Help... rapidly deteriorating dementia parent

Wadeo

Hi all, I’m very new to this. My mother, 76 was just recently diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia. I have noticed some memory issues for a year or two, but chalked it up to being stressed or pre occupied. We now have a true diagnosis. The progression has become very rapid in the past 4 months. Since I am her only caregiver at the time, other than our great neighbors, I am losing my mind. She is now becoming obsessed with certain things, especially finances. I’m getting calls at random times. Checking in on me and my dog. Earlier in the days, she is 100% coherent, after a while she has lost track of all . Rote learned things are no problem. I’m having a really hard time trying to figure out when I finally have to “ put my foot down “ and pull the power of attorney stuff. I truly don’t know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Wade.

May flowers

Welcome and sorry you are going through this as well.

My FIL was dx with dementia in 2015 and finances were the first thing we had to take over for him. My MIL took over that first, but was dx with cancer we took over for her. He was able to live alone for a few years after she died in 2017, but our involvement increased over time. I set up most to be paid online. Every month I printed out what bills had been paid and his bank statement for him to reassure him that it was being handled. Don’t be surprised when you take over finances that things are a real mess. My FIL kept every bill/statement for 40 years (he was meticulous and organized all his life) but the older stuff was mixed with the new stuff and we found bills in suitcases, briefcases, drawers, filing cabinets, kitchen cupboards, it took a few months to sort it all out.

It took a while for him to let go of it and trust us. He also fretted over mail to the point that we just had all his mail/bills switched to paperless or mailed to us. The out of sight / out of mind worked best. If he saw a bill and knew it had to be paid he got agitated but never seeing the bill was much easier for him.

The next to go was meds, first he managed it himself and then we filled his pill box, now physically hand him his pills twice a day. After that it was meals, first we got him easy to fix meals, then we provided meals he could heat up, but eventually he quit doing that. About the same time he stopped  eating well, he also stopped cleaning his house, doing laundry and slept most of the day. We too got calls constantly, and many times we had to drop everything and head over.

We had him stay with us 3 days a week after my MIL died - it allowed him to be at home “some” but gave him interaction and supervision. The days he wasn’t here, we visited his house once a day. Gradually, we added days until he moved in full time last year. He was still resistant to moving but was familiar enough with our house that he wasn’t completely disoriented. 

Anyway, the progression from inability to handle finances to needing full time care was a few years, but the inability to remember take meds to needing full time supervision was only a few months. I’m sure everyone’s experience is different.

M1

Welcome Wade, there are lots of threads from those in similar situations. Read a lot, and look at the solutions section also. Find Teepa Snows website and videos. One of the early things to do is be sure to have legal matters handled including durable power of attorney and healthcare power of attorney.  If you anticipate eventual need for Medicaid qualification to finance long-term care, start now with an elder care attorney. Good luck, lots of good folks and information here.

towhee

Welcome Wadeo- Being anxious about finances is one thing, not paying important bills or making bad financial decisions is another. I'm not sure putting your foot down is the answer, but then I don't know your mom. You could try getting your foot in the door, maybe ask if you can organize her financials, set up an online account for her with your name on it, etc. Members have come up with different solutions to this problem. 

You do need to make sure all the banks and organizations will accept your current DPOA. Some want their own form, and you have to do that before your mom loses the capability to legally sign. Make sure all documents are updated and compliant with current law. Do you have a HCPOA?

Suzy23

Hi Wade, I am only somewhat farther down the path than you are, and the whole question of when to "put your foot down" and exercise power of attorney or step in and take over is something that has caused me many hours of fretting and grief with my LO. I'm no expert and still struggle with it, but I haven't yet regretted any of the steps that I have taken -- in fact, I only wish I had taken them earlier. 

I would say ask yourself is whatever issue dangerous to her or others. Are there dangers in letting her drive, manage her own bills, live by herself, cook her own meals, take (or forget) her meds, whatever it is. 

If the answer is yes (and some are surely yes), then put your foot down. Take over. Take action of some kind to remedy the danger. Don't ask her permission. Don't expect her to like it. But do it. You won't regret it.

There are going to be many other things that are not dangerous, but will be aggravating as all get out. With those, my advice is figure out what will keep the situation as calm as possible. Simplify. Figure out what you can tolerate and what you just can't. Example: at one point, my dad was turning the TV on and off every 15 seconds and wanted to keep doing it indefinitely. Not dangerous, but crazy-making. On the other hand, if he wants to spend four hours straightening pine needles in the yard on his hands and knees, it's OK with me. It bothered me at first, but no more.  As long as he's not wandering off or could get hurt, I'm OK with it.

King Boo

A lifetime of savings and investment can be gone with one visit to the bank, or one click of the mouse, or one phone call from a scam artist.

The only situation you approach where you 'put your foot down' is with yourself.  Certainly not your mother.   If an adult child gets lost in the 'guilties' of taking over, the purpose of appointing a POA is thwarted and your loved one with dementia at risk from your indecision or failure to act.

So, it's very important you get a handle on the reality of things.  Obsessive behavior, fixations and irrational behavior are signs that reasoning and cognition are seriously impaired.  It is therefore, time to begin action.

It never takes the form of 'The Talk" or  chastising Mom.  It becomes about saying what will work, of gradually taking the reins for her safety and future care.

I suggest going to her bank and signing their own forms with Mom.    Spin it to Mom however it works best to get her to agree - "This gives me permission to  make sure your money stays safe!"  "Free sevice"  or similar.  You can get a DPOA put on an account, but it can be a tedious and long process while it is vetted and lost 3 x by their legal department.

Get online access to all of Mom's financials - go to online delivery of statements.  For a mid stage PWD, often if the documents are removed, it can help a lot.  Out of sight, out of mind, at least partially.

Get a credit freeze for your Mom with all 3 credit reporting agencies to guard against identity theft, loans, fraud.  They are very, very, vulnerable mid stage.  

Do the representative payee for SS; do financial planning with a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA)  www.nelf.org.  

wyoming daughter

Hi Wado - i believe it's time for you to step in for all the reasons already given.  I have learned  that there becomes a sort of a dance between you and your loved one, and your loved one will lead.  You will follow with how you communicate with your LO in order to care for them without agitating.  You need to acquire her complete trust, treat her with respect always, make suggestions not demands, sometimes tell little lies,  distract when things start to become intense and always keep in mind her safety and peace of mind.  It will get easier, just keep your eyes  and ears open, and stay on these boards, I can't tell you how helpful they have been.

wyoming daughter

Wadeo - i'm so sorry for misspelling your name!!  My apologies.