care placement

glitterqueenscare

Hi all - this week I completed the paperwork to put my Mom on the waiting list for the local facility I have selected for her care.  My Mom is in mid stage 6. Placement weighs so heavily on me, this is very tough.   I know so many of you can relate to what I am am experiencing.

I am wondering if anyone can give any guidance with a LO who is emotionally dependent on their caregiver, in this case me.  It has become increasingly hard for me to even leave the room without her really becoming agitated to not have me within sight.  I feel like she is tethered to me, it's physically and mentally exhausting, but I feel so responsible and worry so much that she is just going to completely fall emotionally apart when she is admitted and I leave her in the care home. Will this cause her to progress more?  Does it matter at this stage?  She is extremely weepy anytime I leave her lately. It's even hard for me to use the restroom without her pacing outside the door waiting for me to come out.  She is extremely attached to me and as the disease has progressed that has become much worse although she has been dependent upon me since my Dad got sick years ago.  Anyone else experience this?  Is there any way to prepare her better?

Also, we live in Michigan and because of the current covid status this particular care facility continues to mandate residents wear masks at all times and have limited activities.  Is this what you are experiencing in other states still?  I am hopeful this will be relaxed if Michigan's infection rates improve so wondered how it is elsewhere.

The facility has said the waiting list could be anywhere from 6 months to two years.  I am going to follow up with them to see if there is a way they can keep me more informed of her status on the list as things progress.  I mostly wanted to put her on a list because she has all the signs of becoming fully incontinent and that is when I believe her care needs will outpace what we can provide for her in the home which prompted me to put her on the waiting list. 

I am struggling with this decision, my head knows its logically time but my heart feels like I am letting my Mom down when she needs me the most.  I know she is progressing, her  neurologist even warned us her progression is fast at the last visit but I don't want to do anything to cause her even more suffering and it feels very much like that is what this will do to her emotionally. I think she will completely fall apart.

Thanks in advance for any advice you can share 

John2.0.1

I can't give a lot of advice on your feelings about finally finding a place for your mom. Your mind knows you are doing the right thing. Your heart needs time to catch up.

In Massachusetts were we are my mom moved to her current facility March 2020 just as things closed with a crash. But the facility knew that my mom needed my support so I was still able to visit. They have gone through cycles of opening up and closing tight as they got positive tests in. So far as I know no one has died in this facility and now all residents and staff are vaccinated. Vaccination is mandatory for staff and I don't believe that any resident declined.

But there were times a year ago when no resident was allowed out of their room. That was killer for these old people. But memory care was a bit looser than traditional assisted living because many residents didn't have the mental capacity to resist wandering. All meals were in their rooms. There were no activities.

Now residents are free to do what they want and activities have resumed. The only limit is that they still don't allow more than 2 people at one dining room table.

They have been going back and forth about visits in room vs visits in designated visitation areas depending on whether they had any cases

Visitors that pass screening (which is kinda pointless because some 30-40% of cases are asymptonatic) are allowed in and can visit in the residents rooms (with masks). I'll be getting my 2nd Pfizer next week so in almost 3 weeks I'll be considered fully vaccinated. I'm not sure if they plan to allow me to go maskless in my mom's room then. But it's a small thing. The main thing is to be able to have a leisurely visit in the room.