Why do I torture myself with expectations of my DH

LadyTexan

I am a little frazzled this morning. DH is behaving like a toddler, except when he is not.

As I have read it here so many times, I was trying to participate in a Zoom call and DH suddenly  became very needy. 

• Prior to the call, I reminded him that I would be on a 30 minute call at 8am. 
• I had my earbuds in while on the call. 
• At 8:03 DH comes in an tells me he needs a shower. Argh. 
• I remind him that I am on a call and ask if he can wait 27 minutes. He states yes, then goes loudly into the kitchen to make himself a coffee. This is amazing because he historically has not been able to make coffee for himself in months.

After the call I get him in the shower. I dress him and get him another coffee. I get him fed. As soon as I sit down to eat my breakfast, DH asks for help in the bathroom. THATS a welcome and new behavior and I am happy to hear it and oblige. I have mostly been watching him like a hawk, when he heads to the bathroom, I am on high alert. Interestingly, he often waits until I am filling the washing machine or in the kitchen or in the yard when he heads to the water closet by himself for a BM. And generally there is a mess that could have been avoided had he only let me know he was heading to the bathroom.

Sometimes he is capable and sometimes he is not. Sometimes he is petulant and sometimes he is not. I cannot control what happens when. The problem comes when I have expectations. When I have expectations, I become frazzled. 

My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 420

jfkoc

YES!!!!

John_inFlorida

Isnt it strange how that works. I have no problem with my young grandsons behaving like a child, which they are. But I still expect more from DW even though I know I shouldnt. It's just hard because you think adults should behave a certain way.

Gig Harbor

I agree that our expectations get in our way and impact our serenity. We think of our LO as acting like toddlers but toddlers learn something every day. Our LO forget something every day. I try to dissociate myself from my husband so that I have no expectations. I listen to a lot of audio books especially when doing yard work so I am not as resentful that he is unable to help me. I have conversations in my mind but no longer try to talk about much with him. His memory is 5 seconds so we could have the same conversation multiple times a day. He does not mind silence. I read an article that described this life we lead as “languishing” and I think that describes it pretty well. I focus on what I can do to make sure I emerge from this time period as a healthy and balanced person. I make plans and set goals in my mind. My other focus is to make sure my husband is as happy and relaxed at home as possible. I ask very little of him but I believe that we are equally important. Yes this horrible disease is impacting him but it is impacting me just as much only in a different way. It is destroying my retirement while he is seemingly unconcerned about his loss in abilities and absolutely trusts that I will take care of everything.

Hollyrose

Oh, I certainly feel each of your frustrations! Thanks for the difficult reminder that we need to erase any expectations on a minute-to-minute basis. At least I do.

DWck

Gig H, 

I hadn’t heard that saying about serenity versus expectations but it certainly is so true. I feel we are pretty much in the same boat. DH’s short memory is maybe a bit longer, almost 20 seconds! I have recently finally come to terms that any meaningful conversations are a thing of the past and most of the time say “yes” or “I know” to his commentary. Even watching TV is a challenge because he can’t follow any plot lines and can’t distinguish the programs from the commercials. Physically he is only able to ambulate a few steps with the walker but mostly “we” pivot from chair to hospital bed. I am in some sad way grateful that he is physically unable to wander. We must evaluate our expectations every day for continued serenity. I’m sitting on the porch watching the sun rise. Pretty and peaceful. Soon, another day begins. 

Beachfan

Well said, Gig Harbor.  I agree 100%.  My DH is well into stage 6 and can do nothing for, or by himself.  But he is well fed, warm, loved, clean, content, doted upon, seemingly happy sitting alone quietly; he truly has the world by the a$#, so to speak.   I am missing grandkid time, me time, beach time, travel, golf, relaxation.  If I place him, it will be for me, not for him.  I don’t resent him or what I do for him, but should placement happen, I will have no regrets.   Next week will mark 11 years since his initial dx of MCI, but unlike a toddler, there is no growth, only regression day by day by day.........A sad state of affairs, but there’s no sense in wallowing. As Frank Costanza would say, “Serenity now!!!”