Mom is stronger than we thought

SDSmith

This is my first time to chat online about my mom so here goes ....  My mom is 78 years old and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia in June, 2017 and it's been a complete roller coaster.  I have watched her go from a woman who could do everything on her own, to a shell of a person who can't put two words together.  The last year has been extremely hard for my father who has been her sole caretaker from the beginning.  He told me many times over the last year to stop talking to him about putting mom in a home but I could see the toll it was taking on him especially over the last 4 weeks.  My mother's face suddenly changes and her eyes turn black (being fully dilated).  Once that happens, it is full meltdown time.  

Does anybody else experience the face change/eyes dilated thing?

She sees people that aren't there and constantly tells us to shut up because they can hear us.  My father has medication for her but doesn't give it to her consistently because she refuses to take them so these meltdowns are frequent and quite violent.  She constantly tells him that she is going to kill him.  I finally told him that he needed to think about his safety and hers and that she is now a danger to herself, him and any other person who is around her.  It took two more weeks and I finally got the call that he was done.  He said he cannot do it another day.  He said the stress of her constantly being angry, throwing things away, getting naked right after he dresses her, refusing medication and food, not able to bathe and messing in her underwear and hiding her clothes was too much for him to do any longer.  So I told him "Ok, let's get moving on finding a good home for her."  I am not kidding, it took us 1 visit to a personal care home and it couldn't have been more perfect.  So dad signed the contract and we started making plans to move mom without her knowing.

The move could not have gone any smoother.  We told her she was going to see a new doctor and we went in, the owner took her by the hand and led her into the living room and my father and I slipped out the door.  Then the guilt set in... until we found out what she did on the night we dropped her off.  Has anybody experienced a loved one go from frail and unable to walk to doing ninja moves?

Mom had a good day and ate her meals and snacks.  Then the staff got all the ladies (10 of them including my mom) showered and ready for bed.  One of the staff looked over at my mom and "the face change" thing happened.  She went into full meltdown and they didn't get her settled down until 10pm.  They left her bedroom and then the alarm went off.  My mom opened her window, kicked the screen out and jumped out of the window onto the deck.  She got up and ran, yes ran across the deck as they were trying to get her inside.  She picked up a metal deck chair and threw it at them hurting one lady pretty bad and then she proceeded to jump a 4 foot fence.  Once they were able to get her back inside, she didn't calm down until 1am, slept for 30 minutes and then was back at it until 4am.  She kept the entire house up all night long.  So how did she get so strong?  I have to hold her hand to help her walk and she goes to PT for her balance.  My dad and I are scratching our heads.  Where does this strength come from?  So she is now heavily medicated and adjusting a little better.  She's only been there a week but they assure me that it just takes time to adjust to new surroundings.

If anyone has had a similar experience, I am curious how it was handled.

RobOT

SD, my experience isn't exactly like yours, but close enough.  My Dad has meltdowns, but it's more anxiety than violence, although there's been an incident or two.  He has a heart block, so his heart rate is running in the high twenties at rest.  Eighties is about normal.  His oxygen, which should be around 98% is around 75% without extra oxygen, which he takes off as soon as it's put on him.  He can't stand without a LOT of help.  I had to put him in a home after he started falling and keeping me up 48 hours at a time. During the day he sits in a chair and stares until I get there, then he demands I take him home.  At night, starting around ten, he climbs out of bed and into his wheelchair, which is across the room behind a curtain.  His room mate says he walks, holding onto the furniture.  Then he starts shouting for me.  He pounds on the doors, tore shutters off a window, and last night broke the gate at the bottom of the stairs and climbed the stairs. They give him Haldol at night, but he's still able to break through.  He has adverse reactions to all the other meds that would calm him, and they're saying the Haldol might lower his heart rate.  Honestly, after seven years of caring for him at home,  the main thing that scares me now is that they'll kick him out.  I AM a therapist, and this just seems to be one of the mysteries of dementia.  Maybe it's like people who show superhuman strength in a crisis.  If you can't remember what happened two minutes ago, maybe life is just nothing but a crisis.  Hugs to you and your dad, this is Hell.

SDSmith

Hi, thanks for your response.  This is just a terrible disease and I'm sorry about your dad.  I hope I never get it although it runs rampant through my moms side of the family.  My husband and I have learned so much through this whole process.  Mom is currently on Seroquel and Ativan but can still be quite aggressive.  It just floors me how she jumped out of a window and jumped a fence.  

After her incident on Saturday, I was so worried they were going to ask us to come get her.  They said she will never be able to come back home in her condition but she would have to go to a state institution to live the rest of her days in a locked room.  So they are going to do their best to control her with medication.  God I hope it works.  I don't want to put her in an institution.

At this time, she's been there 5 days and we have been asked to not visit for 2 weeks.  Once I go to visit, I'm so afraid she will either throw something at me or beg me to take her out of the home.  It will be hard to leave her .....

abc123

Dear SD, I’m glad you were able to find such a good place for your Mom. That is a huge blessing for all of you. 

My MIL was a small woman and very frail. When she was in sundowning mode she was very fast, strong and walked completely upright. I realize your situation is much more serious but I absolutely believe PWD are capable of doing all sorts of strange things. I hope everything works out well for your Mom.