Not sure this is significant

Sofiarae

My sister has EOAD and in long term care facility. My niece, her daughter is getting married soon.  I'm struggling with whether I can go to her wedding  because my brother-in-law is going to my niece's wedding with his girlfriend, while my sister is still alive. Am I making too much of this? Thank you for any advice.

CStrope

Being a caretaker myself, I can understand a bit where he is coming from.  The woman he married is no longer who she once was.  It is difficult to have the same feelings for someone when they have gone through so many changes.  I understand your frustration, but he may have already had to deal with the loss of his wife.  Do you feel you could discuss how you're feeling with him?  Maybe he could help you understand why he has found it necessary to move on.

Sofiarae

thank you so much

Arrowhead

When the time comes, I will not do what he is doing, but that is my nature. I do understand him. He still needs female company. This ordeal has been, and still is hard on him and he is doing what he feels he needs to, to cope. At this point, he can no longer do anything for her. He has to do what he can for himself. Try to not judge him too harshly.

jtbaa

Your family - brother-in-law and niece - need your support at the wedding.  It's possible to imagine your sister would want you there to support her daughter.  

Ed1937

You didn't mention if your sister is expected to pass soon. I'm guessing she is not because her daughter is getting married, and her husband (presumably) is going to the wedding. If that is right, I think you should go to the wedding to show support for the newly married couple. 

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need to be here. We have a lot of really good people here to support you. 

Crushed

I was married almost 46 years ago to a woman I loved and adored.  That wonderful woman no longer exists as the person I married but she left a human shell behind who  is my total responsibility.  I live with this every day 

May I gently suggest that unless and until you have walked a mile in someones moccasins......

 

  

LadyTexan

Welcome to the forum Sofiarae.

By having a girlfriend, I suspect that your brother in law is doing what he needs to do to cope with the dementia nightmare. I cannot judge what someone else does to survive this devastating disease. As a woman of faith, I know it is not my place to judge others.

Personally, I would attend the wedding. I would support the newly weds. I would embrace the celebration and the gathering of family and friends. 

Terminal illness, such as EOAD is devastating to the person who is ill and their loved ones. It is important (to me) to recognize and celebrate the moments of joy. I appreciate those moments now, more than before.

Family dynamics are delicate. I can only speculate, if I were in your position, that my sister would want me to be present for her daughter on this very special day.

harshedbuzz

Sofia-

If you enjoy a warm relationship with your niece, you should put your own feelings aside and attend in support of her union and represent her mom's side of the family. You can slip out discretely during the reception if you it become too difficult to remain.

I would try not to judge your BIL unless you have lived the ambiguous loss of a spouse to dementia.

HB

Cynbar

If I were you, I would go to the wedding. This is about your niece, not your brother-in-law, and your absence could adversely affect your relationship with her going forward. Plus, this type of relationship does happen, although I'm surprised he's bringing the girlfriend to his daughter's wedding. I remember the posts here from the man who moved his girlfriend into his home and they both took care of his wife with dementia. I don't think your presence would in any way be an endorsement of his choices.

caberr

I agree you should go to the wedding.  It is your niece's day and I'm sure she would want you there.  

As for your BIL, I agree with Cynbar I don't think your presence would in any way be an endorsement of his choices.

Beachfan

Go to the wedding in support of your niece.  It’s her day; make it all about her.  The rest will fall into place.  I’m sure your niece will appreciate your presence. Try not to be judgmental (easy for me to say!), be gracious, enjoy the day and hope for the best outcome for all.  Best wishes.

Rescue mom

Go for your niece and yourself. I bet you’d enjoy seeing other family members. Easy enough to ignore BIL if you want. As Cynbar said, your presence has nothing to do with his choices.  I assume the bride has ok’d it.

I’ve known several people whose spouses had late-stage dementia and were in facilities. So the caregivers had special friends/companions.  Interestingly, as this is a very conservative community and some of our groups are church-based, I never heard any criticism or questions of their “new friends.” All I heard was others glad the caregiver found some life outside dementia. I would not do it, but caregivers face the loss of their partner. There may be a body left, but the person is gone. Everybody has to cope with that as best they can.

Joe C.

Sofiarae, As other have suggested I would go to the wedding to support your niece. I would also suggest googling and reading some articles on dementia well spouse loneliness, these articles have appear in almost periodical from People Magazine to the Wall Street Journal. Perhaps if your better understood your BIL’s struggle it would make it easier for you to share space with him.

1962ART

Dear Sofiarae:  I am so sorry about your sister's EOAD. I have no quarrel with any one who has posted.  Remember only you know if you are feeling comfortable enough in this delicate situation to proceed with attending the wedding.  Do you have a supportive friend/partner who will be attending with you?  Do you have other family members related to you and your sister who will be attending the wedding?  That is, are you the only one who is being affected?   Will your decision be one that might positively/negatively affect others in your immediate family?  

Are you close enough to your niece that you can have a quiet time with her to discuss how much you care for her and her dad?  Perhaps you may learn more about how your niece is handling this development.  This may provide more input into the dynamics of the situation.

Finally, can you attend with a happy heart for this celebration or will this be a time of memories and tears for the loss of your sister to EOAD?  Consider carefully.  Discuss this with family and friends.  Ultimately, it is what you are comfortable doing.

Take care and know everyone on this thread is cheering for you.