New here ... sort of depressed today

LarryFeltonJ

Hi.  I'm new to this forum, and am sort of depressed today, although nothing particularly bad has happened.

I flew from my home in Atlanta to Albany NY to take care of my wife's brother, who has developed EO Alzheimer's disease.  It became obvious it was dangerous for him to be here alone, and he has no surviving family here. I've been here for four weeks now.

We're doing all the things we need to do (power-of-attorney, medical proxy, exploring care options).

I set up a bluetooth speaker today and started asking what music he'd like to hear.  It seemed to make him happy, but for some reason the music is making me sad.

There's not a lot else to say.  Tomorrow when I start clearing out the clutter here again, it will keep me occupied, and I'll probably be my usually upbeat self.

This is the third time in my life I've been a primary caregiver for a person in declining health, but at 70 I wasn't expecting to do it for a significantly younger relative.

Salsam

I am so sorry.  It is exhausting being a caregiver.  I got catapulted into caregiving when my aunt died of cancer at 73  and my uncle was 86 with Dimentia...they had no children and she was an only child, so I was the one who flew to NYC from Texas when I got a frantic email from a neighbor...I had sent my mother (age 85 at the time) out there to handle it...and it became very apparent she could not...

At the same time, my father, back in the same town I am from was wandering around and getting lost, and I got a call that he was changing clothes in a swimming pool full of 2nd graders ....out in the open area...so fortunately the people at the aquatic center loved him and knew he was a bit eccentric or had beginning alz, so they   helped him get home and told him he could not come to the pool until his daughter came home. 

I had so many financial things to manage...I had also been recently divorced, but was dating someone who became my husband and has helped me unbelievably -- and his extended family has also helped me. 

The fact that this relative is younger than you is heartbreaking.  You are a gem and a treasure to do this for your wife's brother.  

Our moods with caregiving are all over the map.  We need to be good to ourselves. 

I have a crazy (but not boring) life...cared for my dad and my uncle in my home for a year, until my uncle had a stroke, got re-married, moved my mom into our home when her brother died, and then recently moved both my divorced parents to MC and you can see from other posts what I have been dealing with recently.  

Keeping sane is the goal...and sharing the caregiving also.  Best of luck,

smbren

Hi Larry

I can relate to the depression.  There are some days that just hit me hard.  First thing, I have my wife lean on and a couple of close friends I can lean on when I really need it. 

But on those days, I look at this list of things to do (it is a mental list) and I decide what really needs to happen that day and move everything to the next day that doesn't have to be today.  Just to lighten the day a bit.  And then 'my time' will be something usually quite lazy on those days, often reruns of something on tv as I don't feel like reading or doing much of anything else.  Other days I can manage the energy to do things around the house I've needed to do anyway (but sounds like you are staying with your brother in law, so not like you are heading to your home at night).  Sometimes it's exercise as well, assuming I don't go into that lazy mode.  

I've been doing this for about 3 years now.  And luckily I probably only have a bad day every 2-3 months that just knocks the sh-- out of me.  And I don't let it get to me, the next morning I get up swinging again.  

TIP for the music.  Get yourself a bluetooth ear pod.  Keep only one in your ear so you can hear what else is going on in the house, but then you can play some music you want to hear for yourself as well.   

I also, pre covid, gave myself a monthly 'me day'.  It was reduce to 1/2 day as I could no longer not go to my mother's.  But with covid, these have paused most months.  But what is a 'me day'?  For me, it included go to the spa for a relaxing massage.  And then included some relaxing time at home.  Perhaps lunch with a friend.  Dinner out with the wife, etc.  I encourage others to take a 'me day' and define what that should consist of for them.  It could be a hike, a ride on the harley, getting your nails down (for the ladies mostly lol), etc.  Just a little something that you put on the calendar that's marked as your time.  And for me, I chose to do it monthly, but it could be a half hour each day we you just curl up with a book or something.

Teresag56

I wish I could have a me minute...I get 8 hrs a week to do my errands my appointments and one of those 4 hrs is a cleaning job for my church I have. So I have no me time...only pass 10 at night to 7am...but I have to sleep some...lol...this caregiver life is hard....

smbren

Teresag56 I get it is hard to find the me time.  But as I'm sure you've heard before, if you don't care for yourself, you will end up having trouble taking care of your LO.  And that's why the me time could be different for everyone.  It could be that 15 minutes soaking in a bath once or twice a week instead of a shower.  It doesn't have to be something that takes you out of the house.  If anyone else comes in, that's also a way to take advantage of a little time.  Even if it is just to sit and relax in the other room while someone is sitting/visiting with your LO. 

I cancelled my me times a lot in the beginning.  But now, even though I've shortened the time, I am pretty strict with myself about keeping to it for my own mental health.   

I hope you manage to find a way to find little ways to give yourself that time periodically.   

aod326

Hi Larry. I'm glad you found these message boards, and even more glad that you posted. In my experience there are days, or parts of days, that are just undeniably sad. Sometimes there are obvious triggers - like the day DH and I were out for brunch and I realized that no only did he not know how to use his utensils, but that he didn't mind me cutting up his food and "loading" each forkful. Other days, no trigger, just sadness.

What a selfless person you are, to have been primary caregiver twice, and now a third time. I can imagine that maybe some of your feelings of depression are also a bit of "here we go again", which would be totally natural.

I found the most helpful thing for me was to go with the flow. When the sadness hit, I let myself feel sad, or even occasionally self-pitying (DH was also quite young, diagnosed at 59). It didn't last long and most days I just got on with the practical never-ending tasks. However, I always knew that if it had goneon for long, that I would go to my doctor for help - worth bearing in mind.

Thank you for doing what you're doing for your brother-in-law. Good luck, and keep coming back here for support.

LarryFeltonJ

Thanks!  It seems like you had some of the same experiences as I have (emergency travel due to bad news, multiple family members with issues).

LarryFeltonJ

Thanks!  One thing about the current situation is that I won't have POA until next Wednesday, so I'm alternating between virtually taking care of my business back home, clutter cleaning (his house was filled with papers and food containers), and doing nothing.

Starting tomorrow I'll have to get back on the phone pricing out care options, although I really can't move forward on that until after Wednesday.

LarryFeltonJ

One upside is that while he can't be left alone, he's compliant enough with instructions, and the progression is still moderate enough, that I can take him with me on errands.

LarryFeltonJ

Those moments where he can't figure out how to do simple tasks involved with eating come and go. He dresses himself, but I had to help him put a jacket on.  He couldn't figure out where the arms were, and which was left and which was right.  Also any things that involve a sequence of two or more steps confuses him.