MIL is due back...I want to run away

Ginsamae

MIL will return to us by the end of the week. Sib #3 is traveling with her and I'm curious as to what the conversation will be. The last time MIL spent any significant time with Sib#3 was more than 3 years ago when MIL's memory loss was not nearly as significant as now - and that visit back then didn't end well. To complicate matters, since MIL has been visiting with Sib#3 our youngest daughter has moved back in (and is pregnant) and has brought with her 3 cats.

Those who've read my previous posts know that our youngest moved out in mid-2020 and in with her older sister in a town about an hour from us. The youngest was going to go to college there so it made sense to move her early - the reason for the early move was due to MIL falsely accusing our daughter of stealing from her and otherwise telling untruths about her. I'm fearful that the same thing will happen this time and now our daughter has nowhere to go. I've told DH that our first loyalty is to our daughter and he agrees. DH is going to talk to Sib#3 and let them know that we are going to back out as MIL's primary caregivers due to our need to help our daughter, but that we will be willing to 'host' MIL for a couple months each year until she needs to go to a facility. DH will also notify his other 4 sibs of the same thing.

I fear that none of the Sibs will step up and take over. If that happens I don't know what we will do - MIL doesn't have the ability to live alone anymore, nor does she have the $$ to go to a care facility (and she won't willingly go to one anyway). So, I might just have to end up running away.

dayn2nite2

Is your husband at least going to have this conversation BEFORE she’s dumped on you again?

If not, why not?

This circus stops when you say it does.  Tell your husband if he doesn’t handle this he needs to find another place to live too.

LicketyGlitz

Good grief, Ginsamae! It's as if all of your family has decided to become as problematic as possible and look to you to fix it!

You got a lot going on, lady.

But... it sounds like you and your DH have a good plan if the sibs do step up. And if they don't, I can't remember if you guys had consulted an elder law attorney yet or not? It sounds like MIL's finances may make her eligible for Medicaid which will pay for MCs but not every MC will take medicaid folks, or they have limited amount of rooms dedicated to medicaid residents so it takes a little longer to place them.

I'm not sure of the exact details, but if your husband and his sibs haven't yet explored that as an option to afford housing for your MIL this may be the time for them to get started.

Oh the upside, gratz on a new baby coming into your lives! And the three cats - which kinda win out over the baby in my world.

JJ401

(Assuming you are in the US) It’s time to visit an elder care lawyer if you have not. It’s time to visit memory cares near you and get MIL on waiting lists. It’s time for DH to tell his sisters that either Mom gets placed or one of them becomes the primary caretaker.

DH can tell the sisters that as the dementia worsens, it will be better for Mom to be in one place rather than moving between them. One place with a routine and activities suited to her level of function. 

star26

If I recall Ginasamae’s situation correctly, MIL has repeatedly refused to sign a POA and is not progressed enough for her MD to state she can’t handle her own affairs or possibly to even give a firm diagnosis? I would have a hard time not feeling resentful towards the MIL for this situation that she created. 

abc123

OMGosh! Your daughter definitely needs to come first! Has any of the siblings checked into Medicaid for MIL? Has anyone seen an elder care attorney? I remember your other post well. After everything your family has been through because of MIL and her selfish stubborn behavior, she would not be coming back to my house. Good luck to you!

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M1

Agree with Victoria, why are they even planning to travel?  Say no now G. Use Covid as an excuse if you need to.

Ginsamae

MIL will be here tomorrow. Sib#3 flew with her to visit another Sib & then they are driving the rest of the way. Sib#3 will fly back home after a few days visit with us. 

I do feel resentment toward MIL for not planning ahead and, while she says she doesn't want to be a burden to her children, she is still refusing to sign anything and has adamantly stated that she will not go to a 'home.' She doesn't have a formal diagnosis yet but she's too far along the dementia path to hide it any longer. DH does not want to pursue gardianship as he doesn't want to be put in any sort of legal obligation to take care of her...and I'm sure the other Sibs feel the same way. So...if no other sibling steps up (and I'm not holding my breath on that one!) our only recourse will be to either put MIL back in to an apartment on her own (which we don't want to do), keep her with us (which will effectively end our marriage because I won't put up with it), or somehow get the state involved (and I'm not sure how to do that unless something happens to MIL and she goes to the hospital).

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Cynbar

Would all the siblings together --- or even just you and your husband, if it came to that ---- be willing to hire a geriatric case manager to help sort this out?  This person is generally a trained social worker with a lot of background working with the elderly, could explain the options and try to get the whole family to agree on a plan. Many areas have these, a Google search or a call to your doctor's office or the local Council on Aging could give you leads. If that won't work, a call to Adult Protective Services might be helpful, your MIL sounds like she is at risk of being put in an unsafe situation (her own apartment) if no other plan is made.

Ginsamae

Hi Cynbar - I hadn't thought of APS. I need to contact our local dept of social services anyway to start sorting out our upcoming grandchild's insurance needs so I could probably talk to them about MIL's situation as well. Thanks for the suggestion!

Quilting brings calm

Is your daughter under 26 and still on your insurance policy?  If so, it may be possible that your grandchild can also be covered under that insurance policy.  Or her boyfriends ( or his parents’ policy  if boyfriend is still on theirs).  Worth checking into. 

Your daughter might qualify for certain health and food benefits while pregnant and during the child’s first few months of life even if she’s living with you.  

Regarding your MIL.  My suggestion is that ALL the siblings converge on her together and tell her this:  she can either agree to go into a living situation and help pick out the facility or she can become a ward of the state and the state picks  out the facility. Which will be whatever is cheapest regardless of city, distance from you, amenities etc.  tell her the state will then make all the decisions regarding her life.  There will be no traveling to siblings homes, etc.