newcomer and feeling overwhelmed

sjohnson

My mom is 91 and has been showing signs of dementia for awhile.  She was living in assisted living and doing ok.  then she fell and broke her hip in March; had partial hip replacement surgery.  Physically, she is doing ok.  but her dementia went from a 2 to 90 in a very short time.  She is not able to go back to assisted living.  She is now in a very good skilled nursing facility; but because of COVID, I am not able to go into the building.  I live an hour and 45 minutes away and have been going over every Wednesday after work for a short outdoor visit and doing video calls.  Mom is very angry and thinks that I am choosing not to visit her.  she has been hitting, kicking, spitting out her meds, yelling.  This is completely opposite of her personality!  The staff are great.  They are all trying to figure out how to help her.  they just started her on Depakote to help stabilize her moods.  This is all new to me.  I work with young children and in some ways, it is a lot like dealing with a young child who is having a "meltdown".  but when it is your own mother.....it is a whole new level for me emotionally!  I have a very supportive husband and dear friends; but at times, I feel very alone.  My sister lives out of state and so do my brothers.  They do what they can; but again, with COVID, they can't come to see mom at all.  I'm emotionally exhausted.  But I wake up every day and start again.  Thanks for listening!

Sjodry

Hi S...welcome.

This is a very difficult journey at every stage for various reasons. I would suggest that if you are able to purchase an Alexa Show 8 or 10 (a video device) and put it in her room, that may be helpful to both of you. I have an Alexa 8 (the number refers to the screen size). I can drop in on my mom any time of the day or night to just look at her or have a video (face-to-face) conversation. 

I adore having this Alexa device in the room for other reasons as well. My mom is on hospice and because of that, I am considered by the facility to be a compassionate caregiver. I do see her every day and we listen to lots of her favorite era music. Also, you can upload family pictures which scroll on the device. Mom does not have to do anything to hear or talk to me.

For the sake of ease (and not activating the device by saying “Alexa”), I call it her music box. I tell her I will check in on her in the morning and in the evening. Sometimes I am able to drop in and also catch various hospice nurses or aides who have stopped in. This would also be a great idea due to your distance from your mom.

You are right..this condition makes our loved ones very child-like. I have very effectively had a role reversal and am like the parent. This is a sad and lonely journey under the best of circumstances. The best advice I can give is to tell you to educate yourself.

One of the other members here posted an excellent article that I just read, I would suggest that you read it: Understanding the Dementia Experience by: Jennifer Ghent-Fuller.

The information and support on this site is helpful, especially when on this journey as the sole caregiver.

Feel free to reach out. For as many stages my mom has experienced on this journey, I have matched her with the emotional effects of each. It does not get easier. This journey has required me to “be the adult” when all I wanted to do was run away from the pain and stress of it. I have had a handful of days on this journey where my bp was literally in stroke range. I started meditating and have relied heavily on my faith. Somewhere along the way, I have managed to get to a place of comfortable acceptance, I hope you are able to do the same.

Be strong,

Take care,

Sandy

sjohnson

Thank you, Sandy!  i will look into the Alexa 8.  I have done a couple of Skype calls with her.  The activities department have certain times that they can facilitate video calls.  My mom gets very confused because she can see me and thinks that I am there, outside the building and refusing to come in.  I have started talking to a counselor which is helping.  And I, too, have been leaning on my faith a lot.  Many hours of prayer and crying!  Sometimes I feel like I don't have the emotional energy for anything else.  I make it through work and then come home to deal with my mom's issues and then don't have the time to be there for my husband.  He has been great and very supportive.  His mom is 91 and in frail health.  She does not have dementia; but still needs some help.  So my husband helps his mom and I help mine.   Thank you for your kind words.  This forum has already been very helpful for me.  Thanks.