Helping with the grieving process

HeatherC44

My FIL just died and my MIL has Alzheimer’s. Most of the time she doesn’t remember he died.  Should we tell her every time she ask where he is that he died? Every time we do it is like the first time. This is so very hard!! Please help!!

towhee

No Heather, if she can't remember he died, don't keep telling her. Tell her he is someplace that she remembers him going, where she will not be anxious about him. Like he is on a fishing trip with the guys, he'll be home tomorrow, or he is at choir practice, he'll be home later. Then deflect, distract, get her involved in an activity to occupy her mind.

The difficult stage is where sometimes she remembers and sometimes not, when she might suddenly remember he died and but you are telling her he's not dead. You have to pay attention to where her mind is and go with the flow. If there is anything around that might remind her of the funeral remove it.

Welcome

towhee

Sorry Heather, I need to edit that answer. If your MIL is sometimes remembering and sometimes not, you don't want to tell her her husband is dead, but neither do you want to say he is alive. You can reframe the question, say something like I don't know we'll ask so and so later or Its Tuesday, choir practice is Tuesday, I still remember "choir practice funny story" then distract to another activity. It might take several tries to find something that works. You'll get better replies in the morning, and you can also call the Alzheimers helpline at 1-800-272-3900, 24/7. There is always someone there.

M1

Hi heather, my partner is now stage 5 and lost a close sister in December. She remembers the death, but cannot process the cause (asks every day) and does not seem able to process the grief. Antidepressants have helped a little bit, at least to keep her from slipping into worse depression. If your MIL can't remember the death itself, she's probably further along than this and I would agree with not reminding her.  Good luck, this is not easy.