Mom has dementia and lives with me and my Wife

mrcee4

Hello. My mother lives at my house. She has decided that she only wants to speak to me and not my wife. This started in October 2020. She feels like my wife is trying to harm and will not speak with her unless she decides to be aggressive and basically curse her out when I am not home. It is stressing my out because she takes it personally and believes my mother doesn't like her so she basically stays clear in which I can truly understand why she leaves my mom alone because she doesn't want to be blamed for anything. I have had discussions with my sister who live in NC about seriously looking into an assisted living facility but I believe my sister is in some form of denial and does not see everything going on from aggression to misplacing things blaming others for stealing her things to memory lapses. I know assisted living can be expensive but I feel like I need a little peace of mind for myself and everyone involved.  Any thoughts or perspective is definitely welcome.

Thank you

CH

larryeny

mrcee4 wrote:

Hello. My mother lives at my house. She has decided that she only wants to speak to me and not my wife. This started in October 2020. She feels like my wife is trying to harm and will not speak with her unless she decides to be aggressive and basically curse her out when I am not home. It is stressing my out because she takes it personally and believes my mother doesn't like her so she basically stays clear in which I can truly understand why she leaves my mom alone because she doesn't want to be blamed for anything. I have had discussions with my sister who live in NC about seriously looking into an assisted living facility but I believe my sister is in some form of denial and does not see everything going on from aggression to misplacing things blaming others for stealing her things to memory lapses. I know assisted living can be expensive but I feel like I need a little peace of mind for myself and everyone involved.  Any thoughts or perspective is definitely welcome.

Thank you

CH

I am having some of the same challenges with my Mom who is living with me and I am single. She yells at and curses the home health care aide I have coming whenever I am not around for more than 15 minutes. Assisted Living may not take someone with dementia and it may require Memory Care. That ... is much too pricey for us. Around here, $10K-$15K/month. It's a very difficult situation. I don't have any wisdom.

Quilting brings calm

Since you posted, you are either venting or actually seeking advice or permission. I’m going to be very blunt here. You can scroll past me if you prefer. 

You refer to the house as ‘my’ home. It’s not- it is your wife’s home too.  Even if her name  isn’t on the deed or mortgage. Your wife deserves to have peace in her own home.  Do you love your wife and want to stay married?   Then your Mom needs to be moved to assisted living or your sister needs to come get  her.  

If your Mom only speaks  to your wife when you are not home, and then only aggressively or behaves aggressively, then the next thing you know... your Mom could falsely accuse your wife and cause all kinds of legal trouble for her. 

Edited to add: 

FYI / I am a wife.  It’s my Mom that has dementia, but I had a mother in law that was unpleasant to deal with, a drama queen, and had no filter.  Neither of her two sons wanted her in their homes partially  due to how she treated her daughter in laws.

terei

I agree wholeheartedly with Quilting.  Caring for a LO at home is fine as long as it is not to the detriment of everyone else in the family.  

I am always surprised when people are willing to have multiple people in the household suffer to keep one family member in the home.    Whether the behavior is caused by disease matters not in the least when your life is made unbearable by a family member.

If your sister does not want to agree to AL or MC, she can take over caregiving herself.  Otherwise, look for a facility that will care for your mother.

LicketyGlitz

mrcee, I think you've received excellent advice depending on how you answer this question:

Is it you and your wife/family's desire to keep your mother at home for now?

If it is then you, your wife, and everyone else who wishes to continue her living in your home should start researching some online dementia courses (many states offer them for free i.e. https://oregoncarepartners.com/ ), check out some Teepa Snow videos for super helpful strategies in dealing with dementia, have a medication check with your mom's doctor (or better yet a geriatric psych doctor) for additional assistance with her current behaviors.

That's kind of like a starter-kit of actions if this is the desire of those in and outside of your household.

However, if it's not, than yeah, send your Mom to visit your sister for a week and start researching MCs. After the week is over your sister will prolly not have one word of protest!

dayn2nite2

If you like your marriage, your mother needs to leave your home ASAP.

Tell your sister that you can no longer keep her and she has 30 days to come and get your mother if she doesn’t want her in a facility.  Otherwise, you will need to place her.

abc123

I agree with the others. 

Also, if your sister has not spent a full week with your Mom in the last 6 months you should not take any advice from her when it comes to your Mom. Dementia is constantly one challenge after the other. People who have not spent sufficient time with a dementia person truly has no idea of what it’s like. I wish you the best of luck.

RanchersWife

I’m a wife. We care for my MIL. It’s hard. I do it because I love my husband. If there is ever a point where I can’t do this anymore I’ll tell my husband. I expect him to listen to me. You need your wife 150% onboard or you’re marriage will suffer. You and your wife need a long, face to face talk. You need her commitment. She needs your promise that you will listen to her when/if she says she can’t do it anymore. You need a plan. 

These last three years have been the hardest of my life. My marriage is stronger than ever.

The sibling doing the care gets to make the decisions and keep the assets from the estate when it’s all over. That’s my rule.