Moving to MC(1)

May flowers

So, we made the decision a few weeks back to move my FIL into Memory Care. We haven’t set a date but it will likely be the first week of May as the paperwork and logistics are taking a while.

Last night, I felt overwhelmed with sadness over it all. Filling out paperwork has made it so much more real and I wonder if I am grieving. My husband checked his dad’s feet last night and his toenails were long so he told his dad we would trim them in the morning. My poor FIL spent the next 2 hours in his room trimming his toenails himself - he can’t see well so he has to go by touch as to whether they are short enough. I don’t know why this particular thing made me sad but I just cried last night. He is so careful with his grooming - he is always dressed neatly, clean shaven and well groomed. Aside from misaligned buttons from time to time this is something he can still do. He was very chatty yesterday, spent hours telling stories from his childhood. He laughed a lot. He is still so polite. Even though he pouts and argues when he doesn’t like something, he is not out of control or violent.

I’ve been thinking about all the what-ifs when he moves, will he feel we betrayed him? I hate the thought of his being lost and confused there especially in the beginning. He never asks for help, so we have to anticipate his needs. I worry he will need something there and not be able to verbalize it. I’ve mentioned this to the director and she says that this is normal and they check with residents regularly as to anything they might need. 

So many scenarios are going through my mind. I feel SO guilty over all this - I keep thinking his care is not that difficult right now, why are we doing this?

I keep coming back to the fact that he will get worse and have to be placed somewhere eventually and he is on the cusp now. He needs supervision but is lucid enough to communicate. I think now is the best time for the move while he can still adjust and communicate, and maybe make friends, get into a routine, rather than wait until he is completely incompetent.

The MC place is amazing - lots of activities, there is something to do every hour. Residents can come and go from their rooms freely, and go to the courtyard outside freely. They are encouraged individually to come out of their rooms and go to activities. They are led to meals and snacks, encouraged to drink water  during the day (an issue with my FIL) and helped to pick out food they want to eat. Every morning after breakfast there is a time of hymn singing and a devotional which my FIL might love - he likes to sing hymns. 

During our tour, I noticed some residents sitting around with caregivers chatting and laughing, some were walking around and greeted us. It was very nice, not at all like places I’ve seen in the past. It is bright and cheerful and the residents seemed close to the same level as my FIL. I’ve talked to other caregivers with LOs there and have heard nothing but praise. We can come and go anytime, families are given a code if they want to visit after doors are locked at 7pm. We are encouraged to bring furnishings and such to make his apartment feel like home.

It all sounds like a good fit for him, so why do I feel so sad and guilty? 

MN Chickadee

Guilt and grief are par for the course. I felt the same way. My LO absolutely had to move, it was already too late, but I still felt horribly guilty. It will pass. It was a very dark, difficult time in my life the couple weeks before and after the move. It sounds like you have thought it through, chosen a good place for him, and you know about the disease and how it will progress. You are making decisions for him to have the care and structure he needs, and that is exactly what you are supposed to be doing. It's just not easy. The staff are likely trained in dementia and have experience with new residents, they will know what to do. The first weeks may indeed be really hard on him (and you.) The transition can take some time. It was an excruciating 6-8 weeks for us. But after that my mother started to settle in and really thrived in MC. She had a higher quality of life then because she was getting the right level of care and activities geared for dementia. She made friends. Two years later she is still thriving there, to the best of her ability now that she is in late stage Alz. Care in a facility has changed so much in our lifetime, some memory care places are truly life savers and I honestly think moving her to a good one was the best thing we could have ever done for her. So just keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. Let yourself grieve, that's ok. There is so much loss with dementia. I have been in a perpetual grief stage for years. Grieving the loss of relationship with my mother and hers with my kids, grieving for her independence, the unfairness of it all. Maybe seek counseling, practice whatever self care you can. Hang in there.

May flowers

Thank you for your response. Did you communicate a lot with your mom after the move or distance yourself? I’ve heard some facilities discourage visiting the first few weeks while others involved the family in the transition. The facility is 2 miles away so we can be as involved as much as would help.

I think like your mom he could thrive once he adjusts. He is SO bored here. I can only entertain him so much - and he’s bored of me too! 

MN Chickadee

The facility was open to whatever we wanted. We stayed away the first week, speaking only on the phone. We wanted her to rely on the staff and went with the full immersion approach. We tried vising around weeks 2 and 3, but it seemed to set back any progress she had made. By that time she was engaging some with other residents and activities, and our presence only served to remind her that she wanted to go home. My dad, her spouse, really set this off. We found my sister and I could visit alone after a few weeks but if we were in a group or if my dad went it totally set her back. He stayed away for a whole month. We were worried she might forget him but she didn't. We would still call nearly daily and check in with the staff. This is something very specific to the individual. You might find visits early on are ok or helpful, you just have to see what works.

aod326

What you're feeling is very normal. Needing to take this next step is another reminder of the progressive nature of dementia, and it makes us sad. 

It sounds like you've found an amazing MC, and put a lot of thought into it. When I placed DH, one of the main reasons was that he was so social and he would do so much better with plenty of people to talk to. I was very anxious the couple of weeks leading up to taking him there, especially the night before.  Even though I labeled his dresser drawers, I was thinking, what if he can't find his socks, what if he can't find the bathroom at night.

Like you, I thought, it's not that bad, maybe I can keep him at home. But when I took him to the door, he was perfectly fine, didn't have any problem going in. 

He did have some aggressive episodes in the first month, but he'd also had them at home. I waited 4 weeks before visiting, which was way worse for me than for him I think!

Good luck!

Michel2020

I am not at the place where you are yet...but I am starting to realize that moving a loved one to a care unit/a** living ahead of time id the way to go. You are doing the right thing, so don't let your guilt beat you up too much. Feel your feelings and let them go...if possible.

I also wanted to say thank you for all of your replies on people's posts...I have learned a bunch this week just from reading comments like yours.

May flowers

Thank you for your kind reply. I am going to have to work on letting go of the guilt. 

I am glad some of my answers have been helpful, I have also learned so much from others.

I spent the day yesterday uploading my FIL’s music CDs to a music player. He is listening to it now and he LOVES it! He made all these song collections for his late wife and now all (500) of them are on his player.  The first thing I will do when settling him into his new room is turn on the music player! It just has one big button to push (off/on). He is having no problems working it so far. 

Iris L.

May flowers wrote:

I spent the day yesterday uploading my FIL’s music CDs to a music player. 

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Question:  what is a music player and where did you get it?  Is it separate from a computer or laptop?  Thank you.  

Iris

May flowers

This is the one I got - it’s expensive but it holds around 1000 songs. I used my laptop to rip the CDs and then copied them to the player via USB. There is an instruction book that walks you through it.

The button is like 3” wide - even with macular degeneration my FIL can turn it on and off! (Yay)

 https://www.alzstore.com/Seniors-Simple-Music-Player-MP3-Music-Box-p/2127.htm

Iris L.

This is great!  I'm going to look for this for myself!  Thank you so much, May flowers!   

Iris

May flowers

Sure thing! It is not fancy, you can skip forward and backwards a song but you can’t skip albums or have random shuffle ... so whatever order you put songs on the player is the order they play in.