Different wishes between parents for living arrangements needs suggestions

Talex

I'm new here and looking for suggestions on how to handle my parents' different wishes for living arrangements. My dad has dementia and was moved to AL last month from apartment he shared with my mom. They have been married 63 years and have never been apart. My dad hates being by himself and wants to move to a 2 bedroom AL with my mom. The problem is my mom is enjoying being on her own for the first time in her life and so far does not want to live with my dad again. My mom has a lot of anger toward my dad built up over all those years.

We keep telling my dad that there is a long wait for 2 bedroom places and he will have to stay where he is for a few months. We seem to have to say it every time we visit. I'm used to that, I guess. What I'm wondering is if there is another way to handle things or if we just keep doing what we are doing. Thanks.

harshedbuzz

Talex-

One thought comes to mind. Is your dad's AL a higher level AL for MC or just a hospitality model AL?

With the progression of dementia, many of our LOs develop apathy and inertia and are unable to entertain themselves. A quality MCF would work to keep him engaged and give him activities at which he could feel successful. Engaged, he might have less time to pine for your mother's companionship.

HB

May flowers

I second what harshedbuzz says, my LO is  new to MC but they were in the common area and activity area all day - it was constant activity - putting together pvc pipes, ladies getting their nails done, chair yoga and indoor bowling (it was a rainy day). They walk outside daily when the weather is nice. 

This is very good for my LO because when he is not doing something he is switched off and the TV does not interest him anymore. When we were there, there were four staffers with the residents, interacting with them. When it got quiet, one of the caregivers would say something then they all piped up with stories to tell, then the conversation would wane and get quiet again, some would doze off, then after a bit a caregiver would start up another conversation. They had a room with stuffed animals and baby dolls and we were told some of the ladies liked to go in there and rock the baby dolls.

When my FIL was at my house, I could not interest him in activities or talking much, but in that group setting he seems to enjoy it. I am convinced he would be in his room wasting away if he were in AL, even though he is highly functioning in terms of toileting and such, it seems his mind  really needed this stimulation.

King Boo

Keep doing what you are doing.  Wait list, pluming issues, I understand, but the food is way better over here, the paid help is nicer, yada, yada.....anything positive. 

Monitoring Dad's care and care level, and whether his dementia needs are being met, is one separate project.  AL, MC, a paid additional aide here and there.

Mom should stay by herself per her wishes.  This disease can take an elephant down and the well spouse can only take so much.  

smbren

I think what you are doing is the best thing.  Saying it is a long wait list.  If it is farther away, you can also use that as a reason that you may not be able to visit as much.  And also point out some of the things he really likes where he is at and fib that he won't necasarily have it at the other place.  If he is still aware of dates, you can start to put him off a little and say you will follow up on the 1st of every month as they won't give you updates every day, but they will update you monthly. Due to a burst pipe, they have major repairs they are doing causing even a longer delay on the wait list... I've gotten good at given my mom the fibs, still feel bad about it, but it is for the best. 

With my parents, I'm finding similar issues where my dad is getting worn down with the caregiving and at times even though something may be best for mom, he isn't agreeable to it.  So at times, I am having a similar struggle. 

So keep doing what you are doing.  Put out reasons why it's delayed.  It will become a non issue at some point.