DH obsessively complaining about not driving

jmlarue

My spouse was told he MUST NOT drive 4 months ago by both his psychologist and neuro-psych doctors. His pickup truck is now in the custody of our son. We have a small car that he has always regarded as mine, which provides transport wherever and whenever he wants/needs to go somewhere. He has complained bitterly about the loss of his driving privilege from day one. While I understand him expressing his anger over this, I am completely out of patience with the hourly rants about it for 4 long months. He won't be distracted or redirected. It always starts slowly, even somewhat quietly and then ramps up fairly quickly to a full-blown rant laced with profanity and threats to do unspeakable things to those he blames for his problem (including me). Early on, I tried to reason with him, as did every one of his doctors. Might as well be talking to a 5 yo child who's been denied the chocolate bar at the grocery store. I've tried being sympathetic. I've tried to distract and redirect. I'm finally out of patience. Now, I say nothing and leave the room to let him to rant to the universe. Even the dog is tired of it and skulks out of the room behind me. We're trying a new med (Prazosin) to see if it helps. So far, no effect on moderating his behavior. I'm so burned out on this. Anyone have any ideas for dealing with this hot mess that I haven't considered?

Just Ro

I am having the same problem with my DH about driving.  Our stories are pretty much the same including my son having possession of the truck.  After we secretly removed his truck from the premises, my DH kept trying to “break in to” and “steal” to my  car in the middle of the night. I started him on Aricept and Seroquel about 6 weeks ago.  Fortunately, these medications have really helped with his clarity, quality of sleep and quieting his agitation. He no longer stays up all night trying to get away. The meds have also eliminated his hallucinations and many other undesirable behaviors.  Unfortunately, though,  he is more aware of his loss of  driving privileges and keeps saying he is going to buy a new truck and he doesn’t care if the doctor says he can’t drive.  He isn’t angry with me about the loss of his truck because he is under the impression that his long deceased father stole his truck. I’m happy about that lingering delusion. 

So, you are not alone in this struggle.  I’m not sure if I have any advice for you.  I continue to tell my DH that the doctors have said it’s not safe for him to drive; therefore, there is no need for him to have a car.  I tell him the insurance company will not insure him because of his “memory problems” and that he would be breaking the law if he drives.  I repeat this every time he asks about driving, which is at least once a day, often more.  He gets upset, but it usually goes away fairly quickly.  I think your idea of leaving the room is probably as good as any solution. I do that, also, if the driving conversations goes on too long.  Maybe others will have some suggestions. Good luck, dear one. 

jmlarue

I'm sorry to hear that the other drugs moderated everything except the anger over loss of driving privilege. Today has been really over the top with his first rant coming about 1/2 hour after waking and pretty close to hourly after that. By 4:00 pm, he changed tactics and sniped, "Next thing I know, someone is going to come take my dog away from me!" I lost it and snapped, "Save it! I'm sick of your bitching." I'm not sure who was more shocked - me for saying it or him hearing it from me. Interestingly, he did shut up. I've had about 4 hours of blessed relief so far but, oh boy, now I feel guilty for losing control.

CStrope

jmlarue do NOT feel getting for losing control.  There are times this all gets the better of every one of us.  I lost it yesterday on my DH too.  We needed to get a new car.  I spent hours upon hours researching, looking, talking to different dealerships and sales people. Suddenly DH tells me that I'm cutting him out of everything because I wasn't having extensive conversations about the car.  It is also good to note that he has NEVER cared about our vehicles.  As long as he could get in and drive that's all he has ever cared about. So anyhow, when he started saying I was just cutting him out of decisions, I lost it.  I told  him if he wants to be such a big part of the decision then he should get on a computer (he can't), start researching (he won't) and figure out what he thinks we should be buying.  Later on in the day, my son showed him 2 versions of the car I was looking at.  He said, do you like the red one or the white one.  No answer. He asked him again to just pick red or white, and he couldn't.  

He wanted to complain about not being included in the decision, but he couldn't even make a decision between red and white.  When we did go to the dealership, the new car was put in my name and only my name.  After 35 years of marriage that's the first time something has ever been mine!

Tdrinker46

Looking back I was fortunate.  When doctor gave the diagnosis last year, she mentioned Alzheimer’s/Dementia was a disease that needed to be reported in our state.  She could take care of the reporting.  My husband understood what was said and his comment later in the car was “that mean lady said I can’t drive”.  Yes the topic came up again and I was able to say the state sent a letter and he could dispute their finding.  He made appointment to Zoom with MVD but forgot about it.  He hasn’t mentioned driving is a while.

jmlarue

Thanks for the absolution over losing control. If there's one thing I've learned, most of these memories don't stick so it's likely tomorrow won't be much different from today. All I can hope for is that the new medicine will kick in and start to moderate this situation.

harshedbuzz

jmlarue-

I'm sorry you feel badly about snapping. I don't know if there's anyone here who hasn't snapped at their LO in a fit of being a tired and frustrated human. If there's one good thing about dementia, this sort of thing is typically forgotten and you have a clean slate the next day.

I am sorry you are dealing with the driving issue. This was really difficult for my dad as well; we heard about the unfairness of it all from the time of his diagnosis right up until about a week before he passed. Early on, he seemed to believe that if one doctor took away his license, another could overrule the first and consequently badgered every doctor he saw to get it back.  His PCP, the pulmonologist, his urologist and even my mother's dermatologist when he insisted on crashing her MOHS procedure. 

It's counterintuitive, but sometimes what helped was after validating the unfairness of it, asking about cars from his past. Giving him the chance to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly as a redirection was often successful and something he enjoyed. He also liked to watch the auto auctions on TV. YMMV.

While this phase never passed entirely, it did eventually get to a point where it wasn't a constant talking point. And as his memory worsened, we were able to change the narrative to something less permanent like the car being in the shop. One of the very last conversations we had was about me promising to drop off a car at the MCF in case he needed to go somewhere. By that point, I could say "Sure, I'll leave the Ford for you in the employee parking lot out back".

LadyTexan

DH has loved cars and fast driving all of his life. He had 5 car accidents in a short period of time. The 5th was what got him into the doctor to start the long road to the EOAD dx.

DH ranted and raved about not being able to drive OVER and OVER and OVER again. Validating his feelings really helped calm him. For example, "I know it is not fair", "I'm sorry the doctor said you need to stop driving", "If I could fix this I would". Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

Like others, I would go into another room for some peace. Like others, sometimes I tried logic, which was a giant FAIL. Like others, sometimes I just lost it.

Giving up driving and giving up firearms were the two most explosive and emotional issues for DH and I (so far). This part of the journey was very uncomfortable for both of us. 

One thing that was especially helpful was a driving evaluation by an occupational therapist at the hospital. The evaluation included several objective timed exercises to evaluate DH's reaction time and an on the road test. The therapist was excellent in explaining to DH that his brain was preventing him from reacting timely. The therapist stated with compassion that DH was no longer safe to drive. The therapist described using Uber or Lyft like a trip to Disney Land. All this coming from someone other than me was more digestible by DH.

This phase is tough. You are tougher.

David J

When DW was told by the doctor that she shouldn’t drive, she did not believe him. In her mind, she was still ok to drive. (She wasn’t) At that point I could still have conversations with her and she could still reason some. I told her that I’d make an appointment with AAA to have her tested, and that I’d drive her anywhere she wanted. I made the appointment and took her keys. Before the appointment, she decided she’d had enough testing (we were doing a lot) and she would just give up driving. I think she knew that she would not pass the test. That didn’t stop her from complaining and asking if I thought she could drive again. Redirection and saying maybe someday worked for me for a while. She brought it up frequently for about two years, and I would deflect and redirect. Eventually she forgot. She even forgot she had a car.  After sitting in the garage for five years while we used my car, it is now back in service. She tells me I have a nice car.

jmlarue

Thanks, all, for the responses. It sounds like this is a grievance that won't go away easily, if ever. In my situation it's apparent that agreeing that this seems very unfair and then leaving the room is probably the only tactic at my disposal. Everything else just seems to escalate the complaints. From your responses I'm understanding that this is a fairly common problem for the PWD and the caregiver. Sending respect and hugs to everyone who has gone through this. It's certainly like being rubbed raw with 30 grit sandpaper every single day.

60 falcon

Jmlarue, I really like the wording on your avatar "Fine, I won't give up. But I will cuss the entire time." That fits me perfectly.

I wish you the best and hope you have all the patience you need.

aod326

My DH couldn't ever get used  to not being able to drive. He HATED it and, like your DH, talked (or yelled) about it pretty much dawn to dusk. As others have said, I found it always better to agree with him about him unjust it was, and that he was a perfect driver. I often said "We'll call the doctor tomorrow to get him to change his mind." While neither go those things stopped him altogether, it stopped him for a while, and often reduced the intensity. 

It's past the time for reasoning unfortunately; part of the disease is losing the ability to reason.

The other thing that worked sounds awful, but was quite a lifesaver for me. I just tuned him out - no need for me to use emotional energy because nothing was going to change. I would just say stock phrases, such as above, while getting on with whatever I was doing. He was so wrapped up in the not being able to drive that he didn't notice.  Incidentally, the tuning out works for a lot!

Sending vibes of ultra-patience your way!

abc123

I’m so sorry. Keep yourself safe.

H&P

My DH just lost his license in January of this year and it has been rough on him as he is a big car guy.   He has a really nice Mustang that he loved to drive.  He of course was very angry and blamed the doctor.  He wanted to just get rid of the car but I suggested that we keep it and that I would drive him in the Mustang.  He has been good with that most of the time as he still loves just a ride in the car and is still able to maintain it. (like washing it, tire pressure check and such).  He also has wanted our kids to use it when they go somewhere special.  For the most part this has helped him deal with the loss of driving it.  I keep the keys to both of our cars.

He does have his moments of anger about not being able to drive but the fact that it has not been taken from him completely seems to have helped him for now.  The one thing that I have learned from dealing with my husband and his disease is that I know him better than he knows himself at this stage of the game.  So I try to be careful not to get caught up with what he is saying but to try to know what will appease him at the moment.

I hope this might help you.   I am just in the beginning stages of learning how to cope with this disease.

Lcpsurry

My husband drove truck all his life, so really misses driving now. But we have kept his CRV, which he calls his truck. He looks out the window at it again and again all day, all night, long. 

So glad we didn’t get rid of it, even though we are now supporting 2 cars for one driver.

Sometimes we will take his car, even though I like mine better. But now we have someone come in to be a companion to my husband one morning a week. When they go out they take his car so he gets to ride in his “truck”.  Plus the advantage is that I still have my car to use so I can go out too.