Son looking to support caregiving mother

tshorey

Hi - first thank your time in reading through this.  I am sure that some of you have heard all of this before. My mother is caring for my dad. They are 4 hours away from me in Palm Beach County. My dad is still largely independent, but as things progress, things will get more difficult for my mother.  I would like to hire someone to help out at the house a couple of days a week to give my mom a break. My dad is in denial about the two diagnoses he had (he is a retired anesthetist).

I think it is important to establish a relationship now with someone to help. At first it will be  non-medical, and mostly to take pressure off of my mother.  I suspect the amount of hours and medical needs will both increase over time.  I have no idea how to look up appropriate caregivers.  I am skeptical of companies that provide such services, but not opposed. I guess I am just calling out into the wilderness, hoping for suggestions. Are there networks of individual care providers?  Google searches tend to have bigger companies drown out individual alternatives.  Any suggestions or input on how to tap into such resources in southeast Florida would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again for your time.

Toby

Mr. Jones

Tshorey, Greetings,
You are smart to be proactive, and your "skepticism"  or "  trepidation" is not unfounded.
The problem is that resources are the luck of the moment. I live in Palm Beach County, and next month will be 7 years... since my Dad passed and have been taking care of Mom as a live in-caregiver  every day since, with no support net.  I do not regret it - however - as things progress. This forum may provide help and answers as the road ahead unwinds.

It may not be realistic to expect that establishing a relationship now will hold over the long term as your needs get more demanding. But going "Eyes Wide Open" into getting your Mom some help may be good assuming that she and your Dad are ok with a stranger in the home. ( I invested in Audio/Video cameras )

 Getting part time help is even more difficult to find and keep a "good" aide as they will eventually find a steady full time gig. (Unless if you  are lucky to find someone that only wants part time.)
 
I did not realize how much my Mom depended on my Dad until he was in the hospital and I was taking her back and forth - realizing she would not be able to manage on her own.
I made a conscious decision that I would not abandon my Mom . First thing I did was force her to get hearing aides (Costco) and I spent about 4 hours at her Dr's office reviewing all meds (after I had reviewed them all and researched/sorted them out myself - I eliminated about 3-5 of them almost over night)

I have been through scores of agencies and HHA/CNA's - Good, Bad Fantastic, and Criminal. You can try Care.com, but it is like a dating site, you might get lucky!

My experience, at this time ( especially due to Covid , and the Pay Check Protection  Stimulus) getting good help via an agency/registry is difficult.
I have never communicated directly with anyone - but you can leave me a message with your eMail or phone# - if you want to know more about my experiences here in Palm Beach.
 
Best to you and yours ...

Lillies

Hello,

You will be my first post. I joined today. You are in a tough spot and I have been there. Finding help is critical and so worrisome. I had to look for my dad and it was awful. I live in Arizona and was not having luck with professional agencies. So, I thought outside of the box. I called the local college nursing program (asked for students who may need a part-time job). I called the senior centers/live-in facilities to see if their care workers worked part-time. There are places that screen people to be babysitters, so I called there; sometimes they also do adult care, but do not have clients at the time. If they have been screened to care for children, then they have already been fingerprinted, etc. I also asked Dr's offices and Adult day care centers for referrals. Then, I asked the local temporary employment office if they had anyone looking for health care work. Maybe these ideas will help you. Good luck and God Bless.

mommyandme (m&m)

I have vetted and found help through care.com. They are my first point of contact.  We used it in AZ and now in CO.

Of course they might get used to someone who may leave but at least they would get used to a schedule and a different person in their home. 

Good luck with your search. Sorry for your troubles. 

PS. said it before and I’ll never stop, cameras are a fabulous tool for us! Couldn’t do this as well without them and they don’t have to be expensive.

Iris L.

tshorey wrote:

 My dad is in denial about the two diagnoses he had (he is a retired anesthetist).

---

Welcome Toby.  Your dad is not in denial, but has anosognosia.  This is different from denial.  It is a characteristic of dementia that causes the PWD to be unaware of having dementia.  If you confront them, they will become upset. You will have to learn work-arounds from the members.  

Iris L.

elhijo

Hello Toby,

I just saw your post. I have some resources that may be able to help you in your search. Not sure if you are still need of assistance. If you see my reply, you can reply to me or do the Invite thing and I can communicate with you in private if you'd like over the site.

Thanks

HSDaughter

I just want to add that nursing or social work students might be required to have volunteer experiences as they work towards their degrees.  I am attaching a link to a local university (in Virginia) which provides such an opportunity.

https://www.jmu.edu/news/2021/11/09-ccn-20th-anniversary.shtml

If link does not work, copy and paste into your browser. 

jfkoc

Having another person come into the home can be great benefit to all. A happy facce and a cheery good morning can change the whole dymanic.

A word of caution. Your approach can make or break this....best if nothing is said about your father needing care or baby sitting. 

Finding someone can take time. I have used Home Instead on two occasions and have nothing but good things to say about them but they are a franchise.

Put the word out to anyone you know in PB and do check with the religious groups in the area. I also suggest checking the obits which often thank caregivers.

As to networks...yes, caregivers seem to know each other. I found that they can help you find someone.

live in daughter

Hi Toby, just some advice from my experience. We took our Mom out of Assisted Living because things were not going well. We decided to care for her at home. We hired an agency to bring in caregivers a few hours a few days a week. We signed a contract and paid for six months of  services. We were required to do this from the agency.

The first caregiver who came in got my Mom very agitated. My Mom started yelling - Get Out- the caregiver called the agency who said leave.

Second caregiver same scenario. Third caregiver same scenario. The agency never tried to coach their caregivers on how to deal with someone who is agitated and wanting them to leave.

We did cancel the agency but they refused to return the money which we had paid for services.

Would look for an agency that charges on the visit not on a long term contract.

Hope this helps.

nickibaker

I am also going through a similar experience with a man I have known for 15 years- After being in the hospital monthly for COPD for 1 1/2 years, rehab twice, and finally home with a part-time aid, his dementia became a bigger issue than his COPD. He is in denial (part of Dementia) and can be difficult. He does not accept that his driver's license was suspended and intends to keep his car on the streets of NYC so he can drive it. He has NO family - no one to help, advocate, etc. Somehow I became the "caregiver" without realizing what that meant. I have to be the COP now, who controls him, according to his Drs. I need to remove the car. Currently, I am so stressed that I am becoming ill. I need help.

nickibaker

nickibaker

M1

Hi nicki, you have posted on an old thread from 2021. You will get more responses if you start a new discussion. I will see if i can repost it for you.

Iris L.

Welcome Nicki. You have posted at the end of a three year old thread. If you start your own thread, you will get pertinent replies to your own situation. Please read about anosognosia, which is not denial, but a lack of awareness of having dementia. You will have to use work-arounds to get things done. One of these work-arounds is the use of the therapeutic fib. The members will explain more. The members here will help you. Post about all of your concerns, be specific. He might need to have a court-appointed guardian, ask about that.

Iris

Edit: M1 posted a new thread for you. Look for your name.