How did you approach the move to MC with your LO?

May flowers

For those who moved your LO in a MC, when did you tell them and what did you say to get them there.

One thing I’ve gotten from reading past threads is don’t approach it too early as it could mean days of being anxious. Hubby and I are concerned that he will be up all night if we tell him the night before so maybe the morning of.

 I’ve heard horror stories of trying to reason over it or sell it like it’s a resort.

So, we are thinking of telling him that morning and we are thinking of saying the doctor wants him to go there to help with of some his health problems and not much detail other than that. 

I don’t think we will say  the place is memory care or assisted living. I don’t think we will say the word “move” either. 

If he asks how long, I think we will say it’s up to the doctor. 

I do think we will be clear it’s not a nursing home, and he will have his own apartment and can come and go freely around the facility. They have caregivers who will help him get settled, go to meals and find everything. Plus we are just a few miles down the road.

I don’t want to say much more than that. He knows he has memory issues but hasn’t really accepted that he has dementia (based on past conversations) so approaching it from that angle could be setting him up to be defensive. 

How did you all handle this?

King Boo

Will he refuse to get in the car or go if you tell him that morning?

Many a person has reported they went out to the store, or for a ride, and then stopped by for an 'appointment your doctor arranged', go in, all have lunch together (or mabye not), and then you get up and say "Dad, I'll be back tomorrow to have lunch".  and quickly exited.  Or exited without saying that, and leaving staff to deal and redirect.

It depends on whether telling is going to create a problem in getting him admitted.

Important - be calm, be tear free, delegate to someone if you have to.

We were from a rehab stint so the social worker gave me some guidance.

"The weather is still bad and very icy so I'm moving you near me to get stronger.  It'll be great, the kids and I will visit alot"

Despite the knot in my stomache, it went pretty seamlessly.

Hard to answer this for you for sure cause everyone is different.

Just get him in the door before saying anything that could de reail your process.

May flowers

Maybe we could take him there for lunch and explain it over lunch? But use the explanation that I mentioned that his doctor wants him there?

French

Could you have somebody else (doctor, psychologist...) explain him. 

Last appointment with the neurologist, she explained my partner that the time when I won’t anymore be able to care for him could come in less than 1 year. For the respite stay, I had the psychologist of an association come and discuss with him, so that he agreed to go. They are specialists. They know how to do that.

May flowers

That is a good idea. He usually believes us when we tell him the doctor says so. We met with the intake director and nurse today (they came by to assess him), and they told me that they can even sign him for PT (just for strength training) and will drive the point home that he is there to get stronger and healthier. She said whatever we do, don’t take away hope that he may be able to come home. She said they usually quit asking over time. 

One thing the nurse said that really encouraged me, almost everyone there is functioning as well as he is. Only one requires assistance eating and one resident with Parkinson’s just got moved to a wheelchair. The rest are able to do daily tasks with just directing/reminding. She said it’s the only MC she has ever worked that had so many highly functioning residents. They have none that are incontinent yet. It is reassuring to me that he will not be the highest (or lowest) functioning resident there. 

It may be because it just opened last year, and they are about half full but with covid waning in our area (and vaccines) they are getting a lot of new applications now. DH said probably a lot of people getting placed at the same stage so in a few years it will probably look a lot different.

John2.0.1

I guess your situation is different from mine. When my dad died it was crystal clear that since my mom was bound to a wheelchair and she had no idea how to do the bills and my dad was doing all the cooking that she needed assisted living. No argument.

She was in assisted living for a year before she moved downstairs for memory care. We never called it memory care. We just said no elevator to deal with, extra help, etc...

She moved because of those reasons. No mention of memory care.

Can you just call it assisted living? Some people go to assisted living just because everything is easier. My Aunt went to assisted living when she gave up her drivers license. Some people go to assisted living because it's like living in a hotel but a lot cheaper than living in a hotel. Can you approach it that way?

You could even call it just a seniors community. Or is he still aware enough to see though it?

ADH77

I didn't tell my mom in advance that she was moving to memory care. She had been very resistant in the months up to her move to leaving her house to go to assisted living, which I had been pursuing at that time, not realizing yet that she couldn't even live in assisted living anymore, since she had declined so much.

The day of the move, my husband and I took my mom out to lunch while a moving company that specializes in senior moves packed up the things we have previously discussed moving to the memory care community. Then we took my mom there to her room--already set up with her own things. I explained to her very gently that she needed to stay there for awhile since I was very concerned about her and there were people there that could take good care of her. And I told her how much I loved her. To my great surprise, she accepted this, and said she was grateful for my love and care.

And within a few days, it was all her idea. She told me she was staying in this place for just a few days--for months it was "just a few days"--and would be going home soon. She basically considered it some sort of retreat center. She told me that a lot of the other visitors were artists (like her). Eventually, she talked about how she had been at home (even though she hadn't) like she was going back and forth between home and her retreat place.

Never once though was she upset about the "move" since, in her mind, she hadn't moved and still lived at home. Never once did she refer to it as "memory care" either--she has never realized where she lives. That was really eye-opening to me the extent to which dementia robs someone of their ability to see reality. To anyone else, she had moved to a memory care center, but not to her. I was grateful the whole thing went so well, since it was A LOT of work to pull off. 

And the move has been so great for many reasons. She's done really well there, all things considered. 

May flowers

John, that is how it went moving him from his house to ours. He was visiting and already had a room set up here so we just asked us to let him help take care of him full time. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about meals, meds, cleaning, etc. That went off without a hitch because he was already familiar with us and our home. He loves our dogs and that was a big draw for him too I think he was tired and depressed being on his own anyway. But this move is different because it’s not family and it’s unfamiliar. He may wonder why we can’t take care of him. 

 ADH, thanks for sharing how your mom's move went. What a blessing that she was so accepting of it all. 

John2.0.1

Deeply ingrained into my mom's very being is that she doesn't want to be a burden to others. She never wanted to come live with us because she knew she'd be a huge burden. We'd need to remodel the entire house or get a new one to even make that even a possibility due to her Parkinson's and confinement to a wheelchair.

I'm not suggesting just coming out and saying "You're a burden" but is there any play along those lines? It was huge for my mom.

Sort of as an aside, my mom's desire not to be a burden is her own worst enemy. She won't use her call button to ask for help when she really needs to. I keep telling her that she is paying rent for that help and the aids jobs depend on people asking for help. She's giving people a job. But nothing seems to work.

Dave Cahail

My LO (mother) was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia after going through a second right hip replacement. Once we understood more about the disease, it was obvious that she started her dementia journey well before breaking her hip in 2015. 

Once she was diagnosed and would not be released unless she had 24x7 care, my siblings and I decided that she couldn't go home to her house on an island with limited services. I previously made it possible twice for her to go home but she failed both times - primarily physically but also mentally. 

We decided that it was time for her to be closer to her children at this point. I engaged a senior care service to search facilities. We looked at an assisted living/memory care facility as well as a senior assisted living facility. Both had their pros and cons. 

I got my mother to visit the assisted living memory care facility but I couldn't get her to visit the senior assisted living facility.  So based upon input received from the rehab doctor, my siblings and I decided to put Mom in the assisted living memory care facility. We told Mom that she needed to go to this facility as it would be a transition to potentially go home and that she didn't need to the skilled nursing care that the rehab center was providing her. 

We got her moved in to the assisted living memory care facility and she still talks three years later abiout going home. She just recently moved into another level of care as her short memory is shot and her mobility continues to decline. She is still trying to retain some control over her situation and her environment but unfortunately the pandemic has not helped. We used to take her out to lunch and drives but haven't been able to do much of that this past year. She also thinks she can go home and take care of herself but no one believes that, especially after talking with her. 

We continue to do what we can to try to make her happy but realize it is not our responsibility to ensure her happiness. She is safe and comfortable and we (siblings and facility staff members) do our best to try to appease her but it isn't always possible. 

I think all of us as caregivers need to keep the big picture in mind, that our LO are declining and need more care, that they aren't going to get better and that we have to take care of ourselves too in order to do what we can. We also need to appreciate the moments of happiness and connection versus when they lash out due to fear and anxiety. 

I really appreciate this forum as well as the monthly caregiver group meetings that I attend and share our achievements, concerns and frustrations. 

Don't give up reaching out for help, for someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. WE are all in this together and it is not easy.

May flowers

So, after reading all this great advice and reading articles how to approach this move, DH and I came up with a game plan - we were going to take my FIL to the MC and talk to him there about the doctor feeling this was the best place to help him get better, etc...

The move is tomorrow.

Well, DH decided to go a totally different route today  - it could not have been more opposite of all the advice, lol. He sold it like Disneyland, lol. 

Surprisingly, my FIL was very receptive and is almost excited about it. He liked that it is not like a nursing home (this particular MC has a lot of physically active residents, there is even a group that does laps around the outside of the facility with a caregiver). And he liked that he could walk the halls and the courtyard and sit in common areas and chat. 

His only concern is thinking he had to find his way around. He said a few times, “Do they know that I don’t remember things?” And we reassured him that yes that’s what they do - their job is help you find stuff and get you to meals and activities and they will come every time and take you every time. He said, “that’s good”. Almost made me cry.

He was ready to go tonight.

Hope he feels this way in the morning! Fingers crossed.

Edited to add... the director of the facility came to our house today to meet my FIL and give him a covid test. He and my FIL really hit it off and he was glad to hear he ran the facility. 

Marla2127

Gosh, this post gives me a lot of hope.   Thank you.

May flowers

Well, he’s there. He was fine with going today but very nervous after he got there. He’s mostly afraid of getting lost and not finding his bathroom. We told him several times he can ask someone for help but he said he wanted to figure it out on his own. So we will see how it goes.

We sat with him in the common area with the other residents and there were several guys who chatted with him and made him laugh. One guy (his neighbor) is a real hoot. He went in to eat lunch with them at “the guy’s table” and we left at that point.

The nurse has been texting me and updating me on how he’s adjusting. So far so good. 

It’s hard, but all things considering it went better than I expected. 

ladyzetta

Dear May,

I am glad that went as well as it did for your FIL. A lot of times we think of all the negative things that could go wrong and we are so surprised when it goes well.

I placed my DH in MC I think he was higher maintenance then your FIL is.  It was hard on him because all he wanted to do was come home. It sounds like your FIL will adjust nicely. 

My DH was in MC for 2.5 years and he never knew where is room was and this was a very small facility it only had 10 rooms a hall leading to 4 of the rooms and the other hall leading to the other 6 rooms and the common area and the dinning area. 

Try not to worry because you did do the right thing and your  FIL will adjust. It sounds like he likes people and will join in with others, mine was just the opposite. 

Hugs Zetta 

May flowers

Thank you, Zetta,

I’m sure finding his room will be interesting... he may never get it. It’s at the end of the hall! I put a big rooster name plaque on his door - because it has to do with one of his favorite stories so maybe it will help.

He is actually a quiet man, but he likes people. He tends to just be on the sidelines and enjoys the conversation. I wonder if he will fit in. Before we left he said, “I don’t know if I will remember all their names”, I said “that’s ok, they may not remember yours either - y’all just keep asking each other”. 

I’m sorry it was hard with your DH. My FIL hasn’t really felt at home anywhere after his wife died a few years ago. Having people his age to talk to might help.

MN Chickadee

It sounds like the first day was pretty ideal. I hope that continues. Folks at my mom's MC have definitely formed friendships and tight bonds and I don't think any of them ever know each others names. They recognize faces and learn to just not care they don't call each other anything. One lady who was close with my mom called her the wrong name for their many months together and I swear my mom learned to answer to the new name. They were super funny together.  The fact that there are some other guys to chat with is awesome.

May flowers

It is great to hear your mom formed friendships like she did. My FIL is one of three men that moved in the past week - the guy who has been there the longest has Parkinson’s and the nurse said is so glad to have other guys to talk to. The conversations were so funny, they talked about what kind of cars they had and my FIL said he had a truck and the other guy said he may have worked on his truck. Then they got into talking about was Ford better than Chevy, etc. a little later one of them said they were going to dance a jig on the patio if the sun comes out today and then they decided they would have a dance competition. That group could be a lot of fun

May flowers

So, hubby had his first phone call with his dad since moving to MC a few days ago. He did not seem to have any opinion, positive or negative over the MC. His biggest concern was that he managed to turn up the volume too loud on the music player (note-to-self: being duct tape to put on the volume button). I was glad he remembered how to turn it on, though!

They had a lot of fun activities that day including a walk outside and Cinco de Mayo party in which the director played guitar and sang. The nurse sent me a video  and he was laughing and talking so it looks like he was enjoying it. He also had coffee and breakfast with his neighbor. 

But he didn’t remember anything that happened that day, or what he ate, except that he was annoyed that the walk was SO slow. We told him that not everyone was as in good a shape as him and he agreed. DH and I decided to take a few days a week and take him on a “brisk” walk outside. 

So, if they can’t remember their days, what other things do you suggest talking about when you call? 

I don’t want to be a helicopter LO, but we have some thoughts that might help the caregivers with him. One is, he would love to go to the courtyard and walk around, but won’t remember where it is and how to get there. They have scheduled times they go out so maybe he will just eventually realize it’s there? Or should I suggest they remind him it’s there.

The other thing is that is in his care plan is he needs to drink plenty of water (kidney issues), should I remind them of that or just let go and trust them?

Finally, I noticed he was wearing the same clothes he did when we took him. He would always wear the same clothes unless we laid out new clothes for him the night before and put his dirty clothes in the hamper, because of his eyesight and I’m sure he doesn’t know where his clothes are. That was written up in his care plan, but the nurse said he was dressed by the time she came to get him up that morning. Do I say anything or just let them handle it? I know he will get fresh clothes when he showers.

MN Chickadee

If something isn't a safety issue I would let it slide the first couple weeks. The staff are still getting to know him and how he works. They may not want to push him yet on stuff that doesn't matter as much like not wearing yesterday's shirt. That is something you could do when you come if it bothers you but really what difference does it make. They will get ahead of it at some point and the clothes will go to the laundry. If you have reason to believe it's a good place I personally would wait and see. They are likely keenly aware of his care plan. The adjustment is a process and they will learn how to work with him and him with them.  Again, you can also help with encouraging water while you are there if you are worried. But in my experience they keep a close eye on intake of food and fluids. When my LO was in an earlier stage and I would call, I did all the talking. I would talk about my day or the kids or pets. Short and sweet. Making phone conversation is not necessarily something that should come easily for him or needs to be done at great length. The move to MC is a different way of life than at home. Different pace, different priorities, different phase of the disease. You all will get used to it with time. I know it is hard to give up control. When you have cared for someone like we have, it is so foreign and unnerving to have that suddenly disappear. And it's good to advocate for him and push for the best care at MC, just remember the staff is over worked and under paid, and unlike you they have seen this before time and time again. The adjustment process looks different to them than it does to you. Keeping a positive relationship with them is important. I pick and choose what to nit pick about. And I bring goodies to them often. Harder to be irritated with someone bringing you treats!

May flowers

Thank you! What a great idea about bringing treats for the staff! 

The nurse must have read my mind as she just emailed me his care plan. It had everything we talked about in pre-assessment down to the last detail so I’m not going to mention anything. 

I definitely don’t want to nit pick! And you are right - they have 3 new residents this week - that’s a lot of learning. Fortunately, this facility is only half full so then caregiver ratio is about 1 to 4 for now so hopefully they won’t be too overwhelmed. They said with covid restrictions easing and vaccines, they are getting a lot of new applications so it’s going to get crazy for them soon I think