Levels of clarity

MelHelp

I am new to forum and new to the realm of dementia. My dad was recently diagnosed with LBD which has moved at a rapid pace since the beginning of the year. My brother and I have notice lately that when my brother visits or talk with dad, he seems to be much more lucid and more himself. But when I visit or talk to him, he is mostly confused, i.e., incoherent ramblings, not knowing where he is, mixing up who is talking to, etc.

I know individuals with LBD experience fluctuations in lucidity and clarity. But it seems as though my brother has the ability to bring him back to reality. I wondering if anyone has seen or experienced anything such as this?

BassetHoundAnn

I think this is what some on the forum have dubbed "show-timing." Your loved one musters up greater lucidity and coherence when conversing with doctors, family friends, neighbors, even other family members than when interacting with their primary care-giver/loved one. In fact they cognitively go to pieces when they are with their primary care-giver/loved one. They let it all hang out. 

This is certainly the case with my mom. When DH is around she's witty, conversational, is full of charming reminiscences, and can do math in her head. When she's with just me--and I dread going to see her without DH--she's angry, confused, collapses in teary tantrums, doesn't know the time of day or season, insists Roosevelt is the president, insists her sister who died decades ago comes every week to do her laundry and her other sister who is also long-deceased snatched her driver's license.

The difference you're seeing in your dad's behavior is probably because he sees you as his primary person, the loved one with whom he feels free to let it all hang out, the loved one with whom he feels no need to put on a show.  

  

harshedbuzz

Melhelp-

If you have personally witnessed the difference, I would also put it down to "showtiming" as well. This is especially true if you are a woman and/or caregiver or if your brother has less contact with dad. 

My father could showtime among people he deemed important like it was his job. His performances were brilliant- most striking was the bonhomie displayed for his geripsych while making jokes in Yiddish for his Israeli American doctor. (Dad was an Irish Catholic BTW) I had to email the doctor videos of dad raging at home in order to "prove" what we were reporting in terms of raging and aggression at home. 

If you have not actually witnessed this, it could be that your brother is in a bit of denial and/or doesn't recognize the symptoms of dad's cognitive shift.

My mom was like that with dad. Mom didn't want to accept what I considered an obvious case of dementia. Once when she was in the hospital, I returned to their home to find dad hosting neighbors for happy hour wearing only a bath towel. When I offered this up as proof dad needed to be evaluated, she countered with "it is actually a bath sheet and he's free to do as he likes in his own home". When I reported that dad had developed incontinence to his doctor (dad being in another room with a neuropsych), she corrected me and said "he'd only had a couple of little accidents".

Another thought could be related to the time of day your brother sees or phones your dad. I'm not sure how that relates to LBD, but dad was at his best in the late morning/early afternoons. His beloved brother would do a short visit after an early round of golf never witnessing the foul mood swings of the evenings or the complete disorientation of the overnights.

BassetHoundAnn

I second Harshedbuzz's observations. A friend conflicted with her siblings when they insisted that their dementia-addled dad couldn't have possibly said the crazy things she said he had  because he seemed so perfectly normal to them. Show-timing is very real. Parents with dementia do behave differently with different children.

MelHelp

Thanks everyone for the replies. It helps me understand what is going on. Its just so frustrating that my brother gets to have good visits where dad seems normal-ish with regular conversation. Whereas my visit he is mostly confused talking about things that did not occur or the phone calls where he thinks he is on the road with his motorcycle. Now I just have to find away to come to terms with this and to be okay with it.

harshedbuzz

MelHelp wrote:

 Now I just have to find away to come to terms with this and to be okay with it.

If it helps, IME, PWD are a bit like little kids in that they save their worst for those closest to them and with those they feel safest with.