  Keep us posted and sending you good vibrations, as my best friend would say.....

Jo C.

So; it is as special day for your brother, his 60th birthday, a milestone birthday, and part of his wife's gift to him is to give him something she has made for him and put together herself. That is quite understandable and it sounds as though she really enjoys putting together dinners and special occasions; this is a big day for her in celebration of your brother, her beloved husband.

I have been in situations with my LO where there was social rejection and that is painful, but there were also times that while there was not rejection, there  was some discomfort;  after my LO reached a certain level in dementia and behaviors, I understood that if there was a special day for someone else and that my LO would be quite immersed in overt unsettling behaviors, that it would be best not to take over someone's special celebration for my LOs behaviors and needs; there would be other gatherings in the future where that would not be such an issue.  That is just me. 

The celebration is all about your brother; so you have done the appropriate thing in informing your SIL of your husband's issues and behaviors.  I also agree that your SIL is busy trying to process this and thinking of how this will be addressed.

NOTE:  One of the important glaring issues here is that your husband is not vaccinated.  As Marta and M1 have mentioned; vaccinated people can still transmit the COVID virus even when they may be asymptomatic; your husband lacks protection and is at risk.  Frankly; if this were my DH, I would not take him to any events until he at least has been vaccinated.

There is a second issue; and that is of your brother's birthday celebration.  If it seems your SIL is feeling a bit nervous about what you have informed her of, you may want to let her off the hook this one time.  There will be differing opinions about this, but from my personal point of view, I would know that there would be other family gatherings and my husband would be accommodated; this is not rejection.  It is about letting your brother and SIL celebrate the special day without all that could happen taking away from the specialness of the occasion.

I have had to face similar issues and that is how I went about things.  I also knew my LO was a bit undone by all the activity with other people and noise as well as not being in our home.   Gatherings were much more likely to be tolerated and issues accommodated for short periods of time in our own home and I kept the gatherings small so as not to cause too much input to process and always had a quiet room ready if my LO needed to get away from the socialization. During the pandemic there would be no gatherings of any sort until my LO was vaccinated.

So . . . . it is up to you with both issues; one being that of safety and the other being that this may not be the best gathering for this particular celebration.

For myself, I would find a way to attend the party myself and have someone in to be with my LO.  There is no reason for you not to attend the birthday celebration yourself and it would certainly give you a bit of respite for a few hours.

It is up to you and of course your SIL who may be having a difficult time trying to figure  out how to approach all of this when she wants to give her husband his special day.

J.

banpaeng

From a fellow Texan.  I think you did the proper thing.  As you received no response, I would just send another email that your not coming.  I really do not worry about what others think.  I bet that they might want you to come but without your husband.  I have a SIL to my wife who has been to our house 4 times since January 1. She lives 10 miles away.   They do not want to deal with this.  I do and can do without the headaches.

As for the shot thing.  This flu is real.  There is so much dis-information.  I did get both of my vaccines as did my wife.  I kind of quit worrying about this.  I am so wore out from the Alzheimer's, Political BS and all the other crud, I just do as I want to.  I also wear a mask when asked or signage says to.  

Quilting brings calm

I think you handled it fine.  

Since you have not received a response, call your brother directly ( if this is not a surprise party).  Or her if it is.  Inquire as to how many people will be attending and how many of them you will know.  This may be too much for your spouse to handle without a meltdown.  

Ask them point blank if they feel it isn’t going to work.  But be prepared for the honest answer.

Is there a reason  you can’t  have them over later next week for a simple dessert and coffee celebration with your spouse and also go to the luncheon  without him?  

  

JudyMorrowMaloney

I think you handled it perfectly.  Unless you live with someone with Dementia you don't have a clue as to what to expect.  People think its just a loss of memory but its much more.

Cynbar

I think you handled it very well, so much better to have a heads up than be surprised by all this on the day of the party. But I also think that you should prepare yourself that SIL's response may not be "We're so glad to have you both, no matter what." I have been saddened to find out how many people we were close to but just don't want to deal with DH's issues. Facebook is full of pictures of parties we weren't invited to, few people stop by to see him or take him out, most of his relatives ignore him. But I have to admit, I also am uncomfortable taking him places, watching him every second, hoping he'll be fairly appropriate. I don't know how close you are with your brother and his wife, but it might be time for a follow up email. Only you know what your relationship is like, but personally I would have an alternate suggestion ready that you could live with, like either skipping the party altogether or leaving DH home. These boards are full of posters who feel family and friends have let them down.

jfkoc

If you have no response I think it would be reasonable to assume that she took your email as just information sharing. 

Many people do not respond to emails unless there is something to continue the conversation.

I try to send a reply even if it is an OK or a thank you just to let the sender know I received their email.

Safety did not come to my mind after reading your post but certainly there is some risk.

[Deleted User]

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David J

LT- As everyone has said, you handled it well. Emily Post didn’t cover this situation so we all have to play it the best we can. You were polite, considerate, and appropriate. A follow up phone call would clear up any questions.

LadyTexan

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and thought provoking responses.

SIL sent me a very gracious message this morning. She thanked me for the email. She stated she understood and prepared for DH's condition. I let her know that if she had any reservations because of DH's condition or the fact that DH is not vaccinated, and I am only 1/2 vaccinated, to please let me know and we would sit this one out.

SIL has no reservations and we will attend the celebration.

Of the 6 attendees:

• 3 have been fully vaccinated
• 2 are 1/2 vaccinated
• 1 (DH) is not vaccinated

DH and I will accept the risk and spend time with the family. This may be our last family gathering, given DH's continued decline. DH is looking forward to attending. DH has a special gift for my brother and is excited about the opportunity to pass it along.

Thank you again for your feedback. You all are so helpful to us as we trudge this path.

Marta

LT:  enjoy yourself, and let us know how it went, especially when DH presents his special gift.

shardy

Lady Texan, I only just read this thread and am so happy the way it turned out. 

We host all the family gatherings at our place and sometimes it's paper plates and carry out and sometimes it's china, crystal and cloth napkins. We have had family members in the condition you mentioned. Never would we have considered uninviting them. Family is family and with celebrations they are the most important guests to us.

Hope yall have a wonderful time and that hubby gets to have pride in presenting his gift.

caberr

I think you did it right.  I'm glad your SIL got back to you and I agree you should go,  have a great time!

M1

Fingers crossed LT.  I hope y'all have a wonderful time, please do let us know how it goes!  Glad she got back to you.

abc123

Dear Lady, I think you handled this with honesty. Apparently your SIL still does not understand the ravages of the disease that has attacked your precious husband. If I were to seat my LO at a properly set table, (China, crystal, silverware,) she would be completely overwhelmed and would probably break something and cut herself.  If I were your SIL, I would attend the party at your home with your DH included and then have the more upscale gathering at home without including your DH . I see no reason to put him through that.  As always LT you have handled things graciously. Sending peace and quiet to you and DH.

abc123

Dear LT, I hope you and DH had a nice time! Please let us know!  I apologize if I was assuming your SIL to be a terrible person!

LadyTexan

The party did not happen. 

Saturday night, after my brother got off work, he sent me a text saying he had a long week and "we are going to postpone the gala to some other date in the near future". It turned out to be a blessing for DH and me. As I mentioned in another post, DH's hemorrhoids are back. He is in severe pain. Staying close to home was preferred to going to a social event.

I am somewhat worried about my brother. He has been very tired for quite a while now. He declined my father's offer to bring his birthday gifts to him. 

For the record, my SIL is a good person. As long as she treats my brother well, she remains in my good graces.

Now that the party is postponed, I can lobby for a change in venue, to our humble home. I believe we can have a cozy celebration, recognizing the milestone and celebrating my brother for the fine man he is, in an environment that is more dementia friendly for DH.

abc123

Dear Lady T, I hope that DH and brother are both feeling better very soon. Here’s hoping for a peaceful week for all of us!

McCott

Lady Texan -- I am replying more to your earlier post about dealing with double incontinence.  

I don't know  how you can keep dealing with this over time. People can admire your strength and resourcefulness, but it doesn't sound like a situation that can last long.  Have you considered placing him, or do you have definite opinions one way or the other about that?

I finally arranged for long term care when my husband couldn't walk or talk, and the double incontinence had been the reality for only a month or so.  I called Hospice and they took him to their place, but told me I need to make long term arrangements, which I did.  They he died in Hospice two days before he was to be transferred to that expensive place.

As for your sister-in-law's party, which I understand is now cancelled, I would have recommended leaving him home, with an outside friend or hired person, and going by yourself.  Beyond the messy eating, what if he had an episode of incontinence while at her house?  I wonder if they cancelled the party on this account.

I would not have taken my husband anywhere for the last years of his life, well before the incontinence and we never had messy eating, luckily.