I just want to go home

MPTosa

My mom, 76 has Alzheimer’s and possibly vascular dementia. She was diagnosed in 2015. She was in a memory care facility from 2016-July 2020. We moved her home because of the COVID lockdown. 

While at the facility and at home, she constantly asked me to take her home and gets agitated when I can’t/don’t. She then threatens suicide. She’s threatened suicide most of my life, so while stressful and frightening, I don’t think she’ll actually do it.

We moved her to another MC facility this week. They asked me to stay away for 3 weeks because I definitely agitate her. I’m the POA and generally the only person who takes action in our family. 

MC just called me and asked me to talk to her because she’s so upset and wants to go home.

I understand that the “home” she wants to go to is where she could function, but I’m out of ideas of what to say to her. Nothing I’ve said satisfies her. 

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

terei

You + the staff should tell her whatever she will accept up to + including that her house had a Plumbing failure or a fire and/or the  dr says she has to stay until her ‘tests’ are normal again. Repeat repeat repeat. You can also tell her that as soon as the work at the house is finished, you will get her.  You can also say your car is not running.

If she is threatening suicide, transport to the ER + then on to a geriatric psych ward for evaluation + meds sounds drastic, but it is not.  They will keep her until meds can be adjusted + calm her behaviors.  

BTW a competent MC should not have to call YOU to calm her down.  They should have the training to be able  to calm + distract dementia patients + if she is so out of control that they cannot, psych evaluation is called for.  

MPTosa

Thank you for your suggestions. We are currently short a car, so that one might work.

Geri psych won’t see her because she’s in memory care. I’ve been down that path before. Court case in WI determined dementia patients can’t be forced into psych care. She refuses all meds and refuses any more testing. This isn’t the best memory care facility, but after $400,000 spent on the last one, we really can no longer afford the best. 

Sorry - venting and frustrated. I’ll try the house/car problem.

LicketyGlitz

I know wanting to go "home" can happen anywhere, MPT, even in the home a dementia person has lived in for decades. So I'm def on board with terei's suggestion of start using fiblets to redirect.

The only other thing I would either take on myself, or insist with the MC is that if she is refusing meds then crush them and get them in her food/drink without her knowledge. Medications can help with this level of anxiety but not if they aren't giving them to her. I had the same problem with my mom in MC, and I lived close enough to show up and give her the meds in sneaky ways myself.

Ultimately we brought Mom home as it became more work/stress for us when she was in MC! But that is not a lot of people's idea of a solution. Just wanted to let you know it worked better for us, and we spent her monthly rent at the MC on hiring p/t care for her at home.

MPTosa

I am going to push this memory care facility to crush meds without her knowing. Last one said I’d have to get a court order, even though I’m the activated POA. Another part of this difficult court case in WI. I’m sort of hoping this one is just not aware. 

We tried in home care, but she frightened them and they locked themselves in the bathroom. She was aggressive with anyone who came in the house, including the furnace repair people!

I’m such a Debbie downer! Thank you for your suggestions.

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abc123

I’m thankful I don’t live in WI. A PWD usually needs to be forced to go to a unit. It’s best for them. Im very sorry you are having to deal with this.

Arrowhead

My wife has been going through this for over a year and a half. There have been many times when nothing I say can satisfy her. All you can do is to keep trying