DH says he is content

Whyzit

I have been struggling to get DH to do the exercises his physical therapist wants him to do at home, to go fishing his now former passion, to go for a walk, to be accepting of the aide 4 hours a week. He is not rude, just totally uninterested. So I asked him if he is content to sit in his lazy boy chair and watch tv or do word searches. He replied that he is content.

So why am I beating myself up trying to encourage him to do these activities? If he is content how do I become contented with that and get on living my life without this aspect of caregiver duties? Have I been excused from being the caregiver activity director? Hmmm I’m going for a walk while he naps and when I get back I’m going to work on that painting that has been sitting on my easel for too long and then I’ll check in back here to see what you have to say about being and finding contentment as a caregiver. See ya later.......

Rick4407

My wife is someplace in mid stage 6.  She can do nothing without assistance.  She has long conversations with me that are absolute nonsense.  I take care of her but am very happy when she is occupied with something else.  She likes to sweep and that usually gives me 10-15 minutes of just sit time.  

The end of all of these stories on the forum is the same, its only a matter of how long it takes to get there.  My goal is to keep her healthy and smiling as long as possible and equally to survive myself.  If he's happy watching TV, be happy about it.  The next stage may be much more labor intensive for you.   Go back to painting, his needs will only get more intense.  Others will give different opinions.  Rick 

Ed1937

Rick4407 wrote:

My goal is to keep her healthy and smiling as long as possible and equally to survive myself.  If he's happy watching TV, be happy about it. 

I'm with Rick. If it doesn't hurt anything, why make it harder on you?

jmlarue

Sounds like apathy. These people have lost a part of the brain that allows them to initiate, to plan, or take on tasks. I think it was Teepa Snow who explained that it's not a voluntary, "I don't care." Instead, it's really an involuntary,  "I can't care." They just no longer have the capacity to care whether they move, eat, recreate, get dressed...etc. They just can't care about any of it. This article addresses some ways caregivers may be able to engage the person with apathy. P.S. Don't expect to engage them in any real physical activity like a long walk or organized exercise. 

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/apathy-dementia

dayn2nite2

Content, apathy...it's all good.  Better than raging, aggressive, demanding.  You do not need to be activity director, he doesn't need that.

feudman

My DW was very content to watch back-to back "Family Feuds." Every day, all day. For years. My job was simply to keep 'em coming. I was the Feudman!

M1

Agree with other posters whyzit, this is one to let go.  Hard to accept perhaps, but these expectations for exercise and activity are clearly yours, not his.  Don't mean that in an unkind way. But if he wants to just sit, where's the harm? I see it too, my partner used to outwork me with her eyes closed, but now she just putters, vacuums, watches TV. But that's fine as long as it's safe stuff.

Whyzit

Thank you for your responses. I knew you all would help me out. I looked up the articles on apathy and they describe DH perfectly. It was so comforting to see from you and the articles that I need to adjust my thinking. It is his new normal (hate that term) accept it and enjoy him for the person he is now. Thank you, thank you, . 

Dayn2nite2 you are right. It is all good, the angry DH left at least for now. Life is easier right now. Somehow as a caregiver I keep expecting the other shoe to fall.. Always being on guard is so draining and robs us of the joy we could have today.

jmlarue such a helpful resource, thanks.

Beachfan

I had the same worries awhile ago.  DH is stage six, and as Rick pointed out, no longer able to do anything for himself or by himself.  Check out the section on "apathy" in the article, Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller (free download on the internet).  It describes DH perfectly.  He is content to sit quietly, for hours, with soft music playing.  I find I can get a lot done, read, garden, run short errands, visit with friends, exercise, go for a walk, just about anything.   Usually, if he is fed and toileted, he will sit in one spot until I physically move him to the table for lunch.  Typically, by late afternoon, he will pace a little, talk to inanimate objects, sit for short periods, totally "out of commission" in terms of meaningful conversation or activity, but easily managed.  I have learned to take advantage of the peace and quiet. although I miss the old days.  Overall, he is docile and compliant; I will take the apathy over what might have been.  Go and paint, you'll relax and feel better.