Traumatized and policies

Salsam

I wrote earlier about my dad's violent incident.  They have changed his medications...there was a mixup and they are trying a new one which he started yesterday. 

However I got a call last night after his birthday (I was there for that and he was extremely agitated) that he punched one of the workers and spit out his pills.   I asked if she was OK and if I could Facetime with him...and they said their iPAD was not charged but they would call in 30 minutes.  They did not call so I called back after 40 minutes  and found out that the Memory Care Director went up there after hours, calmed him down and got him to take his meds. 

During the day on his birthday he yelled out LOUDLY for the whole room to hear?  What is this PLACE?  80% of the people here are mentally and physically disabled!!! 

I had taken his favorite ice cream bars for everyone.  I had one of his favorite caregivers with me and he really did not quite recognize her....it has been 3 months.  My mother didn't recognize her at all.  But my mom was happy for the attention, chatted with her..

The Memory Care Director has spent a lot of time with him.  I do not think they want him to leave the facility...since he has been there they have added more people, and he has never liked crowds. 

I left when she gave him a cake, but did not mention his birthday and he immediately flipped in to his appreciative funny side and said, "Oh my God, that cake looks delicious!"  And she asked him if he wanted to share it and he said SURE!" 
So we left when he was busy staring at his care and eating it, because I did not want to risk more screaming and anxiety yelling PLEASE DON"T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

But then it was later that night that he punched someone leaving me to wonder if it was my fault for  leaving without telling him. 

Today I stayed away but called twice...had a long talk with the Memory Care Director and I asked about policies...

I do understand he cannot be there if he is hurting people..This time they told me, they cleared the hall and redirected him, and then later he was fine. 

Tonight no problems, but the nurse who called the police on him answered the phone, so they do have her working the late shift..and that upset me...she handed the phone to someone else who said he woke up but went back to bed. 

I did hear from someone out of state that they have to give you 30 days notice if they need you to move the person...

Of course when we moved in all we heard was that only one time ever did they have to ask someone to leave...because that was the sales pitch. 

I can speak with the director to ask about policies, but it is one day at a time.  In my perfect world I would love to be able to visit him often, have the medications kick in and he is happy to be out walking with me and is willing to go back.  But he has always been scared of older people and disabilities...

Ironically he described it perfectly he said there were 30 people in the room and 80% of them had physical or mental disabilities. 

He just doesn't see himself as fitting there...so when I took him to the park and he could look at people of all ages and cars he was calm and happy. He even asked "WHO PUT ME HERE?" I said, I did, because everyone here needs a little extra help and I need extra help too...and we can help them..the problem with Dimentia, is no one knows what can be retained 2 minutes later. 

Last night when I called one of my favorite workers was there, and he told me , yeah , he woke up, and he was a bit agitated but I showed him pictures of puppies and cats on my phone and he calmed down and went back to sleep. 

I wish all the workers were this effective...do some places have conferences and trainings that include family member perspective? 

Thank you, 

will try to sleep now.  

aod326

Hi Salsam. This must be so stressful and heartbreaking for you. Hopefully the meds will kick in and help his distress and behavior. I don't really have advice, but I'll share my experience.

My DH had EO dementia of an unknown variety. I had to place him in MC last August because of wandering, rage and other issues. He was 60, I was 57 and was not in a position to retire, so that contributed to the decision. In his first week he got very agitated and threw a can of soda at another resident. Bear in mind he was a physically very fit 60 year old man, and most of the other residents were 85+ year old women, so this was a particular problem. MC sent him to ER for a psych evaluation that didn't happen. DH went back to MC, a couple of days later he picked up one of the female residents. (Although someone later told me he was actually only trying to help her.) Back off to ER. He was in the hospital for 4 or 5 days and came out way overly medicated. MC insisted I hire an additional 24-hour private aide, which I did - it was extortionately expensive. MC started making noises about whether he could stay at their facility.

Fortunately I was able to find another MC, who had no issues at all dealing with his behavior. I think one difference is that the second MC was MC only. The first was a dedicated MC unit, but part of an Assisted Living. While the first place said everyone had specific training, they clearly were just not able to deal with him.

As is often the case, the first MC had lovely facilities, whereas the second one was very dated, even a bit institutional looking, but suited him way better.

Good luck with everything.

Salsam

Thank you so much. I am so sorry you had to go through this.  It helps to know I am not alone. 

And the early onset is so unfair.  We took them out today to the club restaurant that they are both so familiar with.  My dad was fairly drugged up...but he was calm and enjoyed the food.  My mother was totally HAPPY ...her dimentia has progressed, I think she recognized everyone, but not sure...I think she felt the familiarity if not the details.

When we got back my dad immediately got that grimace on his face that he did NOT want to be there.  He loudly said, "I don't want to be here...all these people are MENTALLY DISABLED or physically disabled. " 
Then he fell asleep --fortunately the caregiver on duty is one I really like, and I told her my worries...oddly they don't tell them what someone did on another shift--or maybe it is best that they don't.  

That is very interesting about the two facilities.  So how is your DH now?  Does he recognize you?  

I am not sure there is another facility here close by.  But I am now getting the impression that the MC director has fewer credentials but very good sense and tact....and the nurse with the credentials is not as effective. 

However in these strange times I think they are short staffed, and there are always procedures in place that protect higher paid people from losing a job...and it is probably difficult to replace her.  

So for me it is one day at a time...and hoping the meds help.  Your story helped me more than you know.  Thank you so much.  

aod326

I'm glad it helped - I find sometimes it helps just knowing someone else has experienced what you're experiencing.

EO dementia tends to progress faster, and sadly DH died 2.5 weeks ago. I had brought him home (with a live-in carer) at the end of January; not because I was unhappy with the care at MC, but really because it was killing me only being able to visit him through the window because of COVID. 

Our live-in carer was wonderful, both caring for DH, and also supporting me. She had to take a week off (which I'd known about) and her stand-in was totally awful, which just confirmed to me that there's such a difference in skills.

I'm not sure DH knew he was at home, but there were several times when I was in no doubt that he knew who I was. He hadn't been able to communicate at all for 3 or 4 months, but even said my name once.

Wishing you lots of luck with your dad's transition.