New and needing advice: How much truth to tell Dad

MSanusi

I've been lurking here for several months and have found this community immensely helpful.  My Dad's dementia is moderate-severe and he moved in with us in late January.  He frequently talks about going to visit his parents and sometimes gets very adamant that we take him there.  So far, I've been redirecting him and that has worked but I'm wondering as he gets more demanding about it, if I need to just tell him the truth that they are no longer living.  I appreciate any insight.

terei

Correcting him - telling him the truth- will get you nowhere.  Reason + logic are no longer part of his toolbox.

When your father wants to visit his parents distracting him with another subject or saying something like ‘well we cant go now(for whatever reason)but tell me about your parents’.  You can also say things like ‘they are in (some state) visiting so + so + they are supposed to let us know when they will be back.   etc etc etc. 

If he is convinced his parents are alive, there is nothing you can say to change his mind + if you do, + he accepts they are dead, it will upset him tremendously.  He will not remember what you said tomorrow anyway.

Suzzin

I agree, you can either distract him or lean in and take this opportunity to learn more about his childhood and his memories. Saying they are on vacation, or if he recognizes Covid, you can't travel because of Covid. My mom forgets just about everything but she remembers to wear a mask, so it's strange what sticks. Maybe he can write them a letter?

MSanusi

Thank you so much.  Really, you both have confirmed what I was already thinking, I just needed the reassurance.  I appreciate it so much. And I love the idea of incorporating Covid into the reason we can't go see them.  Genius.

RobOT

While I TOTALLY agree with the previous posts, it never hurts to have another tool in your tool box.  I've had patients in skilled nursing who were convinced their parents were in the next bed, or the next room, and even seeing that real person in the next bed didn't seem to help.  More often than not if I sat down and asked the patient their own age (usually in their eighties or nineties) then asked them if they really thought their parent was in that bed, it stopped them for a moment, and they agreed it was unlikely.  Nobody ever got upset about realizing their parents were gone when I did this, which is a testament to the brokenness of dementia.  But no guarantees on that either.  This technique didn't last, they were back insisting the same things the next day, but with one man he eventually did stop.  This is probably a phase, and your father will move on from it.  Hugs to you, hope this simmers down soon for all of you.

MarthaWaianae

I am worried about my father-in-law.  Mom has cancer. She is under hospice care. Her health declined rapidly. None of the family realized how severe Dad's dementia is. He may ask the same exact question 5 times in an hour then not remember the answer. This has been especially traumatizing for him at this time because he is fearful and refuses to be less than 100 feet from Mom. He notices that she is very sick. He repeats frequently, "Why is Jane so sick?" When we tell him. Mom has cancer. He responds with shock, like this is the first time he is hearing this terrible news. "Jane has cancer! Oh no Jane has cancer!" We knew he couldn't drive safely anymore. We knew that he was having trouble with his memory, but we didn't know it was this bad. He is genuinely traumatized by the news. I felt we were traumatizing him notifying him of Mom's cancer diagnosis for the "first time" 5 times an hour. Having no previous experience with dementia, we were at a loss as to what to do. I am really grateful for the Alzheimer's Association, especially their helpline.  It recommended therapeutic fibbing and redirecting the loved one's attention somewhere else.  We are honest people. We had a hard time with therapeutic fibbing, but it was so much easier than traumatizing him over and over again. Being honest people, some family members are very very angry with us for using therapeutic fibbing as a tool. They have expressed their angry opposition very strongly and directly....but these are the people not acting as caregivers at all for Dad.  They have not witnessed Dad's daily repetitive trauma at being told Mom has cancer.

MSanusi

RobOT, I like your idea very much and actually had thought of trying that.  It's worth a shot!  Thank you!

sandwichone123

Martha, thank you for this helpful perspective. People have been taught "don't lie" as such a value it's hard for them to appreciate that "don't hurt the people you love" also rates consideration.

M1

Hi Martha.  Sounds like what you're seeing is something that happens fairly frequently:  the caregiver (Jane) was providing "scaffolding" that kept your FIL going, and now that he's losing that support, everything else crumbles.  The caregiver kept him going, and now she can't, and everyone else realizes how bad things actually are.  Is Jane able to converse with you?  If so, it may help to find out if she had a backup plan for FIL, where legal papers are, etc;--you're going to need them pretty fast, it sounds like.  So sorry, I'm sure this is all a terrible shock to your family.

MarthaWaianae

She died last night. Her cancer was very painful. She was to drugged on painkillers to help us with any information.