Mom died last night. Dad has dementia. He keeps forgetting that she died.

MarthaWaianae

We just learned how bad Dad's dementia is.  In the last two years Dad hasn't been more than 100 feet away from Mom. Mom died last night of cancer. The mortuary has taken her body away. He notices she is missing. He asks where she is. He sometimes remembers she has cancer then demands to be taken to the hospital to see her. He is shocked each time when we tell him she has died. We tell him he wanders to another part of the house to grief then returns to us 10-15 minutes later. He wants to see Mom now. He thinks she is at the hospital. He demands to go to the hospital to be with her. It cycles again and again. We are torturing him and we don't know what to do. I research the Alzheimer's association just last week, so we are at a complete loss at what to do.

M1

welcome Martha and I am so sorry for your loss.  There are many threads on similar topics.  It probably isn't worth it to keep telling him; reliving it over and over is terrible for all of you.  You may must have to say something like "we'll go soon" or "we can't go now (because of covid, until the car is fixed, whatever excuse you want)."  And then try to distract/redirect--let's go have some ice cream, " "let's go watch TV."  So hard for all of you I"m sure.

TessC

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. How sad for you and your family. There is a possibility that your father will come to understand his wife is gone in the coming weeks, but for now he just has to be be told over and over, in the most patient and kind way possible that his dear wife has died. It must be so hard for you to have to tell him over and over, but for now that is what you may have to do. He is grieving too and this may be the way his brain is trying to come to grips with his loss. As the other poster said, to give yourself a break, you could tell him a fiblet and redirect. My mother came to believe she had never married a few years after my father died. The mind works in strange ways. Again, my condolences in this time of sadness.

Arrowhead

Stop telling him that she died. It only makes it worse for him. Telling him that she is in the hospital is a good idea. Keep using excuses for not taking him: 

It's not visiting hours.

We will go later.

Her doctors are with her now. 

Use whatever works. It’s sad to say, but eventually he will forget her.

physicsmom

Gotta agree with Arrowhead and others - there's no reason to keep reminding him of her passing.  When my grandmother died, and dad was at about the same stage as your father (and kept asking to visit her) we used the "have to fix the car first" or "she's sleeping, we'll go later" excuses.  Sadly, he eventually forgot that too.

So many hugs and kind thoughts to you.  Dad passed away 4/28 and I'm struggling with it myself - you are in a tough spot, and I wish you well.

HTP

I went through the same thing with my father when my mother passed away in December 2020.  The day after her funeral he kept asking for her.  It was like telling him 10 times for the first time that she passed away.  I must say that was one of my most difficult days I have ever experienced.  In the following days the questions continued but less frequently.  As time has passed, he has come to terms with her death but he has not forgotten her.  He may forget in time, but since he still lives at home, he is surrounded by reminders of her.  He still occasionally forgets that she has passed, but at this point I just bluntly tell him that she died.  He just responds now “yes, I forgot,” and moves on.  

Mostly this is just to let you know my experiences.  As far as what you should do, you will have to decide based on your specific situation and his mental capacity.  I know in my situation telling my father that my mother was in the hospital would have just delayed the inevitable because he would not have been content with “she’s in the hospital.”  Again, this is just my experience.  

May flowers

I don’t have much to add other than I am so sorry for your loss. I can imagine his questioning makes it that much harder.

My MIL died in 2017 with cancer and my FIL was in mild-moderate stage at that time and did understand what was happening. I can only imagine how it would be at the stage he is at now. His memories of her now come in flashes, something would stir a memory of a food she would cook or something funny she would do. He doesn’t remember (or talk about) her dying at all. He quit asking to visit her gravesite about a year ago.

Jo C.

Hello Martha and a very warm welcome to you.   I am sorry for the loss of your dear mother and for the challenge you are now experiencing with your father; that must be so very difficult.

Basically, you know your father best and your responses to his queries can be based upon him and where he is in his dementia and ability to utilize appropriate reasoning.  

Since he seems to not be processing information well and his memory is so compromised, my thoughts are that it is probably not a positive to continue to repeat over and over again that his beloved wife is dead - each time that happens, he must  grieve such stunning information all over again.

What is best for him will be what brings the most comfort.  In many different situtations many of us find that it is far kinder to utilize, "therapeutic fiblets," rather than blatant truth which can be so repetitively hurtful.

One could tell him that his wife is in the hospital, but because there is COVID, visitors are not permitted in the hospital.  Let him record a message for your mother on a small recorder, or he can say a message and you can write it down and tell him you are going to mail it to her.

Second way that some of us have had to use a fiblet is to say that the lost Loved One (LO) is gone to visit a relative, etc.  This may not work with your father if he retains the knowledge that your mother has been critically ill.

You get the idea; whatever works and whatever brings peace even though you may have to repeat over and over throughout the day for awhile.  Despite being in such a difficult situation, it would also be good to refocus him on other things and activities if you can. This can be done when answering his query about your mother or to ramp up his being busy at different times throughout the day.  Hard to do this in the midst of so much, but it may be that as he refocuses over time, he will ask less and less about your mother.

I would also like to share that the Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 Hour, 365 day a year Helpline that can. be reached at, (800) 272-3900.  If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant. There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics. They are very supportive, have much information and can often assist us wth our problem solving.

Follow your instincts and do whatever brings your father comfort.  Let us know how you are and how you are doing, we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.

J.

MarthaWaianae

The alzheimer's association is a godsend. I am deeply grateful to their 24 hour help-line. Dad's children had a meeting and hashed this out while the grandchildren distracted Dad playing in the yard. We discussed the helpline's advise. We decided that Dad was too alert right now for fibs not to bite back at us. Dad becomes enraged and will cut a person out of his life if he discovers that he has been lied to. Since she had hospice at home, the home reminds him that she was extremely ill. Dad has been invited to live with his children by all of his children, but he rejects that idea completely. We decided for now, his youngest son will remind him that Mom has died because he is really gentle and very good at reading Dad. He seems to be able to reinforce our love and care for Dad while reminding of Mom's death. It is hard on the little brother.....this is just a temporary solution. We decided when he has declined more into dementia we may change our minds about therapeutic fibbing. We can't successfully use a lie about the hospital or any delays about seeing her because Dad becomes very agitated and combative. He simply won't accept any delay in seeing Mom. We have learned that Dad drinks heavily. He is an alcoholic. Drinking complicates the dealing with the dementia. When sober, he will forget, but when you remind him he is not shocked....the reminder reminds him that he remembers that he witnessed her death. Drunk it is a complete shock to him......so we are kind of fibbing and that may cost us dearly if discovered. It turns out he drinks wine by the gallon. We dump out 2/3 of the wine in the bottle and fill it with water. He does not appear to notice. We don't want to stop him cold turkey because he is too physically dependent on it. We don't want to trigger a health crisis. We are shocked that we were not aware of how much Dad drinks.

We allow him his coffee mug of watered wine in the morning then invent reasons for him to be away from home till (away from reaching alcohol) early evening. This appears to lesson his trauma. He seems to be remembering he was there expressing his love and comforting her when she died, when he is reminded while sober. It feels like he is remembering better ......that the questions of where is Mom is asked less often and less forcefully.