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Need Advice - My mom is getting into trouble!

Hi Everyone,
My Father passed away in January and we moved my mother to the memory care area of her senior living complex.   
She wanders into other patients rooms.  While she's in their rooms she disassembles electronics.. such as TVs, lights, cords.  Pretty much anything she can get her hands on.  She does this in her own room also.  Has taken apart the nurse call button.   My mother used to work as an electronic assembler so this behavior isn't completely surprising to us.  We are unsure of why she is doing this now.  Maybe she is saving electricity or afraid of a fire. 

She also enters other rooms and uses their bathroom.  Takes off her clothes to get ready for bed ad all hours of the day.  It's disturbing for the other patients and upsetting to a few of them.

I feel like they are short staffed due to Covid and that is part of the problem.  She may not be getting enough activity and is bored.

Has anyone else ever experienced this type of behavior? 

Any suggestions for how to stop it or what is causing it?

Also - what should we expect from the care givers in a memory unit?  Isn't this why she is in a memory care facility?  Shouldn't they be able to handle memory issues?

My mother is able to dress, feed herself and is not incontinent.  She can understand if her hearing aid is in her ear and turned on.  She only speaks German and that is giberish.  

Thank you for any advice you can share with us.  I feel like we aren't alone.  This has to be a common issue.

Ingrid

Comments

  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 750
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    Ingrid, what an interesting problem. I would think that dealing with wandering would be something a memory care would have a handle on, so I am speechless on that topic.

    I do suggest heading out to the thrift stores and getting a large number of electric and mechanical things for her to play with. You could bring one or two each time you visit and she'd have her own toys, which might decrease her restlessness a little.

  • terei
    terei Member Posts: 572
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    All this behavior is not uncommon with dementia.  You are right, that is exactly why she is in MC to be supervised + redirected.  There is no ‘reason’ for her to be doing any of these things IMO.    Her brain is being destroyed by the disease + there is no point in trying to figure out ‘why’.

    Unlocked rooms in MC are always problematical + there were uninvited residents in my mother’s room regularly.   In the case of my mother’s facility, I asked that if staff was near her room + she was inside, that they should lock the door( mom could not remember to do it) to prevent at least some of these unwanted visits from other residents. 

    As far as removing clothing, again, she should be being redirected.  It may help to give her clothing that is not easy to remove, but that will be difficult.   All these behaviors will probably evolve or cease with time, but until they change, the staff should be vigilant + try to see that she is attending activities + keep her otherwise occupied.

  • Rescue mom
    Rescue mom Member Posts: 988
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    Yes, those (taking things apart, entering other rooms)  are common behavior problems, IME and from reading this board. Others went into my moms room at her MC regularly. Nobody liked it, but....As Terei said, it’s a *hard* problem. I don’t recall any solid solutions except supervision. Most facilities are not allowed, or only very limited circumstances, to have locks on doors. You hope the staff controls it, and they should to a large degree, but realistically, they can’t watch every person every minute. But yea, they should keep it under control. It’s still likely to happen, until she enters another phase.

    This is why families should never leave anything valuable/ irreplaceable, and put names/labels on clothing. It’s not deliberate theft, it’s that other residents will come in and walk away with it, as well as your LO misplacing it.

    There are online stores that specialize in clothes for dementia patients, including clothes that are almost impossible to remove alone. Someone here will probably remember the name.

    Not speaking English, I would think, is a huge problem. Does she understand it when spoken to her?

    She could be bored, but she could still do those negative activities no matter what else she has to do. (I’ve seen that happen for sure). Getting her some thrift stores stuff to take apart sounds like a good idea. I wonder what her “socializing” must be like if she can’t talk with other residents, who may not be able to be as “welcoming” as might happen otherwise. 

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  • Cynbar
    Cynbar Member Posts: 539
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    Is the memory care complaining to you and asking you to address this, or are you feeling embarrassed and upset? I agree that this seems to be a common problem in MCCs. PWD can't tell us what they are thinking and are impossible to reason with, so the "why" is a mystery. I also agree that the staff should be able to handle it, and understand/explain to families that it is often seen. Memory care facilities seem to differ quite a but in the quality of their staff and what they are prepared to handle. They should be redirecting her but can't watch her every minute, so some of this will continue for awhile. But if they are calling you and making this out to be a big issue, it might be time to look for another facility. If staff isn't doing this but you are bothered by it, I hope this thread has shown you that it comes up on memory care units and is nothing to be too concerned with, it's part of the disease progression for many PWD.
  • May flowers
    May flowers Member Posts: 758
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     It does seem like the kinds of things MC should be able handle. The MC my FIL is at, it seems the residents are either together doing activities or in their room. Their doors are locked and each patient has a digital key that they can wear on their wrist that unlocks their door when they get near it.  They have playroom with all kinds of things they can take apart and put together like legos, pvc pipes, etc. 

    When my kids were young they enjoyed those circuit board toys they could take apart and put together. Maybe something like that would hold her interest 

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,394
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    Ingrid-

    This is a perennial problem in MCFs. It's kind of the MCF version of the biting toddler in daycare. Some days your kid is the biter, some days your kid is the bitee.

    Staff do watch out for wanderers, for shoppers and for the hunter-gatherers that populate their communities. Often there's a problem when a resident wants the door open or doesn't lock behind them and the PWD who doesn't recognize boundaries or even their own room. 

    My father constantly futzed with electronics and wires; I have no idea why. They weren't ever his thing. The staff could try redirecting her to activities when offered, but they won't be able to 100% extinguish this behavior, especially when she's in her own room. I wonder if she could be engaged by blocks, puzzles, hand figits or even doll or robot pet therapy.

    HB
  • MN Chickadee
    MN Chickadee Member Posts: 880
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    I don't know why the urge to take stuff apart is so strong for some PWD but it's definitely a thing. In earlier stages my mother dismantled all the lovely things we decorated her room with. Every last picture frame is destroyed, every decoration. She took apart a floral arrangement, furniture, anything she could. Never had an ounce of interest in that kind of thing before dementia.

    You have had good suggestions from others. Staff should figure out more ways to occupy her. Helping out in the dining room, stuff to fidget with. Do try bringing stuff that she may enjoy taking apart in a safe way. Take away things she can use as a tool to take apart things she shouldn't. But they will never occupy her 100% of the time, it just isn't possible. It only takes a minute for someone to find trouble. My only advice is to remember it won't last forever. Whether this phase lasts a week or a month or 6 months, eventually it will pass. My LO's Alz has progressed and it seems like just yesterday she was dismantling her chair. I almost miss it. The going into others' rooms thing is hard. There often isn't a lot they can do, other than try to keep closer tabs on the person and wait it out. It certainly is not unusual in MC. My mother gathered many, many things from other rooms. Stuff would show up in her room, everything from stuffed animals to photo albums of random families. Her mobility is gone now and her days of shopping are over, but it was indeed a strange time in her disease. 

  • Sjodry
    Sjodry Member Posts: 68
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    Iscragg,

    To me..it sounds like your mom “is working”. In her mind, she may be assembling/disassembling as she used to in her job. My mom does not remember that she has been retired for many years, though she routinely takes all of the artwork off of the walls.

    As for undressing, my mom is doing that also.  It has gotten better since we increased her Seroquel..until today. I brought my husband to visit her today..the first time he has seen her since before Christmas..when I opened the door, there she sat with a sweater and nothing from the waist down. The problem (as I saw it) was that she had wet briefs on which no one (caregivers on the memory care unit) noticed or had apparently checked. She decided to remove them but has no clue how to redress herself. 

    My mother mistakenly wanders into other’s rooms as they do with her room also. My mom has a dorm sized refrigerator in her room and food in the kitchen cabinets. Some of her food was disappearing also. I bought a refrigerator lock that I have the key for. I also put a child-proof lock on her kitchen cabinets which has stopped the disappearing food.

    Also, I have an Alexa in her room which helps me to drop in and check on her. Part of my enormous frustration with this journey is the systemic issues of memory care units (no matter what the brand name is) and the lack of detailed care. The staff is young, is not paid well and their work ethic is questionable (at least for some). I chew the enamel off of my teeth daily with the constant memory care problems we face. Unfortunately, I think it is this way at many, if not most other memory care units. It helps that I go over every day, I can stay on top of a lot of it.

    I will be glad when I do not have to constantly advocate for things to get done (that we are already paying a great deal of money to be done).  I have spoken to the ceo at least 3 or 4 times about the recurring issues we face. I followed it up with a formalized plan of suggestions/ideas for their memory care unit. I have always thought if I am going to complain, I should also try to help find solutions. I am doubtful that it will go beyond the ceo, but I tried.

    Hope your situation improves,

    Sandy

  • iscragg
    iscragg Member Posts: 4
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    Thank all  - I am compiling a list of ways to keep my mom out of trouble.

    We have been asked to come in to discuss her behavior and I get the feeling that they don't think they can handle her.  One of the other patients was very angry and upset about my mom being in his/her room.   

    I think... because of Covid they are understaffed.  We picked this Senior living complex because of we knew they had a lovely Memory care area for my mom.  Felt she would be in good hands when my dad passed away.

    Sandy - how does Alex work for you?  Do you just listen or do you try to communicate with your Mom?

    Because of Covid we are only able to see my mom 2x a week for 45 minutes.  Most people only get 1 visit. We have pleaded and gotten a 2nd.  We are not allowed to take her out yet but were able to get her for Mother's day and for hearing aid appointments.  

    If she got more exercise and more stimulation I feel like this wouldn't be as big of an issue.  

    It's good to know that everything we are experiencing is common... not unusual and that a Memory Care area should be able to handle it.  We really do not want to move my mother. It has a great reputation and is really very nice... plus she likes the food!

    Thank you - I appreciate all your suggestions and will take any more advice you have to offer.

    Ingrid

  • Sjodry
    Sjodry Member Posts: 68
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    Iscragg,

    The Alexa works great for us. I have it paired with my mobile phone and have the setting to allow drop-ins. My mom does not need to know how to answer a call. Yes, I also have video calls with her where we talk. Some days she remembers just where to look to see me on the Alexa..and some days not. Occasionally, she will come across the room and sit in the chair just to the right of the device (out of view). We will still have a conversation like this also. 

    Or I can be heard saying, hey..wait don’t leave..I’m down here on the table and she will find me waving my hands. It’s not perfect, but I am glad that I have it in her room.

    My aunt is also able to have video calls with her. 

    Also, being able to play all her favorite music helps greatly. I think it improves her mood.

    I hope your meeting goes well.

    Sandy

  • King Boo
    King Boo Member Posts: 302
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    All MC are not created equal.  What you describe would be nothing particularly problematic at a good MC.  They would try and work with your Mom's fixation on electronics in recreation, have her see the geriatric psychiatrist if she was getting upset or agitated, and roll with the clothes thing as it occurred.

    Some MC's tend to 'cherry pick' their residents in the 'delightful, but confused and forgetful stage'.   If this is their norm, stays are often short or population 'culled' as they see fit.

    The fact that you use the word 'lovely' to describe the MC tends to indicate this is a possibility.

    While I am generalizing, virtually every place I saw that had flowered wallpaper, crystal chandeliers and a 'lovely' setting were VERY LACKING in dementia trained staff, long term staff and consistent quality care. They spent all their money on marketing and environment.  None on quality care and staff benefits.

    Of the 32 facilities I researched and 28 I visited, I would have used exactly 4.  They were all shabby, worn, but very clean, with long term staff at least in part, with good benefits for their staff and training.

    You may need to find a new facility.   Check out the non profits in your area, sometimes their mission statements can serve one well from start to finish.

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,394
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    King Boo is wise. On her advice to look for places that put money into training and staff retention, I started to take a quick look at the employee parking lot to check out the cars staff could afford. Nicer cars = better care, IME. The cabbage rose wallpaper and stately grandfather clock? Not so much.

    That said, in many states, the suites/apartments in MCF are required to have locks which should restrict your mom's access to other people's rooms. Dad's did, but he didn't like to fully shut the door so stuff walked, his bathroom was used and occasionally someone would drop in for a nap. In an effort to avoid this and also to keep residents engaged in activities, staff would routinely make a hall check and close doors that had been left ajar. 

    HB
  • iscragg
    iscragg Member Posts: 4
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    So much helpful information!  We have a meeting with the nursing director today and have 100 questions!  Maybe this isn't the right facility for my mother... maybe it is.  We have a lot to learn.   Thank you everyone!!    

    Ingrid

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more