Mom's telephone problems

John2.0.1

Hi I joined yesterday and I'm sure that I'll have more questions and comments.

Top of mind though right now is how to solve a telephone problem with my mom. The issue is that mentally and physically more and more often she can't use the phone properly.

The background is that she's 85 years old in memory care. She has Parkinson's, not Alzheimer's. Her problems are both physical and congnitive. The physical issue that creates the greatest barrier is that her hands don't work well.

He has a regular land line wired phone. It's a typical trimline phone where the dial pad is on the handset.

 Her issues are:

1: She can't or forgets to hold the handset to her ear. Frequently when I call her or she calls me it's not on her ear and she can't hear me and hangs up.

2: She frequently does not hang up correctly so the phone will be off the hook for hours until I call and ask the staff to put the phone on the hook.

3: She had problems dialing the phone. It can take her perhaps 15 minutes to dial the number correctly but then she doesn't hold the phone to her ear so when I answer she can't hear me and hangs up.

4: When she finally is able to talk to me she's constantly pressing the buttons on the handset during the call. I have switched her phone back and forth between one with the buttons on the handset vs one with buttons on the base unit. She is able to hold the handset to her head better with the phone with the buttons on the handset but then she's constantly pressing the buttons. The phone that has the buttons on the base unit she doesn't hold to hear ear at all and constantly fails to hang it up properly.

I have been looking at the senior speed dial phones. But mom gets terribly confused with any new device. One phone has big number buttons and separate buttons for speed dial and a place to put my picture or my name on the button. But she needs to press a red button before she presses the speed dial for me and I don't think she'll remember. Another style has combination number buttons /speed dial buttons and the phone is set for one mode of dialing or the other. If I set it for speed dial she may forget and try to call the number and it won't work.

And of course none of those possible solutions will help her to keep the handset to her ear or help her to hang up the phone correctly.

Of course if she wants to call me she can ask the aids for help. But she will not ask for help. (A topic for a different post)

Has anyone found a perfect for the issues that my mom is having?

May flowers

This is the simplest phone we have found, https://www.kisaphone.com.au/

My FIL cannot use the simplest landline phone even with the large picture buttons

John2.0.1

Thanks for replying to my question. Unfortunately there there is no doubt in my mind that she couldn't handle that kind of change. She'd never charge it, it would get lost in her room, she would forget to press the green answer button and forget to press the red hang up button and she wouldn't be able to hold it on her hear.

Anything new needs to be very similar to her lifelong experience or she'll be totally lost. She has never had a cell phone. Even familiar she is forgetting. She can no longer remember on her TV remote that the UP Arrow means up the channels and the Down Arrow means down the channels.

King Boo

A phone in MC is generally a portal for additional stress for everyone - you, your Mom, the staff.

Tell her it broke and take it away to 'fix it'.

Visit or arrange a time to call when staff can help her out at the staff desk/station.

John2.0.1

I'll admit that some day it may reach the point where it will be necessary to remove the phone. But it hasn't reached that point yet. I believe that my mom's greatest fear is that she'll be forgotten. So I call every day if only to say hi check in.

She doesn't abuse the phone. She still gets calls from her sister and old friends though they will stop calling if mom can't hold the phone right.

terei

I dont know if you will get anyone to agree with you that it is not time to ditch the phone.  It is causing frustration + stress to you, her + probably the staff.  It’s possible you could get an Alexa  to be programmed so that it would voice activate ‘Alexa, call Susie’ but she may not even be able to navigate that either.

I would try taking it away to be ‘fixed’ + see how she handles it.     If you want to, you can arrange for one of the staff to call you once a day + have her talk to you.  When it disappears I predict she does not miss it. 

May flowers

I understand completely... the only reason my FIL can use this phone is because it is something we introduced a few years ago when he was more lucid. No way he could learn a new one now. We have the same TV remote issue. 

For a while we had a Google doohickey hooked up to our TV and he could say “watch history channel” and it would turn there. I wonder if they make that for the phone, where you could say “Call John” and it would call the number and then chat just by speaker phone. It would be great if there is something like that. It’s probably already out there and I am just not up on tech. Could she do something like that? 

MN Chickadee

Hi John, welcome. I would remove the phone. It's only going to get worse and cause more stress. Many of us end up removing all technology from the room because it becomes too much. Does the facility have a cordless phone that the staff can bring to her when you call daily? This is how I call my mother in MC. I call the main phone and they bring it to her. Or look into an Amazon Echo type device to install in her room. There are some new features Amazon has (look at their "care hub") that would give you more control from afar. You could use the drop in feature, meaning she doesn't need to answer or push buttons or do anything for you to be able to talk. This would allow you to continue to talk to her without a personal phone in her room.

John2.0.1

I am reluctant to take the phone away yet.

I was over there today and I tried calling her. Exactly as I expected, she was holding the earpiece of the handset a good 6 inches away from her ear.

I don't know why this behavior came up so soon. Usually old habits they can continue to do for a long time. This didn't. We practiced for a while. I expect that it won't stick.

I had her try to call my number. She failed 12 times in a row. She never got it right. I told her she should ask the aid for help when she wants to call me.

I'll see how it goes for another month or so. If she can't hold the phone to her ear I'll probably reduce my attempts to call.

Like I said, she doesn't abuse the phone. If it sits there unused it can just sit there. I call her far more than she calls me. And who knows if she even remembers an hour later.

But i do think that knowing the phone is there is a comfort for her.

Saya_G

This won’t help with all your moms issues - but I got a phone for those with dementia from Amazon, it has big buttons that you can add pictures to. 

I used a label make, typed the simple instructions to the handle. My mom can still read.

It has worked well for her.

Hope this helps some.

smbren

To say what others have said, it may be time to remove the phone.  I understand you want to keep it there. But if you stop and really think about it, is it to make her comfortable or you?  If she is having trouble holding the phone and dialing, it may be a bigger source of pain to her than you realize.  And you say you call her way more than she calls you.  Are you sure?  If she has that much difficulty calling you, 12 failed attempts in a row while you were there, how many attempts is she making when you’re nit there.  If this is happening, the phone may be a bigger source of frustration for her than you think.  

My mom is starting to face issues with technology now as well.  And I am constantly looking to simplify things.  Or what can we remove that we don’t really need.  

Based on the comments I’ve seen here, I think I am going to get my mom an echo so I can start to teach her to use it while she still has some cognitive function.  And it will surely help with the holding the phone part.  

Rockym

Your poor mom... I can only imagine how upsetting this is to her.  I'm guessing she forgets a few minutes later, but these little frustrations add up.  If you want to keep the phone perhaps you can put a small piece of bright yellow duct tape on the back of the listening portion of the phone that says EAR. If she is more in the beginning stages, she may get it.  If not you will have to find a better way to communicate with her.

dayn2nite2

The phone is probably only a source of comfort for you.  For her, it's probably another source of anxiety and distress, knowing that she must have been able to use this thing before and no longer can.

Remove the phone.  It is another "fail" in her life.

John2.0.1

The remote control thing is something we have in the works. We've got the equipment but haven't set it up yet. It's a basic Tablet attached to a charging stand and we can remote control the table from our house. We were planning to first try it out doing Skype calls. We call her and we can remotely have the Tablet answer the call on her end. Audio only at first of course.

I suppose we could find a voice control for her to just talk to the tablet and tell it to call us but she may never really get that.

We were then thinking about getting a printer so that we can send her new calendar pages or other prints.

Because of mom's issues with her hands/finger movement due to Parkinson's, she is unable to write notes for herself that she can actually read. Her writing is totally illegible.

zauberflote

We had an old desk phone for Mom.  When she got to the point where your mom is now, we unplugged the phone at the back of it (no incessant busy signal!) and bro (long distance, so most frequent caller) would call front desk and ask them to go back to her room , plug back in, dial him, and when he answered they'd give the handset straight to Mom's ear. Bro's voice gave Mom great comfort although she'd generally keep the chat quite short, and staff would fix up the phone on their next round. Of course the time came when the phone made no sense to her, but it was on that table the remainder of her life anyway. 

There were occasions on which she was given staff cordless to use, but the signal was very cheap, very garbled, and very intermittent. I couldn't understand her at all, which made for some tense and creative moments. Luckily, staff were able to calm her.  

She'd lost the ability to correctly dial out in her late 80's, but maintained the ability to know our voices on phone until the last maybe 6 months. She never "abused phone privileges",  lucky for all involved. 

ebplionis

I second the comment about an Alexa device.  The echo show has been a game changer for us.  It took a bit to set up correctly, but now, I "drop in" on my mom and dad, and I literally just appear on the device.  They don't have to worry about answering a phone, eliminating the physical and cognitive challenges of that.  If she has the capacity to learn "Alexa call son" she could also do that.  But honestly I use it to drop in on my parents almost daily, and I can see them, and they can see me, and we have the benefits of electronic communication without the hassle of them needing to learn a new device.

John2.0.1

Mom just called. 

I talked briefly to the aid who said that mom wanted to talk to me so she dialed the number. I thanked the aid very much.

Mom "I just wanted to let you know I'm coming home now"

Me "Mom you are at your home, your apartment."

Mom "Oh, yes I'm in my apartment.

Me "yes. How are you?"

Mom "I guess I can sleep in the basement"

Me "Well that might not be very comfortable. Why not sleep in your bed. It's right there in your apartment"

Mom "Oh, that's my bed. But where should I go?"

Me " Well this time of day most people are in their own apartments.  You should probably stay in your apartment now. Usually u watch some TV or start getting ready for bed this time in the evening."

Mom "where do I go to go to bed"

Me "Well you are in your apartment. You should sleep in your bed. It's there right next to you"

Mom "I guess that makes sense. I'm going to get ready for bed now. Bye"

Me " Bye mom. Have a good night sleep"

Mom's cognitive functions in the last 2 weeks have fallen off a cliff. She has been checked for UTI.

Rockym

Your conversation is both sweet and heart breaking at the same time.  I had many of these conversations with my mom and they went exactly the same way.  Your mom just wants to hear your voice and know she is safe.  Maybe you can call her each night before bed to say goodnight.

My mom knew no matter how many times I would come to visit and pop in here and there, I would always be there to take her out for lunch on a Friday.  She loved sushi and so that was one of our things.  Even when her memory was barely 5 minutes of retention... she remembered it was Friday and I was coming to take her out.